Absolutely bemused by this and also feeling a bit stupid

[Crazylittlethingcalledpeople]

This makes me sound like a total idiot but never mind.

I encountered a woman on mumsnet about four years ago who was experiencing a similar situation to me. She DM’d me and we communicated back and forth for a while before swapping numbers and moving to WhatsApp.

Ive seen her posts on mumsnet since - so who knows, she might see this!

Anyway, we have messaged back and forth on and off for the last four years. Sometimes not in touch for a couple of months, other times every day. She’s painted a fairly chaotic situation in her personal life and mine hasn’t been plain sailing.

We’ve never actually spoken on the phone in this time which I guess is weird but I hate the phone 🤣

Anyway, she then suggested finally meeting up for a meal and a drink - she lives about 3 hours from me - but she said she would drive nearish to me and stop over. I sent her a link for a hotel and booked somewhere for dinner and then we planned to have a few drinks.

So yesterday she messages to say what time she’s leaving. She keeps me updated with where she is and the time she should arrive. I head over at roughly the time she is expected… she messages to say she’s just parking her car and I walked over to the restaurant to wait for her.

And… that was it. I waited for twenty minutes and then tried to call her - went to answerphone. Then nothing on WhatsApp was delivering and it was clear she must have blocked me. I waited forty minutes in total in case (unlikely) her phone had lost charge, delayed checking in etc but absolutely nothing. I’m also blocked on her fb.

It must be one of the most bizarre things to ever happen to me.
She’s never asked me for money or anything weird… I mean clearly she never set off or had the intention of meeting me… but literally five minutes before blocking me she said ‘I’ve arrived.’

My brain is really like 🤯 because I can’t see why she’d bother all that time and then suggest meeting and then - ghost me?

So if she is reading this - it’s fine, I went and met some friends but it’s just weird! And I can’t make head nor tail of it! I guess I’m also a little freaked out because I would have said she was a friend and I can’t understand what she got from this? For all of it I’d like to know she’s ok.

Any way you can find out if she checked into the hotel? Or if she even booked it? Do you know her name?

I once had to work with someone who was (apparently) based in the US who did something like this. She was a pathological liar who just loved the attention and made out like we were really close friends when she was lying all along. She told me she was at the same conference I was at, and arranged to meet in the bar, but I don't think she ever actually turned up and she told others she was in another US state at the time. When it came out in our (fairly small) work-based community, four or five other women came forward with identical stories, that she'd done the same to them. In every case she told each of us "you're my only friend" and similar, really trying to make out like she was super-lonely but she had all of us being strung along at the same time. The whole thing went on for years before she was found out.
Some people just can't help lying.

I’m not surprised you’re freaked out. That’s just so weird and it would really unsettle me.
Have you searched your friend’s Mumsnet username to see if they’ve posted today?
It just goes to show how you never really know who somebody is online.

Sounds as though she liked the fantasy of having a friend but couldn't cope with the reality of it. Sorry OP, that must have been tough

She sent that message and then blocked you so quickly your response didn’t even go through, that’s mental! Nothing could have happened that quickly to change her plans.

Her profile on fb has 72 friends but she doesn’t ever upload anything new to it. Mind you, nor do I to mine so that didn’t necessarily worry me.

She offered to come - I said I’d get dinner as she’d paid for the hotel. I didn’t coerce her. It was like we’ve been in contact for ages, she’d got some time and I did offer to meet halfway but she said she’d come nearer to me.

Maybe it was a man. Didn’t feel like I was writing to a man and was absolutely never sexual or romantic or anything. I don’t know. It’s just really odd. I mean clearly she isn’t who she said she is and she must - imo - have never intended to come even as she was messaging to say she was leaving.

I said to her earlier in the week not to worry if it was too much but she said she was looking forward to it. Repeatedly.

Classic catfishing. Women do it. It’s just for something to do. Gives them a thrill. My guess is her life is quite sad and empty and maybe nothing like she’s painted it to be. People construct fantasy lives to feel important. Bit pathetic really. But you won’t be the only person she’s done it to probably.

I do feel unsettled.
Because I can’t understand why someone would invest all that time - and the messages were only ever friendly - and then do that. We bonded over a similar situation and kind of virtually supported each other over the last few years.
Or not. Apparently.

I’m not distraught or anything… more just a bit unsettled and bewildered.

I would be unsettled too. There may still be a reasonable explanation but it does seem as though someone has just been messing with you, and that’s horrible.

Oh this is such a disappointment for you.

Nowt to queer as folk. It does put me in mind of Sweet Bobby.

I think it’s because I just can’t see the point? Why would someone go to all that effort for such a long time… for nothing?

It doesn’t make sense to me in any way at all. It just seems so odd.

I always thought cat-fishing had a purpose - like money, photos whatever. Maybe the purpose was the attention. I just don’t know.

I don’t think there’s any explanation except she isn’t who she said she is. And she never intended to meet.

But her posts on here over the years have married up to what she was telling me was happening so unless she was really playing me by putting false threads on as well then, well, I don’t know?!

Some of the Catfish TV episodes covered things that went on for years so it could be that, did anything in your conversations every strike you as odd or out of place?

It really makes no sense. If she’d really wanted to mess you about she’d have had you travel further to her and then stood you up. I can’t see what she got out of all of this, it didn’t massively inconvenience you as you were close to home.

Theres either a genuine reason (chickened out or whatever) or it’s been a big, weird game in which case you’re best off out of it. But I must say 4 years is a long time to be playing such a silly game with such an anticlimactic outcome.

I mean she had a chaotic personal life but she never changed details - so it wasn’t like she said something and then later on changed it.

Just weird. All of it.

I kind of hope now I don’t hear from her / him / them again. That’s probably the best possible outcome.

This complete silence is disconcerting. Moments after sending that message saying ‘just parking, be ten mins.’

But if she’d chickened out she could have just made an excuse. It would have been fine. She could have said she was ill or one of the kids or whatever. Not an issue at all.

I don’t think it’s that.

But equally I can’t see what ‘she’ got from it all. My brain keeps trying to work it out and can’t!

For 4 years though? It is so bizarre

I think sometimes the purpose is just to get some attention and to feel in control of another person, to be the puppet master capable of pulling their emotional strings, to make them show kindness and sympathy and other emotions that the catfisher either doesn't get shown or doesn't really have and is intrigued by.

I have met women like this. Sort of passive, benign-ish psychopathic women who get all curious at any display of emotional sensitivity and compassion and then try to press your buttons to see if they can extract some more of it from you as if you were a sympathy vending machine. When I spot it, it creeps me out.

Maybe you aren't there only one. Maybe the she has several personas on the go and is in contact with numerous mumsnetters. People do weird things for attention.

If so let’s hope they see this thread and figure out it’s the same person so they can extricate themselves.

Please listen to the Two Johnnies podcast on Spotify, they have 3 episodes called the GAA Catfish. It is craaaaazy how far people go for attention, and it is mental how they can use fake stories and not get tripped up. Wonder could you report this to moderators, high chance the person is doing this to more than just you!

We moved from mumsnet though to WhatsApp. We’ve not messaged on mumsnet for a long time - albeit I’ve seen her posts because they’ve been recognisable as the same stuff she’s telling me.

This is very odd.

They are probably enjoying reading this thread too.