Gone from ‘Well Off’ to ‘Completely Skint’? Please tell me about it!

[BenignKipper]

I have had it verrrrrry easy and I knew it. Good professional monthly salary, able to throw stuff in my trolley at M&S Simply Food and not worry about what it would come to, nice wardrobe from Toast and Zadig etc. Are you running a marathon for a good cause? Great, of course I will sponsor you £30 etc etc.

But my circumstances have seriously changed. Salary the same but divorce means I am looking at £10-15 a day disposable income after bills and travel. I’ve pared everything back in my budget and I can survive (obviously).

But I know it will be a shock to my system, emotionally/socially - it seems scary. Has anyone done this? Do you have any tips to navigate it?

Aw, diddums, my heart bleeds.

@january1244 that looks very helpful.

Woah did you mean to be so rude (in typical MN answer)

You will be fine, you just need to be savvy. Always look for a discount before eating out, plan meals around similar ingredients so there’s very little waste, vinted is great for clothes especially if you know what size you are in a particular brand but there’s also fab sales for decent brands such as warehouse and never buy anything full price.

You just end up bargain hunting for everything! Not sure if you’ll now qualify for UC but I did after separation and there are some great UC offers for things like royal palaces if you live in/near to London. Plan your days out around when is cheap to go and you won’t feel you’re missing out too much. If you work for a company with an employee discount scheme take full advantage, I do this at work and buy Tesco gift cards with 4% discount (eg £100 costs me £96). I look to see if the shop I need to use is on there every time I need to buy something.

You will be great and you need to remember that at some point you’ll likely meet a new partner (unless you’ve been put off for all eternity) and life and expenses will likely be shared again. If not, downsize ASAP.

Completely agree and even things like travelling to weddings or milestone birthdays can be so much more expensive as a single unless you happen to know another single going and you’re both prepared to share.

I don’t have to live frugally, and I don’t when it comes to doing what I want to do like travelling or shopping at M&S etc, but the older I get sometimes I just decline expensive social events because it’s a lot on me as a single and not everyone is considerate of what it costs me.

I had a friend be a bit moody when I couldn’t attend her destination wedding in Asia. But she’s someone who has lived with her now husband since uni so she’s always had someone to split bills and travel costs with and I don’t think she gets it. My disposable Income was so limited back then in my late 20s.

I also get annoyed with people who have chosen to have a bunch of kids think I’m ms money bags because I don’t have any but that’s another story lol

Hrft but went from ok to not ok to ok and back to not, both times due to DHs illness, first one died, second one us hanging in there for now. Neither had good income insurance sadly..

Reduce waste, everything you throw unused is a loss to your budget. So take a long hard look at what you throw and try to cut it by at least half. For me that means freezing cheap bread so I've got something for toast in short weeks. Only buying enough salad for one meal, or eating it 2 days consecutively to use it up.

I read somewhere to shop 3 weeks and live on leftovers for last week in a month, I like the idea but couldn't quite make it work yet.

Know how much you spend, on anything.
Cut subscriptions and contracts eg phone and internet to a minimum.

Look at keeping your transport bill down by walking more or incorporating travel to shops in the commute.

If you've got saleable stuff, ebay or vinted can be your friend.
Free stuff can be great but don't spend alot by travelling miles to get something worth £5.

Do any offers or coupons but only if you would buy the item anyway.
Use up unwanted toiletries as hand-wash, air freshener, toilet cleaner, whatever they work for.
Grow things if you can, but don't spend a fortune on seeds at first, find a local plant group to get cheap starter plants and advice.

Wear outer clothes an extra time, to save on wash powder and costs, I wear my top inside out at home to avoid stains showing then turn it round when I get to work/drop offs. But I'm messy, so you might find better ways to keep cleaner longer.

If you can work extra hours now and again do it,, but not all the time as you'll get sick/tired.
Skint Dad is a great resource.

Of course you manage 10 kids on 2 carrots a week and still afford the family holiday.

Oh how I envy you, not.

You might want to edit that first sentence! 😂

That's excellent, well done!

I went from having £35k coming in to less than £15k when I became a single parent, at one stage after paying everything I had £50 to feed & clothe me & ds for a month. My top tips are shop smarter, go somewhere like Farmfoods & buy as much as you can there, they sell branded products much cheaper than other supermarkets & often have bulk offers. Only buy things like fresh meat, fruit & veg from big supermarkets. Your freezer is your best friend, keep it well stocked, buy things like pizzas from your cheap freezer shop, Farmfoods are £1.50, ideal for movie nights & snacks, make sure you split any meat you buy into meal size portions so you don't have to defrost a whole tray. Add in things like frozen veg, puddings etc. Have a batch cook day once a month, start by making a say basic beef ragu with trays of mince in a slow cooker if you have one, portion some for bolognaise, make a lasagne then add spices & kidney beans to turn the rest into chilled con carne, you could get at least 10-12 meals out of 1kg of mince to put in the freezer. If you are cooking, always try to cook for more than 1 day & freeze portions, it doesn't take long to peel some extra veg to bulk out meals. Start a good pantry store, have basics like pasta, rice, herbs, spices, tinned tomatoes, flour etc so you can always do something with what you have in the freezer to make a meal without going shopping. One week a month, live out of the freezer, eat up an fresh stuff that is coming to the end of it's life, I always did this the week before going shopping to clear the fridge so I could give it a wipe out before refilling with new food.

@Nat6999 really good post - i think one issue ( and Jamie Oliver highlighted this many years ago) is that plenty ( not all) on low incomes simply don’t cook , and not always because they don’t have access to facilities. It’s easy when things are shit to be somewhat depressed and lose the will to cook properly too so I’m not judging - there were no Aldis or lidls at that time and the cheap supermarkets then to be honest sold a lot of crap and dubious quality . I had a period in my life where it was very tough financially and at that point I think my cooking skills massively improved simply because I couldn’t financially reach for takeaways or M&S ready meals etc or meals out if I didn’t feel like cooking . My go to then was making pancakes either with orange squeezed or a bit of melted cheese and ham added , omelettes and frittatas and pan Haggerty which is basically, potatoes, carrots, onion and a pack of streaky bacon plus chicken stick and a bit of grated cheese. I honestly don’t think food is the big budget taker if you are in the right mindset and have access to facilities and ideally a freezer - as it’s somewhat within your control - I think housing, utilities and transport and prior debt are far more of an issue as outside your control - I also think it can sometimes be easier if not with a partner who wants champagne style meals and constant booze , on a lemonade budget and there are plenty of those about too . I found it much easier to budget food wise in that short crappy period I had when I was on my own with 2 small kids

That’s been my life since I started working. In debt and nothing to show for it.. live day to day. Proper shit but that’s my life unfortunately. Got a trade which I trained 5 years for, but made bad choices just to get by. I’ll never get out of it I don’t think. Best advice I can give you is don’t buy anything you can’t afford using credit. Made this mistake and now all my money goes on bills debt and food. Depressing

I have lived through some financially very challenging times. Day to day it’s manageable-I ate a lot of pasta! The issues come when the crap car broke down, or it was a birthday or christmas, or my shoes fell apart. I can only stress the importance of putting £50 a month in the ‘oh shit’ category of savings so when the washing machine dies, you at least have some choice. I once had to wash my clothes in a bath using my feet to try and get them clean for a year. Fun, it was not. I would also recommend building up stocks of whatever meat is in the reduced section and lobbing it in the freezer.

These days, life is a bit easier, but I still stockpile toiletries, tins, meats and cleaning stuff. I can survive for about a month on the stockpile, so if I have an ‘oh shit’ moment, I can eat, wash, clean and importantly, survive.

Divorce stripped me of all of my assets, but I have built myself back up over the past 6 or so years. My new car went, my wardrobe looked sadder and less fashionable than ever before, leisure was a walk around a park, and I ate low priced food. Importantly, I got out of a horrible relationship and found myself again.

@NoEffingWay yep same was true here , and I found on my own it was a more bearable in many ways because there wasn’t someone insisting they wanted this/that - or that it was only an £80 day to go to the football etc

I think it’s inconsiderate of couples to marry abroad - unless family connection there - and expect their guests to dtump the travel and accommodations costs, on top
of annual leave taken, buying gifts etc

@ForNoisyCat I quite agree- I actually got married in Gibraltar because my in laws were out there working at the time ( well he was )- but they paid for 5 of us to fly out and stay - all in all the whole shebang was about 5k back in mid 90s - the expectation that people will pay thousands or close on is ludicrous

Selfishly, I’m so glad other people have to do this lol!

I managed to get a mortgage on a small house on my own at the beginning of the year after my divorce and I’ve gone from yeah, not thinking about how much stuff costs and tossing it in a trolley, tapping at the till at the end and not even really registering how much it is, to walking round Lidl with a list and a calculator. XHB earns over £100k and doesn’t pay child support as we have 50/50 custody and he said “if she needs anything I’ll get it for her”.

I batch cook and haven’t bought any new clothes in yonks, feel awful that for DD’s birthday I took her out and we went to the cinema and McDonald’s and I took sweets in my bag and her dad took her and three friends to a theme park. A meal out and shopping spree/going to see a film is just a normal Tuesday when she’s with her dad.

I budget so much a week and try and do it so I have £x for the week and it covers I need new batteries for something or treating myself to a coffee if I have a day in the office and things like that and then £x for the weekend so I can have a takeaway or a bottle of wine or something as a treat. I bought an annual pass for somewhere nearby for me and DD so can go places like that all the time and it only costs me lunch or if I’ve got something else on that weekend we can take a picnic/car picnic.

I’ve also tried to scale my budget right back and I save a little bit each month towards Christmas/birthdays/car etc, so I don’t suddenly have to try and find the cash for stuff because I simply wouldn’t have it.

I also think people do understand, you just have to swallow your pride a little when there’s certain things, I don’t blatantly say I can’t afford it I’m skint, but I’ll make an excuse or leave somewhere early and I think people know it’s because if I leave now I can get the bus rather than an uber later or I don’t want to spend anymore money getting another drink just so I’m not sat nursing an inch of cider for the next 2 hours. I’m only guessing people get it too based on things like when I ask what friends kids want for birthdays the suggestions are a lot cheaper than they used to be.

Sometimes I feel a bit miffed, because I’ll see something I like and the old me would have just treated herself, and I don’t now, I can’t. And when DD comes home with info about a trip or residential I know it’ll be a fun mix of figuring out what I can do without that month and then going cap in hand to her dad for the rest. But I go to sleep in my own bed and no one’s ever mad at me or mean to me, so it’s worth it.

Has your boy got a part time job? Time to get one it’s a big confidence boost. Babysitting too is a good idea for him

Edited because I’m a twat and replied to the wrong post.
ignore me

You need to put a claim into the CMS and get them to evaluate the situation. Chances are he will still have to pay something.

That’s what I think too.

This is AI so maybe not to be trusted but it certainly seems this should be looked into:
You pay child maintenance despite 50/50 custody in the UK because "50/50 custody" often refers to equal overnight stays, but not necessarily equal day-to-day care. The Child Maintenance Service (CMS) uses a "Shared Care Band" for 50-50 arrangements, which reduces, but does not eliminate, child maintenance payments. To avoid payment entirely, you must demonstrate truly equal day-to-day care, not just equal overnight care.

Why the CMS Still Requires Payments
Focus on Day-to-Day Care:
The CMS looks beyond just overnight stays to see who is responsible for the day-to-day care of the child, such as getting them ready for school, taking them to appointments, and managing their daily needs.

Shared Care Band:
Even with 50/50 overnights, if one parent has more day-to-day responsibility, the child maintenance calculation moves into the "Shared Care Band". This band results in a significantly reduced payment, typically 50% less, but not a zero payment.

When Child Maintenance May Not Be Due
Truly Equal Day-to-Day Care:
If you can prove that both parents share equal day-to-day responsibility, the CMS may rule that no child maintenance is required. This means both parents are equally involved in all aspects of the child's daily life.

Formal Agreement:
A court-approved Child Arrangements Orderclearly stating equal day-to-day care can provide strong evidence to the CMS.

What You Need to Do
1. Understand the Distinction:
Recognize that "50/50 custody" doesn't automatically mean no maintenance. The key is equal day-to-day care.

2. Gather Evidence:
Keep detailed records of who is responsible for daily activities, appointments, and care to demonstrate your equal involvement.

3. Formalize the Arrangement:
Consider applying for a Child Arrangements Order that officially states both parents have equal day-to-day care to avoid future disputes.

4. Contact the CMS:
Discuss your situation with the Child Maintenance Service, providing evidence to show the true extent of your day-to-day involvement with your child.

This is from a solicitor also bringing g in the question of a significant difference in earnings:
wildings-solicitors.co.uk/latest-news/family-law/50-50-custody-and-child-support-a-guide/

Honestly why I haven’t? It’ll make him really mad and if they say I’m not entitled to it he’ll just be even less helpful than before.

I’ve already had to contact the safeguarding team at my bank to get removed from the joint account (we needed to both request for it to be changed to a sole account/closed and he wouldn’t) and I currently have none of my pets registered against me at my vets because he kept the dog and updated his details and when I asked the vets if I could remove the cats from his record (so I could make an appointment) was told they need both of our permission. Not going to hijack this thread with my moaning but yeah, it’s been tedious.

If you’re not entitled to anything, they won’t even mention it to him so you’ve actually got nothing to lose as for it or make him more angry. You’re not married to him anymore. Why do you care?

Didn’t realise he wouldn’t know if they decided I wasn’t entitled to it, thank you.

And probably because he abused me for 17 years lol, I’m trying to not care, but he still finds every way possible to make my life difficult and be horrid, so old habits I guess.