Friends are becoming grandparents & it's disconcerting, how did you feel?

[MyMarmite]

I'm in my mid fifties with adult children and some of my contemporaries and friends are starting to have grandchildren. I realise this is normal but it's making me a bit sad.

We've had no children at home for the past few years and it's been great to emerge from years of parenting to have more time for friendships and our own lives again, although we both still work, part time.

I don't think our 3 adult children are likely to have kids any time soon and I'm really grateful for that, I'm not ready (although I realise it's not up to me at all) but there's a part of me thinking oh no, are we all destined to just get through the really hard bits of having small children and young adults (arguably much, much harder than small children) only to lose ourselves all over again to grandchildren?

It feels like a waste of female potential or something. I'm not sure I'm articulating this very well but it feels sad that some friends are about to become grandparents in cases where they've just said goodbye to parents as well, having cared for them in later years. What about them? What about their time? Or is it fine to just never get this?

Does anyone else feel the same? I realise it's not about me when my friends have grandchildren and I'm happy for them if they're happy but I also still feel slightly odd about it.

I think what you lose isn’t time but freedom from expectations from your children. You can be judged really harshly on how much or little attention you give, compared to the other set of GPs, you have to be careful to show interest but not be overbearing, make sure you don’t text too little or too much, etc. etc.

I’m hoping for half a decade at least to just think about myself and DP.

Someone I know became a GREAT grandmother at 58: think yourself lucky 😂

The few friends who have become grandparents are thrilled with the role. Only one does regular childcare. They don’t see it as a burden at all.

I'm 36 and bumped into a friend of a friend, who is the same age and just became a grandmother too!! I have a baby and a toddler.

I guess we all go through life at a different pace.

My childrens GPs adore them, love spending time with them. But do not do any substantial form of childcare. Last time was 1 hour with the toddler so I could take the baby to the doctor. I was very grateful for their help. We tend to see them a few times a week though.

Not all grandparents need to be 'beck and call' baby sitters and have the GC take over their lives. My own mum is 58 and still works FT.

I couldn't be less interested, if I'm honest. I don't have GC and am not bothered, I am even less interested in other people's GC than I was in other people's small children.

I'm very bored if people attempt to show me pictures of cute baby GC. I make brief polite noises if it's done to my face. I ignore entirely if they are posted on Whatsapp.

I get where you're coming from. I'm single with no kids (circumstance), and I had to really work at a few relationships with long-term school friends when they became parents. I do remember not spending any time alone with my best friend (e.g. shopping or a day out) for 19 years because she always had a child with her. I told myself that they'd be back in circulation when the kids grew older, and that is how it eventually worked out.

But, two are now grandparents (one is a couple of years older than me and the other the same age) and I'm definitely second-choice Sally again. The older friend especially is drifting away - I was blown out of long term plans to do something only last Saturday because her daughter wanted to go round with the babies (who she sees at least twice a week anyway) and that's a fairly frequent occurrence. The other won't commit to anything until she's checked what the grandchild and daughter is up to, so I'm fairly low down on her list of priorities.

I'm just really glad that I also had the foresight to build friendships with women of all ages who didn't have children. I love all my friends, but I really class that last group as clear, dependable friends, which I can't do with the long-term friends.

My Mum is your age and a grandparent to my 3 year old. No I don’t think the hour she pops over to my house to see him once a fortnight is “a waste of her female potential” or warrants wallowing about when she’ll get “her time”. She planning to move to Italy next year. I think she’s fine. No one in my friend group relies on grandparents for any sort of childcare, which is increasingly normal.

I also take huge issue with you thinking young adults are more difficult to parent than small children. I think you have major recency bias. Your adult children don’t stop you from doing one single thing with your life. They are adults, responsible for themselves.

I’m a grandparent of one in my mid fifties and I’m thrilled, maybe more so because I wasn’t expecting it even though my daughter is 28 and settled with a brilliant career ahead of her. I really don’t like the phrase “ waste of female potential “ this indicates caring and nurturing is of low value. I work full time in a senior role but have offered to drop to 4 days to offer one day childcare after maternity leave but I consider helping to support a new family a joy and a privilege. I wouldn’t prefer me time to taking my grandson out and seeing the world brand new through his eyes again. I have younger adult dc’s at home, and baby has brought so much fun and chaos back into our lives . I much prefer mealtimes everyone passing baby round then adult conversations! We’re all different but the continuation of family and the joy of family becoming uncles aunts etc is something I’m very grateful for.

why on earth would you lose yourselves to grandchildren? All involvement is optional

I’m not quite 50 yet but have friends lates 50s-60 who are becoming grandparents.

I think the key is to know what you want, communicate it and have appropriate boundaries. There’s absolutely no obligation on grandparents to take on significant caring responsibilities for grandchildren (surely if they are mid 50s they will mostly still be working?) You make it sound as if all grandmothers “lose themselves” to grandchildren and I don’t really understand it.

Of course some grandmothers are very keen to be involved and that’s great- I suspect that is how I will be- but in that case I think it’s inappropriate to think of it as “a waste of female potential”.

I really don’t like the phrase “ waste of female potential “ this indicates caring and nurturing is of low value

Absolutely.

Being a grandparent is amazing. I feel very privileged to have grandchildren . I don’t see it as a burden .

@LucyMonth you're welcome to disagree with me, obviously, but I do think young adults are more difficult to parent than small children. It's not just recency bias, it's experience.

Because although I agree - my adult children don't stop me doing anything, some of the things that adult children of friends have dealt with include: being hospitalised with drug overdoses, recovering from sexual assault, suicidal ideation and suicide attempts, death from a drug overdose, serious mental health issues, psychosis, joblessness, Ket and other drug habits.

Small children's issues are just smaller. These are all adult children of very lovely, involved, decent parents. Do you have adult children? Genuine question.

I'm not suggesting your mum doesn't love seeing her grandchild, of course not. I'm sure she does. And I'm not suggesting at all women who love being grandparents are wasting their potential, absolutely not.

My ex MIL became a GP at 56, she never did a tap with the grandchildren, saw them in company for an hour, 3 or 4 times a year.

They speak kindly of her, but don't bring her up in conversation often. She is a v self absorbed woman, has limited headspace for her children, never mind grandchildren. They never called her gran etc, just by her name.

Thanks, that's interesting. I have quite a few childless friends, some of whom I've known more than 30 years and I made an effort to not disappear when I had children. I'm sorry some of your friends are being unreliable, that's not nice.

I am mid 40s and some of my friends are already grandparents. I don't really feel sad about being a grandparent. My kids are still small so I am a long way off. But I also come from a long line of non traditional grandparents. My grandparents worked until they couldnt, didnt look after me or my siblings at all really and just took us to do a few nice things, and my parents are the same with my kids. I don't see why a grandparent should have to raise their grandchildren unless they want to. My parents are working and fully active with social lives, sports and holidays and well into their 70s. They definitely do not fit the grandparent mould.

My mum is 65 with 3 grandchildren (eldest a teen) and she still works full time in a job she loves and is choosing to do, so I don’t think she has given herself up in any way upon becoming a grandparents. Equally my spends half the year travelling the world (they’re divorced) so again, hasn’t given anything of himself up.

Yes, me too. I hope I'm not judged too harshly but who knows what kind of people they'll have kids with?!

I am not quite 50 and can’t wait to be a granny. My adult children are probably my a long way off having kids and may not have them at all. If they do though, I’ll be very happy.

@Autonomouse yes, it is about balance.

People I was at school with became grandparents in their 30s, so it happening now I’m late 40s barely registers.

Ah, well I'd prefer adult conversations and found the baby stage hard work. Each to their own.

I do think it's a waste of female potential if a woman spends years bringing up kids, then looks after her own parents and segues straight into caring for grandchildren with no time for herself in all of that. But that's for me, I understand other people are different and feel differently and that's fine.

Poster said they are in their mid 50s, hardly very young in terms of becoming a grandparent.

@MyMarmite your dc might only visit occasionally and you won't end up being to affected by your DGC.

DH and I are childfree by choice. Seeing the impact that having grandparents has had on my friends' lives, time and freedom we are even more glad that we didn't have children.

I can see it brings some people untold joy but it is not for me.

Being a grandparent doesn't have to equate to providing childcare. It s pleasant for family members to be enthusiastic about new life.

Some just aren't I guess. I don't think it has anything to do with female or male GP potential. You ld never hear a man considering grandchildren are a drain. Why can't a grandmother reach her potential? Why do any new members stifle her? That aspect is a choice.