Gone from ‘Well Off’ to ‘Completely Skint’? Please tell me about it!

[BenignKipper]

I have had it verrrrrry easy and I knew it. Good professional monthly salary, able to throw stuff in my trolley at M&S Simply Food and not worry about what it would come to, nice wardrobe from Toast and Zadig etc. Are you running a marathon for a good cause? Great, of course I will sponsor you £30 etc etc.

But my circumstances have seriously changed. Salary the same but divorce means I am looking at £10-15 a day disposable income after bills and travel. I’ve pared everything back in my budget and I can survive (obviously).

But I know it will be a shock to my system, emotionally/socially - it seems scary. Has anyone done this? Do you have any tips to navigate it?

But if you've lived the kind of lifestyle op describes in her first post then by the time your child is 16 most people would at the very least have their mortgage paid off and a decent amount of investments. That's what's a bit confusing to me.

Echo @FatherFrosty

I often shop in a different part of town, where the supermarkets are next to a council estate. ASDA/Aldi there are amazing. Plus dentist near one of my family members is about a tenth of the price they charge in my area.

I clearly meant per day as per OP..

This happened to me post pandemic. It is hard but you learn to adjust. If you have good quality clothes etc look after them, buying new clothes only when absolutely necessary. I went out yesterday in an outfit that’s been in my wardrobe for 10 years and I got complimented on it .
Use the too good to go app, replace the gym with cycling or walking.
you do adjust , save monthly even a small amount so that Christmas and birthdays can be covered.
I currently live on circa £400 per month ( used to be circa £2000) to cover everything apart from my mortgage. It’s tough but it is do-able.

Start budgeting every pay day, write down and allocate every penny.
Include savings account/ emergency fund in this budget.
Go through all your monthly expenses and see if you can reduce eg switching suppliers and getting better deals.
Sell anything you dont use or no longer need.

See if there are ways you can increase your house hold income.

You will be ok its just you need to readjust and be focused on where your money is going.

Batch cooking and cooking homemade cakes/bread while the oven is on.

When I separated from my husband I had custody of our 2 DC. I bought him out of the house and endowments so the mortgage increased by a lot! I had no equity and no savings. I went from part time to full time work and received very little maintenance. So when you drop from 2 to 1 income and increase your bills you very quickly go from reasonably off to skint!

No regrets though and 20 years later I’m comfortably retired through hard work, resilience and careful money management- all of which I think OP possesses

Oh OP, if it needs to cover food for 2 and any emergencies and you are in a rented flat then this is a difficult situation.

I agree with posters about your son getting a part time job if he can.

I think you need to get some financial advice and keep looking at your budget.

if it helps, I followed the Dave Ramsey baby steps and that has really helped with my financial security. I think your biggest priorities are budgeting, avoiding debt and saving an emergency fund.

good luck with it all OP.

I think your positive attitude is great.

Suspect after a while you'll take a pride in how well you survive.

I haven't read all the thread and havent seen if you have your own transport - if you do car boot sales are an astonishing resource. DD kitted herself out for uni - kitchen stuff, bed linen, going out clothes - almost entirely from car boots. I also pick up spares of things that tend to get broken, usually for about 50p .

Is everyone else naive, or am I horribly cynical? Surely the OP is a journalist and we're all writing her article for her....

But op is renting so she didn't buy out the equity - that I could understand

It seems like actually the best advice op could get is to find a lawyer and claim her share of the marital assets - which must be considerable based on her description of their lifestyle

You post title probably applies to many women post-divorce.

I agree about shopping in different parts of town. I was quoted over £700 for an operation for my cat but called around different vet practices and went with a vet that charged me £220. I’ve obviously switched vets now to the new practice and I think part of the reduction was that it is based in a poorer area and the vets are catering for local needs and what the locals can afford.

Beating around the bush.

Sorry, not had time to RTFT, but re things to do for your DS.

Mine loved army, air or sea cadets (whichever is closest to you). It's amazingly well organised. They teach brilliant values, go away for 2 weeks every summer, and lots of weekends, with all food provided and they do some quality activities. Mine went on helicopter rides, coasteering, rock climbing, horse riding, theme parks, orienteering and loads of team building. It costs less than £100 in our Army cadets for the 2 week camp and Duke of Edinburgh's Award is free.
Weekly sub is about £2.

Also local sports clubs can be really cheap too, certainly cheaper than a gym.
Rowing (whilst considered posh), is often heavily subsidised and our local club is £20 a year for under 18's. Amazing value.

I am also facing the challenge of hugely reduced income (retirement).

Well no. Not naive. I've confronted her many times, she wouldn't reply with her exact circumstances

You will be fine but it’s difficult and give yourself grace!
things I would do:

• with food budget budget budget. Shop at cheaper supermarkets, bulk cook and learn to do ‘fakeaways’ so you get a treat with the cost
• utilise all the extras you often get with various accounts. Etc with octopus I get a free cafe Nero drink, you often get free cinema tickets etc so use these!
• Tell people. Be honest. ‘Things are really tight post divorce’ reset expectations without guilt.
• keep a note of your DD and have a session every 6 months where you try and review and see if you can bring costs down.
• Use Vinted. I have a rule that I can only buy what I have in my account so I sell bits and use that to buy other things. Be strict- shop mindfully.

Yeah my group is good because we will freely tell each other 'that sounds good but I can't spend any more this month' if someone suggests an expensive day out...or some will go and others won't.

I never really eat out because it's way too expensive especially with the kids, or get takeaway coffee, or buy tickets to events. I join all the neighbourhood groups and get alerts for free events all the time at museums etc.

How can she when she doesn't have any extra money!

@PloddingAlong21 I do agree with you re the bitterness with some people. Far too many people with a chip on their shoulder about ‘anyone’ who has ever had more than the bare essentials in life and yet are often the first ones who if they come into a bit of money book 4 holidays in a year, switch to M&S and buy the big show off house. OP clearly has reasons it’s like this, maybe she has to pay off her H if a higher earner, maybe they didn’t own , many self employed for instance don’t as even earning well it can be tough getting sufficient on mortgage, maybe she did have savings but has lost well paid job and has used savings to pay off debt- ? It’s what it is and advice needs to be ‘as per situation now’ not ‘why didn’t you do xyz’ - also a lot of people who react negatively are on their own - I personally found it way easier to make sensible choices in life when the decisions all came down to me, it can actually be much harder when in relationships or married and your partner develops habits and tastes that don’t reflect a savings/lidl lifestyle and by then you are often in a situation where the relationship matters to you or you have a lot tied up together and hence you go along with things even if mentally you aren’t singing from the same hymn sheet . .

It sounds like you will have greater peace of mind which is priceless, so congratulations on that!

Hobbies you can do for free or cheap are so useful in times like this. I have small children now so not very much free time, but things I used to enjoy for limited cost were:

Embroidery and cross stitch
Video gaming
Gardening
Jigsaws
Reading
Paint by numbers

You can watch lots of theatre productions at the cinema now through NT Live so that would be a good way to get your culture fix every couple of months.

Check out your local library, mine has free audiobook/magazine/jigsaw loans as well as books. BorrowBox and Libby are good lending apps.

Yellow reduced stickers at the supermarket just before closing and you can also get free food locally via some apps which would otherwise be binned. Aldi and Lidl really are so much cheaper than most of the other big supermarkets.

I agree with the PP who said that having some small savings is psychologically important - the difference between sleeping well at night and not - I would prioritise this if you can.

The Money Saving Expert website is a great resource that will show you how to save on everything from lightbulbs to holidays. You can also sell unwanted things on Vinted super easily.

Good luck - there is so much joy to be found in things that don’t cost a lot and you really do appreciate any luxuries or gifts so much more.

Wishing you all the best OP. 🌸

I had a very similar situation. I went from a £10k/month family budget to living on basic universal credit. I knew I had no financial security (unmarried SAHM) but buried my head in the sand in the hope that things would either get better relationship wise or that he would do the ‘right’ thing if we split. As it happened he did not do the right thing and walked away with his millions and left me as the primary carer for three young kids, having not worked for over 10 years. I had no idea how we would cope, but we totally did, and 5 years on we are so much happier.

At the beginning it was during lockdown, so I couldn’t work immediately, but as soon as could I got any job I could (worked in a cafe, then started cleaning). It was tough and there were some weeks where I would go clean a house to get paid my £30 cash to go straight to the supermarket for food for dinner that night/week. But I retrained, and am now working for myself and much more financially stable.

Obviously the food shop took the biggest hit. Mindfully choosing low budget options, making meat stretch further, buying basic fruit rather than endless berries. Shopping moved from Ocado to Aldi. Had a big talk with the kids and explained things would be different and we couldn’t have all the treats we used to have. They adjusted really easily to this. I also saved a bit every month for their birthdays and Christmas so I cousins still buy them presents without having to starve that month. Their dad is still wealthy so they have their fancy holidays with him, plus meals out/takeways/expensive day trips. We live a more simple life. Finances are better now, and we live a happy life, just not a luxurious life, which turns out for us, is a more fulfilling one.

The best thing to come of it was the enjoyment we found in the simple things. I got to know my kids so much better. Previously weekends were filled with expensive activities, where the kids were constantly occupied. Now it’s board games/cards/film nights/walks/trips to parks etc. Proper time, chatting/bonding rather than just numbing the mind spending money. What I’d call a more authentic existence. My friends gave no shits about my reduced budget, they were totally supportive and did whatever I could afford.

The point for my little story is; I did it, it was scary and I worried I’d never get out of that hole. But actually it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Lots of elements were really beneficial in many ways. We’re happier because of it, and lots can change. 5 years on I have a new partner, we are married, I’ve sold the house I shared with my ex and we have a house together now. We have an extra baby and blended family. We live modestly but not on the breadline and things are pretty great. Hang in there! Sounds like you have your head in the right place and a relalistic attitude towards the changes you need to make.

Please be reassured that it will be ok. I’ve been there too and adjusted and am now quite happy running my very tight ship. There’s lots of good advice on here so I’ll just add bits that I don’t think have been mentioned. I used a budget app and record in there immediately every time I spend something (like at the till as I’m walking away) and it’s now second nature and is so quick and easy. The visibility is brilliant for planning and keeping to budget. I think it sets a great example for my kids too as it’s an important life skill they weren’t learning when money was plentiful. You haven’t said, but make sure you’re claiming child support from your ex (assuming he earns more). And people have said it and I highly recommend - Martin’s money saving website is brilliant for saving money. All the best.

I had to re-budget as well after I stopped working with the kids

-Pack lunches, snacks, drinks before going out
-Vinted, FB Marketplace, neighbourhood upcycling groups instead of buying new
-Neighbourhood whatsapp groups and community centres for free events
-Buying the industrial bottles of shampoo/toiletries from salon suppliers, as well as learning to cut and dye/tone my hair myself with professional products
-Groupon/Treatwell for cosmetic treatments
-Online bulk retailers for expensive dry foods like nuts, seeds etc
-Buying Christmas presents/larger items during big sales