Family funeral 5 hours away 38 weeks pregnant

[thechicks]

FIL has recently passed away. I will be 38 weeks pregnant on the funeral date, funeral is a 5 hour flight away. DP originally said no to travelling that close to my due date, their family are piling pressure on to be there. I am really torn between being ok with her going and being really not ok with it. DP's family are unlikely to react well if they tell them they aren't going. I'm totally torn on what to do.

The op has said she'd rather the dp didn't go. Doesn't matter what we think really but funerals are not something to potentially miss the birth of your child for.

I think the funeral of a parent or someone equally close is something to potentially miss the birth for if the person wants to attend the funeral. I also don't think it's up to OP at all and the most unreasonable thing her wife has done is ask her to make the decision.

Some editing of first sentence for clarification

It seems like pressure from the family is the problem here though. The dp is about to be a parent they need to be assertive and prioritise their new family.

I admit I'm biased as I find funerals and the processions etc ridiculous performances. It is stuff like this that is typical of funerals, you don't 'pressure' people to go. If they can great, if they can't or won't leave them alone.

I would 100% support her going. The chances of you going into labour during those days are small but the chances of her regretting her father's funeral are massive. Having done 95% of my first childbirth alone (COVID times) I know what I am talking about and believe me I understand why that idea worries you and DW, but in the unlikely event you go early you will be fine I promise you). We are so much stronger than we think we are. But she will regret not saying goodbye properly and if you don't go into labour during those days she might resent you and the baby, even if subconsciously. Let her go and arrange as an emergency backup for a friendly face to hold your hand during the tough parts, even if you send them out when you start pushing if you're feeling awkward.

ETA - if she wants to go I mean. I'd tell her it was OK for her to go. I wouldn't push her hard if she actually doesn't want to and it's just family pressure causing problems.

Absolutely this 👆

OP doesn’t want her to go and is understandly nervous, but even if you go into Labour bystanders aren’t important to be honest when you are in the zone!

if your wife didn’t want to go then fair enough but she it seems it’s OP that really doesn’t want her to go,. I know we all get a bit precious firstborn and it is a marvellous thing but your wife may need a moment to say goodbye to her dad and be with her family.

I think this is in my mind tbh. DP is more worried about not being here for the birth than missing the funeral.

There's a strong culture of funerals being a big thing, yes.

My mom would need more looking after than she would be use. Other relatives I have a good relationship with couldn't come here just in case for various reasons, I don't have a good relationship with others. Our closest local friends are actually flying out for the funeral, as they knew FIL well. I have other friends who could drive me to the hospital if needed. I don't have friends here I'd feel comfortable having in the delivery room.

IMO, if your partner's mother (assuming she is still alive) has support from other family members, then your partner's place is by your side.

I'm saying this as someone who had to cope with her husband's funeral on her own.

This isn't about your partner wanting to be present at her child's birth: this is about her needing to be with you to support you and to advocate for you if necessary.

I’m not sure what pp meant exactly, but generally a wake doesn’t mean drunkenness. It’s the tradition of sitting with the deceased from the time of death until burial so of course it’s going to take up to three days.

Usually the first or second evening there’s a rosary. The next evening people call between certain times ( eg 4 - 8pm) and offer condolences to relatives and visit with the deceased (open casket). Tea, sandwiches and cake are far more usual than alcohol at this time. Neighbours bring food and help out. Funeral is the next day.

People don’t attend to get ‘shitfaced’, such an ugly stereotype. They attend as an expression of loss and support. In this case maybe a smaller gathering would have been more appropriate, but I think you’ve misunderstood what an Irish wake is. In the UK the term is often used to describe the gathering following funeral/burial but that is not the traditional meaning. An Irish wake precedes the funeral, the deceased is present.

rip.ie/practical-information/the-irish-wake-8

I’m sorry OP, but I think it would be a great kindness to your DP to agree to her going to her father’s funeral. She needs you to make the decision to make her feel okay about going.
Obviously I’m hoping she’d be there for the birth too. I’m sorry the timing makes things so hard.

I would absolutely encourage my partner to attend a parents funeral and knowing that you don't want her to has no doubt affected her ability to be truthful with you about how she feels about it. How could she possibly tell you that she wants to go, wants to be there with her family and grieve with those who feel the same pain. She wouldn't be able to knowing how you feel.
No matter what reason she gives her family, they will know that you held the cards and could have given her the freedom to go.
It is unlikely you will go into labour in that time but, if you did, it's just as likely she'd be back in time considering it's not that far away.

What really struck me is that your closest friends are flying to the funeral, but your wife is not going? Perhaps one of the friends could stay with you so that your wife attends her own father's funeral.

I know what it's like to not have your spouse with you - twice. My husband had to fly 10 hours away for a week when I was 36 weeks with our first child. Thankfully, I didn't go into labour early. Our second child, he had to miss the birth and their first 3 months as he was on a tour of duty. He was actually away for a year, so literally left the day after conception (pregnancy not planned). He came home for 2 weeks R&R, which coincided with the 20 week scan. It was tough, but we just had to deal with it. It was his duty to be away, and a father's funeral is similarly important.

I only had PIL as we were living in my husband's country, so my MIL, who I didn't know very well, was with me for the birth.

Chances are that DW would be back in plenty of time to support you, so I fail to understand why you think she should miss the funeral. I understand you are worried and feeling vulnerable, but you do have other people around you who could step up in the remote possibility that you go into labour, they just aren't your preference.

If you don't give her your blessing to go, there is likely to be resentment down the line from your wife and her family.

This.

Tbh, I can't believe you are expecting your partner not to go, based on the vanishing unlikely possibility that you'll go into labour while she's there.

If one of the friends you would feel comfortable with is going to the funeral, can you ask them to stay with you instead so your wife can go?

And sometimes we don’t get everything we want. Life isn’t a Disney film.

The DW also has wants and needs and for her it is attending her father's funeral before facing up to birth knowing their child will never meet him. Her family want her there as most families would.

The pregnancy is not “high risk”. From the OP:
It's not been a straightforward pregnancy, but not enough complications to make it a definite no to DP going either. ie, no medical reason why the DP should not go.
Its unfortunate, considering both families are a mid length flight away that they have made no friends the OP can call on and that is something I’d recommend they work on. We all need friends to call on in emergencies, not just for births.

Many other women on this thread have described giving birth just with the aid of midwives and staff due to partner being unable to attend. Its not unusual. Many more have pointed out that statistically the likelihood of going into labour two weeks early within that 24-36 hr period is unlikely.

I would be packing my partner’s bag in this situation frankly (and I’ve given birth to 4).

As its being live streamed, if your partner doesn’t feel they can leave you (quite rightly so) then they should put their foot down snd say no. When my mum died, my sibling who lives in another country, didnt come back for it and we understood the reasons why. They (partners fam) will get over it

Quite.

The inability of posters here to imagine anything outside their own cultural frame of reference is staggering sometimes. Cultural practices vary but they remain an important part of our lives, often more so when separated by distance from family.

What you don't think there would be a spare HCA round to give some support or even making the midwife aware she might be. On her own is a good idea?

I think your own experiences are heavily biasing your view here. As are mine, the other way.

I think your partner should aim to go the night before and come back as soon as possible the day after the funeral so there are just two days when she wouldn't be around. The chances of you going into labour during that time are small - yes, it's possible, but it's highly improbable, as the helpful stats post above shows.
In the meantime, line up a good friend to have on standby to keep you company and take you to hospital if needed. Try to relax through those two days and they'll pass quickly. If you do go into labour, the health care workers will take over and, knowing your partner is at her fathers funeral, will look after you. In reality, labour can take hours and hours so I think the chances of her missing the birth are very slim.

If she does n’t go, and nothing happens with labour, how will that affect your relationship longer term?

'I think this is in my mind tbh. DP is more worried about not being here for the birth than missing the funeral.'

Well that is your answer. She needs to be sensitive but firm with her family

I absolutely loathe the obsession some have with funerals it's all about who was there. Life goes on!

I bet her df would want her to stay at home if that is where she felt she should be.

I bet it will strengthen it. The dp showing 100% where her priorities lie.

Whereas the OP is showing she is also happy to put pressure on her.

The poor DP is stuck between a rock and a hard place with both sides guilt tripping her.

You don’t think dp might come to resent missing it and perhaps struggle with family going forwards?

No, I think if she went and missed the birth that would cause problems going forwards.

Imminent births trump funerals every time imo. They can go and visit with newborn afterwards to see family, she can watch the funeral on a live stream. I don't think watching her child's birth on a live stream if it came to it would be a satisfactory substitute.