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Original poster

Family funeral 5 hours away 38 weeks pregnant

233 replies

thechicks · 02/08/2025 13:16

FIL has recently passed away. I will be 38 weeks pregnant on the funeral date, funeral is a 5 hour flight away. DP originally said no to travelling that close to my due date, their family are piling pressure on to be there. I am really torn between being ok with her going and being really not ok with it. DP's family are unlikely to react well if they tell them they aren't going. I'm totally torn on what to do.

OP posts:
jbm16 · 02/08/2025 16:20

Not sure it needs to be back and white, I would want to go to my fathers funeral, the chances are slim that you would go into labour at that stage, so can't you play it by ear, if everything is fine up to the point she needs to fly then she goes? If you go into labour before then different scenario.

JustMyView13 · 02/08/2025 16:21

C8H10N4O2 · 02/08/2025 16:15

“Only one right answer here” - yes, for the DP to attend their parent’s funeral.

The OP will have the midwife and staff to support her unless she is planning a freebirth. She will cope just as many women cope. It is unusual for someone to have no friends to provide any support but either way she won’t be alone.

Partners in the delivery room are recent historically and a mixed blessing in some cases. We seem to have gone from “partners have no place in the delivery room” to “mandatory partners in the delivery room, useful or not because poor women can’t cope” which is just as bad.

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It’s not that partners are mandatory, it’s that OP is high risk and wants DP to be there for the birth.
The best place, time and way for a mother to birth their child is in the environment they feel the most relaxed it. For OP that is in the presence of their DP.
Just because women coped years ago doing it alone, and just because plenty of women go it alone now, it doesn’t obligate OP to be some kind of hero and do the same.
OP wants their wife there for the birth. OP has no other support network to lean on. Unfortunately, whilst it’s an awful position to be in, FIL won’t know if DW attends or not. But OP will certainly be impacted by DP absence in the event of Labour.

22O725 · 02/08/2025 16:22

HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime · 02/08/2025 16:10

Confused.
Are you two gay women?

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How can you be confused. OP is pregnant and references her female partner.

Horserider5678 · 02/08/2025 16:22

thechicks · 02/08/2025 13:22

I'm definitely not going, I wouldn't be able to fly. It's whether DP goes.

Absolutely DP must go! I’m assuming DP wasn’t there when he died, so this will be an important part of their grieving process!

LadyDanburysHat · 02/08/2025 16:23

Your DP needs to go. She will regret not going and it could cause huge issues in her family. I know you don't want her too, but this is one of those times you have to suck it up and hope for the best.

Horserider5678 · 02/08/2025 16:26

JustMyView13 · 02/08/2025 16:21

It’s not that partners are mandatory, it’s that OP is high risk and wants DP to be there for the birth.
The best place, time and way for a mother to birth their child is in the environment they feel the most relaxed it. For OP that is in the presence of their DP.
Just because women coped years ago doing it alone, and just because plenty of women go it alone now, it doesn’t obligate OP to be some kind of hero and do the same.
OP wants their wife there for the birth. OP has no other support network to lean on. Unfortunately, whilst it’s an awful position to be in, FIL won’t know if DW attends or not. But OP will certainly be impacted by DP absence in the event of Labour.

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Rubbish! DP in all likelihood wasn’t there when her father died! She needs to attend as part of the grieving process. DP will throw this in her face every time they have a disagreement, particularly if the baby is late. She will be gone for about 15 hours, I really do t believe she has no one who can support her until DP returns, the gat community is incredibly close knit and supportive!

Flightyandmighty · 02/08/2025 16:28

Yes I think they should go even if it’s for 24 hours. I think they may regret it if they don’t depending on the relationship.

JustMyView13 · 02/08/2025 16:29

Horserider5678 · 02/08/2025 16:26

Rubbish! DP in all likelihood wasn’t there when her father died! She needs to attend as part of the grieving process. DP will throw this in her face every time they have a disagreement, particularly if the baby is late. She will be gone for about 15 hours, I really do t believe she has no one who can support her until DP returns, the gat community is incredibly close knit and supportive!

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Wow.
Why are you assuming OP is a lier and DP is abusive? Very odd.

Gloriia · 02/08/2025 16:30

I wouldn't have wanted my dh to go on a 5hr flight whilst I was 38weeks pregnant.

Surely people consider these things in advance when they live in a different country to their parents.

Sirzy · 02/08/2025 16:30

thechicks · 02/08/2025 16:05

DP is really back and forth between wanting to go and thinking it's a bad idea. She wants me to make the decision really. I would rather she didn't go, but that isn't going to go down well with her family.

To me the fact she is “back and forth” suggests that deep down she probably does want to go but needs your approval.

Ultimately only she can decide but I think it’s important she knows you’re happy for her to go. It’s not ideal but she needs to be able to be with her family if that’s what she wants.

fowyvyot · 02/08/2025 16:30

HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime · 02/08/2025 16:10

Confused.
Are you two gay women?

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What is it you are confused about?
That two women are in a relationship?
Or that they are having a baby together?

Livpool · 02/08/2025 16:31

She should go to her father’s funeral - it sounds like she wants to but hesitate because OP doesn’t want her to…

PestoHoliday · 02/08/2025 16:40

Tell her to go. It can be a really important part of the grieving process and she'll also get to see her mum and other close family which will also help.

It's extremely unlikely you'll give birth on the two days she's away.

Redheadedstepchild · 02/08/2025 16:40

jbm16 · 02/08/2025 16:20

Not sure it needs to be back and white, I would want to go to my fathers funeral, the chances are slim that you would go into labour at that stage, so can't you play it by ear, if everything is fine up to the point she needs to fly then she goes? If you go into labour before then different scenario.

Very sensible.

Original poster
thechicks · 02/08/2025 16:47

Horserider5678 · 02/08/2025 16:26

Rubbish! DP in all likelihood wasn’t there when her father died! She needs to attend as part of the grieving process. DP will throw this in her face every time they have a disagreement, particularly if the baby is late. She will be gone for about 15 hours, I really do t believe she has no one who can support her until DP returns, the gat community is incredibly close knit and supportive!

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This really isn't a helpful assumption. We do have close friends. No one that I'd be comfortable having there while giving birth.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 02/08/2025 16:52

thechicks · 02/08/2025 16:02

I am pregnant. DW is not pregnant, her father's funeral is a 5 hour flight away. I'm not going, DW is back and forth between going and not going.

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If it was a hen do in Ibiza, the obvious answer would be absolutely not. But this is her father's funeral. She should go.

The chances of you going into labour while she is gone are small, and missing her father's funeral is not a small thing.

Obviously if you go into labour shortly before she is due to leave for the airport then she should stay.

CountryQueen · 02/08/2025 16:54

JustMyView13 · 02/08/2025 16:21

It’s not that partners are mandatory, it’s that OP is high risk and wants DP to be there for the birth.
The best place, time and way for a mother to birth their child is in the environment they feel the most relaxed it. For OP that is in the presence of their DP.
Just because women coped years ago doing it alone, and just because plenty of women go it alone now, it doesn’t obligate OP to be some kind of hero and do the same.
OP wants their wife there for the birth. OP has no other support network to lean on. Unfortunately, whilst it’s an awful position to be in, FIL won’t know if DW attends or not. But OP will certainly be impacted by DP absence in the event of Labour.

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Nonsense. The DP will be back for the birth and everyone knows it. She needs to go to her dads funeral, the OP will be fine.

CountryQueen · 02/08/2025 16:57

thechicks · 02/08/2025 16:47

This really isn't a helpful assumption. We do have close friends. No one that I'd be comfortable having there while giving birth.

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But you’re comfortable with your DP missing her dad’s funeral because there’s a tiny chance she’ll miss the birth and you absolutely can’t trust yourself, midwives, your friends, family or a doula?

Selfish and doesn’t set the child up with good family relations going forward. She should be able to grieve with her family in person at her dad’s funeral and you, as her partner, should be insisting that she goes. Even if it puts you slightly out of your “comfort zone”

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 02/08/2025 17:31

rainbowunicorn · 02/08/2025 16:13

There is nothing confusing about it. The OP is clear as to who is pregnant, what sex her partner is, who will be flying and who has died.

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Car Chase Police GIF

Thread police 😂

Gloriia · 02/08/2025 17:34

CountryQueen · 02/08/2025 16:54

Nonsense. The DP will be back for the birth and everyone knows it. She needs to go to her dads funeral, the OP will be fine.

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On another thread an op's dh wanted to go to a stag do whilst she was 38weeks. Obviously a stag do is not important but many people advised her the birth could happen anytime after 35weeks.

Of course the dp should stay at home wirh the wife.

Funerals can be missed, like streams are available.

DappledThings · 02/08/2025 17:38

Gloriia · 02/08/2025 17:34

On another thread an op's dh wanted to go to a stag do whilst she was 38weeks. Obviously a stag do is not important but many people advised her the birth could happen anytime after 35weeks.

Of course the dp should stay at home wirh the wife.

Funerals can be missed, like streams are available.

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In both cases there is a small risk the OP will go into labour. The difference is whether that risk is worth it. And I think for most people there is a clear difference between risking missing the birth for a pissed-up jolly for a few days versus attending a parent's funeral for as short a time as transport allows.

I'd be quite shocked by someone missing their dad's funeral in these circumstances unless the relationship between parent and child was particularly strained before his death.

Redheadedstepchild · 02/08/2025 17:43

@thechicks I'm kind of sticking my neck out here but I'm only speaking from personal experience. Does your DP have a family/come from a culture etc who/which insists on big funerals?

I only say this because I had a dear friend who made quite clear his wishes before he died for, "No fuss." but ended up with a three day long Irish wake anyway.

Is her family very big on that sort of thing?

Gloriia · 02/08/2025 17:58

DappledThings · 02/08/2025 17:38

In both cases there is a small risk the OP will go into labour. The difference is whether that risk is worth it. And I think for most people there is a clear difference between risking missing the birth for a pissed-up jolly for a few days versus attending a parent's funeral for as short a time as transport allows.

I'd be quite shocked by someone missing their dad's funeral in these circumstances unless the relationship between parent and child was particularly strained before his death.

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No the point is labour is entirely possible anytime after 36 weeks.

You don't leave the country when your wife is 38 weeks either for a pissed up jolly or a funeral.

DappledThings · 02/08/2025 18:00

Gloriia · 02/08/2025 17:58

No the point is labour is entirely possible anytime after 36 weeks.

You don't leave the country when your wife is 38 weeks either for a pissed up jolly or a funeral.

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But clearly people disagree. I'd guess (having not seen the other thread referenced) that about 98% of people thought going on a stag do was unreasonable. This one is really split with I think slightly more on the DP should go side.

The risk is the same, but a lot of people would ascribe a very different value to that risk.

Gloriia · 02/08/2025 18:02

'I had a dear friend who made quite clear his wishes before he died for, "No fuss." but ended up with a three day long Irish wake anyway.'

That is appalling how could his wishes have been disregarded like that? A 3 day long wake! Honestly any excuse for some people to get shitfaced. I bet half the attendees there hadn't spoken to him or seem him for years.