Friends are becoming grandparents & it's disconcerting, how did you feel?

[MyMarmite]

I'm in my mid fifties with adult children and some of my contemporaries and friends are starting to have grandchildren. I realise this is normal but it's making me a bit sad.

We've had no children at home for the past few years and it's been great to emerge from years of parenting to have more time for friendships and our own lives again, although we both still work, part time.

I don't think our 3 adult children are likely to have kids any time soon and I'm really grateful for that, I'm not ready (although I realise it's not up to me at all) but there's a part of me thinking oh no, are we all destined to just get through the really hard bits of having small children and young adults (arguably much, much harder than small children) only to lose ourselves all over again to grandchildren?

It feels like a waste of female potential or something. I'm not sure I'm articulating this very well but it feels sad that some friends are about to become grandparents in cases where they've just said goodbye to parents as well, having cared for them in later years. What about them? What about their time? Or is it fine to just never get this?

Does anyone else feel the same? I realise it's not about me when my friends have grandchildren and I'm happy for them if they're happy but I also still feel slightly odd about it.

I have GC from babies to early 20s. The downside of having children/GC late hit me when the new one arrived. Twenty years ago I never thought I might not see my GC as an adult. This year I looked at my beautiful new GC and realised that if I live to the current lifespan for a woman I will never know them as the adult they will become. It made me feel sad so I've got to hope I make it into my 90s with all my faculties.

That’s blown my mind!! I don’t know anyone under 60 who is a grandparent! Suddenly all the benefits of having children later in life become clear!!
And what are the benefits? 🤔
You dont live long enough to see your future family deveop and won't be part of it. Your grandkids won't know who their grandparents were?

Exactly this!!

I’m completely baffled by this. What benefits are you talking about?

Being a grandparent just means you are the parent of someone who has had a child. It doesn’t mean you’re obliged to provide free childcare or
transform overnight into a little old lady.

I get where you're coming from in a couple of ways. I'm 47, both my kids have SEN and one is attending a mainstream school quite far away, so I have to do a long school run and can only work 4hrs a day. But I also have to take 2-3 days off a week to care for my elder son who has alternative provision and tutoring at home. I worked out I'll be at least 53 before I can work full-time, which I'm desperate to do (it's our own business), and worry that will be curtailed if caring responsibilities might come up with our parents. I thought I'd have kids and they would go to school, and I would get on with life, so I understand you not wanting your new freedom to change. I think thinking of becoming a grandparent can put your age into perspective - my in-laws didn't want to become grandparents as it made them feel old (they were in their 60s at that time). But I also think grandparents shouldn't be thought of as having to give their time to the grandkids - my parents help out once a week, but I don't want to press them for more time unless they want to offer it.

I wonder if you found motherhood really hard or resented it OP? Did you get left on your own to do it all? Is that why you see becoming a grandparent as waste of female potential? More women’s work?

perhaps your feelings are due to the messages you received growing up or the dynamics of your marriage?

I’ll be blunt.
not once did it cross my mind whether my parents would like it or not if I got pregnant to my partner.

Same. They lived their lives in the way they wanted, and so did I. What my parents would think wasn’t a consideration at all when deciding to start a family.

Yes and I doubt the OP asked her parents for their approval before she conceived her children. As a grandmother I wouldn't expect my children to consider my opinion when planning to have children. Seems a lot of anxiety about nothing.

Im 50 and have a grandaughter live with myself half of the week as dad is at home while saving for his own place.
I feel lucky and blessed that she is here and im young enough to be a fun and active grandparent .
One of my friends is 12 yrs older than me and has a grandson of a month old she is constantly tired while still working helping with baby.
I have a mum who doesnt care anything for her grandchildren ( my sons) or her great grandaughter we dont see her i have no connection with her whatsoever.
Love our family growing it doesnt stop me doing anything .

Exactly

I don’t live near my Dgc and I still work.

I would like to be nearer but don’t want to do childcare tbh

Im not a mother so i am often curious about partner's mum and how she feels about never becoming a granny. (Her other son has no kids either). Shes 81. Most of her pals have grandkids. Oh well, it is what it is.