Gone from ‘Well Off’ to ‘Completely Skint’? Please tell me about it!

[BenignKipper]

I have had it verrrrrry easy and I knew it. Good professional monthly salary, able to throw stuff in my trolley at M&S Simply Food and not worry about what it would come to, nice wardrobe from Toast and Zadig etc. Are you running a marathon for a good cause? Great, of course I will sponsor you £30 etc etc.

But my circumstances have seriously changed. Salary the same but divorce means I am looking at £10-15 a day disposable income after bills and travel. I’ve pared everything back in my budget and I can survive (obviously).

But I know it will be a shock to my system, emotionally/socially - it seems scary. Has anyone done this? Do you have any tips to navigate it?

That will be an adjustment for you. My tops tips (having become a single parent 7 years ago):
I would suggest keeping a spending diary for a month to see what you are spending on.
Budget on an excel spreadsheet - Martin Lewis website has some good newbie budgeting tips.
Down grade your food shop - for two of you, you should aim for your weekly food shop to not exceed £100 per week (including booze/toiletries).
Remember to budget for annual expenses - Christmas, birthdays, holidays, insurances, car repairs etc (I have a savings account that I put money aside into each month so when these bills come in I can easily pay them, but if that is not an option then spread the load by paying for insurances monthly)
Aim to save £1,000 initially into an emergency fund (useful for unexpected white good replacements/ house repairs)
Subscriptions - cut back on any unnecessary ones. I cycle streaming services so we are only paying for one a month.
Clothes - only buy what you need, have a one in one out approach.

Once you have a good handle on your expenses then you can start going through each expense and negotiating better deals - I just changed our mobiles to Lebara - 3 mobiles for £3 a month for the first six months and then £24 a month after that. Handsets are bought refurbed.

Aim to be spending less than you get in by 10% so you can save/put money into pensions.

Can 16 year old try to get a part time job? Mine checks tickets at our local footie club which pays him £25 a Saturday plus he gets to watch the game for free after. The other one is training to be a referee. Is he into a particular sport - swimming = lifeguard/swim instructor for instance?

It's a big huge overwhelm to start but if you start with one thing at a time then you will get better at budgeting.

Good luck

I made it as fun as possible and made swaps

had dinner with friends at home - got them to bring starters and pudding, along with wine and I made. main course

walks with coffee from home, a coffee machine from market place was a bonus buy

sold suff I didn't need at a car boot

batch cooked and meal planned as it is defiently cheaper that way and stops wastage. I cook for for a week at the beginning of the month and each meal is for 6 people/portions. Eat 2 portions and freeze the other 4 portions x 7 is 21 portions in the freezer. Having a small freer - can you get a small under counter freezer? Even if you pop it in the bedroom it will certainly save you money on food shopping and cooking.

I also had to get a side hustle and am still doing the side hustle, which has really saved my bacon over the years

I think you might be confused about the term ‘disposable income’. Disposable income means after all expenses, fixed or variable. Disposable income is income that you have left to spend on anything you please. You’ve confused everyone by using that term

Hardly helpful, struggling to readjust, she will in time

When younger, having been less than sensible about saving when times were good, I have gone from feeling free to spend without caring to having to watch every penny several times.

What I found helped was setting up rituals I liked that didn't cost much but still felt like a treat. There are all sorts of next to free things you can do that, if you take your time over it, can become indulgent.

Coffee on the weekend became a favourite, I would take the time to make up a french press pot, heat the milk in a jug, set everything out on a tray and sit in the garden with it, reading.

Some people like to make a big deal out of a long bath and a home made face mask. (Not my sort of thing but I have a friend who swears by it).

Perhaps you and your DS could go running together round a park with an outdoor gym once or twice a week? If he's into climbing (you mention going to a bouldering place), you could learn to belay and go to somewhere he can climb for free once a month. Take a picnic - which you take time over making it special (picnics are a something I have kept up since rediscovering them the first time I had to cut back. Even now we're very flush I like picnics instead of getting lunch out).

I strongly suggest keeping netflix or some other TV service as it's really inexpensive for how much entertainment you can get out of it. We would plan what we wanted to watch and swap services every few months. Also, rediscovering cards and board games, if your DS is up for spending time with you like that. (Or your friends).

The library once a fortnight for books. Again, make a thing of it. Find the library you like the most and enjoy the trip, not just getting new reading material.

But I also think you need to try and up your income a bit or cut some expenditure somehow - I don't see how you can do food and clothes for an adult and teen boy on £10-15 a week, let alone breakages, birthdays, Christmas, etc.

dear @BenignKipper, you sound lovely and, actually, already a resourceful and resilient person, tho' understandably nervous about the drastic change in your financial situation. A budget of between £280 and £410 a month, to include food shopping, & which must also cover all other eventualities, is pretty meagre, especially when you've got a hungry teen DS. You asked for help&advice, and there's been plenty of generous-spirited responders, who've given fantastically useful advice, hints & tips. (Do ignore the mean-spirited carpers.)
My experience was total reverse of yours: drastic poverty from childhood (dead dad, overburdened/depressed mum); scrimped/saved from teens to adult to, eventually, buy a "do-er-upper" (as you could then). I worked & saved, DH did the DIY till we had a decent home.Then he died.So, after downsizing, I had £££. It's taken me YEARS to get past the thought-habit of always being poor. Now I indulge my taste for nice clothes (expunging memories of those hand-me-downs from pitying neighbours?). I go to the theatre rather a lot. I do whatever takes my fancy. I sincerely hope & expect that, when you get to my stage in life, you will be doing the same.

And to add to all the heaps of excellent advice on here about how to make a very little do a lot, here's a tip I heard (MN or R4?): if you've got a hungry teen needing to raid the fridge for an urgent snack, boil a batch of potatoes-in-their-skins and put them in a bowl in the fridge (optionally drizzled w a bit of butter; scattered w a bit of parmesan).
Good luck, OP. 🌷

Reduced budget - learn about food, don’t throw good food away. Encourage your son to cook. He will enjoy the creativity and feel he is contributing

Many famous chefs began young learning most often from their grandmothers in poverty stricken circumstances

Learn to appreciate what good (not costly) food tastes like. A few ingredients? Get onto Google for recipes ideas you don’t need to slavishly follow.

Most s. European men learn how to cook. Circs such as war, poverty, family illness etc.

Enjoyment and sharing food helps with family cohesion and if times tough then a tasty meal with your son (from cheap ingredients) will help to relieve stress.

Dont forget to get enough sleep.

I had to pull my belt in last year after a period of unemployment and the silver lining is,when you finally do get some money again you will feel as rich as Jeff bezos! I still remember buying the first non essential item after around 6 months of watching every penny and it wasn't particularly glam or lux, it was a cord bedshirt from next for £25 and I felt like it was spun from gold or something as it had been so long since id allowed myself to buy a treat.

Now im in better times but I don't spunk money like I used to, im much more sensible as a long term effect.

Find out when M&S closes and go there just before for the yellow stickers.

You can eat a meal from yellow stickers regularly and you can freeze them.

Eat less meat. Lentils, beans, chickpeas, bulgar etc are filling and cheap.

Make porridge for breakfast.

Make your own bread.

Put some clothes or other unwanted stuff on Vinted or eBay? Your son's old stuff too.

Encourage your son to get a part time job. That way he'll have a bit more money for himself.

Make sure you get every ounce out of the products you do buy e.g. cut open tubes of toothpaste when you think you've come to the end of the tube. I can get an extra week out of a tube of toothpaste doing that. Just wrap it up and clingfilm and it keeps ok.

Not clear why you have given your children's birthdays on an open forum...

The first year was very hard, I really had to kill my ego about what my life should look like.

Now though, as others have said, I see the value in living rather than consuming.

I joined the library, don't buy take out much anymore, I get all my clothes second hand, learnt how to cut my hair and how to do basic stuff from YouTube videos, fix taps stuff like that.

Started baking our own snacks like muffins from $1 cake mixes, popcorn etc.

Yesterday it was my partners birthday and he really wanted a grappling dummy (they are really expensive, wayyyy out of our price range) but I have been making him one out of an old karate uniform, old clothes, pillow stuffing, etc.

It is ridiculous looking but I don't think he has ever been so excited about a present I've given him before, he even cried a tiny bit when I gave it to him. 🥲

Sometimes your darkest times come before your brightest moments. ❤️

Does it really matter? I celebrate their birthday with plenty of people. It's only a birthday not top secret information. 🤷 A load of people have children's birthday on their Facebook account or post happy birthday posts. I was just talking about the age they are at it's hard to find childcare, which is one of the reasons why money is so tight. My oldest child won't be 9-3 for another 2 years.

Yeah the year will narrow it down, so outing when there are what 700000 babies born in this country alone each year?

That many in N.Ireland, OK.

Just thought it might be wise not to. Completely not my call though.

Or this involves money for food too?

I would suggest (starting now), if you don’t have one already, to start cutting back and have an emergency fund of 1-2k. At least this way, if you do have unexpected expenses/repairs, you will have a buffer.

I agree re shopping around. Lots of items can be purchased somewhere cheaper like Lidl’s/Aldi without compromising on quality. Doing online shopping more often (for groceries) can force you to budget and save money.

I agree to just see it as a fun challenge and try and save a bit first so it doesn’t feel as tough.

Not to sound like a t**t but we've gone the other way. I couldn't spend for a long time as it just seemed weirdly profligate. I'm not a miser but I am a saver now. I enjoy being able to help family out and to treat people I love a bit more. I have bought myself clothes from better labels, nothing major designer but high end highstreet.

As I don't really go anywhere bar doing nursery drop offs and walking the dog I've stopped that now. It's made me appreciate better quality but I'm enjoying getting quality stuff on vinted for a fraction of the price and selling my excess/wrong sized stuff there too, which basically makes new purchases free. I feel better about not adding to the tonnes of clothes going to landfill too.

I still shop in Aldi because I can't justify spending more on essentially the same things but also because I like the reduced choice. Enormous supermarkets with 800 different cereals or crisp flavours and entire aisles of sauces are so unnecessary and quite stressful. I occasionally get a waitrose delivery when I want to stock up on some things aldi doesn't do and add an odd treat in which I'll thoroughly enjoy, because it's a treat. Otherwise quick simple meals from real ingredients. If you've got eggs, beans & lentils, veg, fruit, yogurt, pasta, rice & porridge oats you can eat well.

We've always done loads of free days out, beach, country walks, park and playdates in the garden. If your son wants to have or do something that costs add it to the birthday or Christmas list and save up. Waiting for something like that adds to its appeal, getting what you want whenever makes special things much less special. The same for yourself when choosing to do things with friends, accept something you really want to do once in a while so it's affordable and try to do cheap or free meet ups otherwise.

When really struggling once I got a second job as front of house at a theatre because it was a bit of extra cash and I got to watch plays for free. I also met loads of lovely, creative people and enjoyed the social aspect, plus it helped longer term with career connections. Maybe your son could think of something he enjoys doing and find potential part time employment in it? Much, much more for him to gain than just the pocket money that will help out in the short term.

The world's become much more consumerist in my lifetime. DH and I were recently discussing how we could remember exact outfits or toys from childhood because we just didn't have much stuff then. There are lovely memories attached to things because they were a constant amongst few items for a long time. How many of today's kids will be gifted that when we seems to buy new clothes and gadgets at such an alarming rate? Slow living is a positive idea that might be worth looking into, although it really means what my 80s 90s childhood and youth looked like.

As long as you're not in absolute poverty you might find you can enjoy life from this perspective more than you thought you would. I hope so anyway.

This happened to me after divorce with around the same budget. At the start of the month I budget. Take out a weekly set amount for did shop and out that aside. Then split the rest into a weekly amount. You then do not go over that amount each week. Plan meals so you only buy what you need. Then look into earning more. I’m still on a tight budget but bus the extra I earn goes into savings and I feel I can breathe easier. Divorce was crippling financially but I’d still rather be poor than in the toxic relationship I had. You can do this- it’s hard and at times a bit depression but then just think of what you have gained emotionally.

TopCashback is great, especially if you’re looking for insurance or big purchases.

Also sign up for Airtime app. It gives you a cash bonus every time you use your registered payment cards in certain shops (Boots is my main earner). When you have £10 you can withdraw it to your bank account.

I recently retired and have had to pull my horns in too. Good luck, it sounds like you have a lovely ds there too ❤️

I moved a couple of years back to improve my quality of life, and to move towards a better remunerated job market.

Due to the nature of that job market and the prolific use of temporary contracts, life has been rather boom & bust since then. I don't have dependents so that stress is removed for me, and I am largely quite sensible with money, saving for a rainy day, etc., but I am currently in the bust/jobhunting part of the cycle and it feels tough.

I totally understand that there are levels of "skint", but for me personally it is "the little things" that get me down. When working, I'dno thtink twice about grabbing a coffee on the go or treating myself to a lipstick. When unemployed, I'd rather just stay indoors to not be tempted to fritter money away - and it is SO EASY to fritter!

@shuggles, I empathise with the feeling that "everyone has more money than me". Life is more expensive on a single income because nothing is split - the rent is 100% me, the electricity, the insurance, the internet, the water, the food, everything. It is a luxury to live as a single woman and I cherish my independence, but there is a pay off when people say "why didn't you take time off/retrain/move to a nicer area/get a second bedroom?".

Internally I am screaming "because there is only me!!! No one else is picking up the slack; earning extra, able to cover a tough couple of months, it's only me!!!". I am proud of how I have managed so far, but the reality is that my financial situation would be improved by pooling resources and splitting outgoings with a partner.

I moved a couple of years back to improve my quality of life, and to move towards a better remunerated job market.

Due to the nature of that job market and the prolific use of temporary contracts, life has been rather boom & bust since then. I don't have dependents so that stress is removed for me, and I am largely quite sensible with money, saving for a rainy day, etc., but I am currently in the bust/jobhunting part of the cycle and it feels tough.

I totally understand that there are levels of "skint", but for me personally it is "the little things" that get me down. When working, I'dno thtink twice about grabbing a coffee on the go or treating myself to a lipstick. When unemployed, I'd rather just stay indoors to not be tempted to fritter money away - and it is SO EASY to fritter!

@shuggles, I empathise with the feeling that "everyone has more money than me". Life is more expensive on a single income because nothing is split - the rent is 100% me, the electricity, the insurance, the internet, the water, the food, everything. It is a luxury to live as a single woman and I cherish my independence, but there is a pay off when people say "why didn't you take time off/retrain/move to a nicer area/get a second bedroom?".

Internally I am screaming "because there is only me!!! No one else is picking up the slack; earning extra, able to cover a tough couple of months, it's only me!!!". I am proud of how I have managed so far, but the reality is that my financial situation would be improved by pooling resources and splitting outgoings with a partner.

Your post brings sadness and reflection on a couple we know who have chosen to separate, middle aged, no joint children and now both struggling with cost of living and a reduction in standard of living. Settlement is a long way off, mostly due to one party being unreasonable in their assessment of pre martial assets and post contribution summary.

anyhow, for one of them home cooking hasn’t been a priority and had a hidden supply of crap until dinner was prepared and served by the other. Not sure ‘they’ are eating any better now but it’s certainly a consideration of the need to tighten the financial belt buckle. That person rents out a room. Not sure how long that will last…

the other is ‘fancy camping’ and not high end stuff. They have lost their home (until it gets sorted out which I think will be a court appointed matter) and their workplace. The last time I saw that person, I believe they had eased up on the grog and had a bit of colour about them. Family support was strong.

ita difficult not knowing you what to suggest to help but perhaps an appointment at a budget advisor is a good choice. Where we are, there’s give funding support groups as well as charities offering this service for free as well as a food bank.

give yourself time to heal. Xx

Govt funded ^^

Really recommend You Need A Budget https://www.ynab.com/ they do a free trial and it really helped me with starting off a budget when I had some hard times, factoring in one off spends, and just scanning in receipts instantly so it wasn’t laborious. Read Mr Money Mustache - from the Start Here posts. They make budgeting and saving a game, and some of the stuff was eye opening, when you haven’t been used to being more frugal.

Otherwise I’d say be honest with friends and family. If they’re still in the fortunate position of having decent disposable income, they might well want to treat you (without patronising you). Let them. I love treating people I love.

If you have a good job, is it possible you could negotiate a pay rise? Check with recruiters you’re being paid the market rate - if you’ve been at the company for a while, you might not be. I did this and got a 30% salary increase. It was nerve wracking, but ultimately they gave it to me. And I think raising your income is going to be the most important thing