Family funeral 5 hours away 38 weeks pregnant

[thechicks]

FIL has recently passed away. I will be 38 weeks pregnant on the funeral date, funeral is a 5 hour flight away. DP originally said no to travelling that close to my due date, their family are piling pressure on to be there. I am really torn between being ok with her going and being really not ok with it. DP's family are unlikely to react well if they tell them they aren't going. I'm totally torn on what to do.

I'm sorry OP that so many posters have the comprehension skills of a 5 year old. In your position I'd let your partner decide and not put pressure on her either way.

As others have said it isn’t ideal but I would let her go. It’s very unlikely you will give birth in those actual days and (unless there’s a massive backstory) she will presumably want to be there for her family and herself. Please don’t be afraid to reach out to neighbours and friends. I’d certainly be happy to come over and help even neighbours I didn’t know well under these circumstances. Good luck to you both

Of course dp should go if they wish. Unless your pg is high risk you are likely to go over dates and their absence could be short.

You obviously cannot go.

I think your DP should go if at all possible. It is possible that labour will start during DP's absence but it's very unlikely. It's much more likely that you can just rest on the sofa watching netfix with your favourite takeaways on speeddial and you'll be fine alone for a perhaps only 24-36 hrs, and your baby will be born much more conveniently a couple of weeks later.

If you did go into labour it would be unlikely to all be over by the time DP could return. First time mothers are usually at home having gradually increasing contractions for at least 12 hours before the contractions get frequent enough to go to hospital, so you won't get near the delivery room till quite a long time after it kicks off. If it starts in earnest then DP will have time to get home. If it is all so quick and simple that it is all over that quickly then that's the kind of easy birth where you have a lot less need of DP being there. It's the long and difficult ones where you need DP to be there.

Missing one's father's funeral is a huge thing to ask of anyone unless they were estranged and they are ambivalent about going.

Surely the airline won’t let you fly?

This. OP never suggested going herself and was clear her partner is female.

OP your partner should absolutely be able to go and I don't think you should be putting any barriers in her way at all. The chances of her missing the birth are very small but the chance that she would regret missing her father's funeral are huge.

Goodness me, it's not a long thread and the OP is perfectly clear. She's not going to the funeral. The question at issue is whether her partner should.

Have you had any indication from professionals or a gut feeling when baby is likely to come? If it’s a first child they often seem to arrive late. If DP only needs to travel for two days and you think there’s a high chance of baby coming early could you pay a doula to be on call or a friend to come stay just for those two days maybe so DP can fly knowing you’ll be ok?

Seriously? He’s lost his father…there will only be one funeral! It’s not like he’s going off to Ibiza for a stag do (like the other 38 week pregnant thread!)

Even if the baby did come, it will still be there when the OP’s partner gets home. His dad is gone forever!! Of course he needs to go to the funeral!

I think this is one of those times that the only person who can make the decision to go or not is your Partner. They need to make the decision for themselves whether or not to attend their late father's funeral or not.

Apart from it being her father not his as both are women I completely agree.

I don't understand how this is even a question really. A parent's funeral absolutely takes precedence over the small chance of missing the birth. It wouldnt have occurred to me to assume anything other than of course DH would go to his father's funeral if it was me.

It is up to your DP - for me it’d be really important to be at my mum’s funerals, less so rest of family where I have a less close relationship. The stats are in favour of it being on to go I think. Unless there are particular reasons to think you’d go into labour early: Looking at official stats, 16% of all births are sometime in week 38. The chance of it being in those two days that DP would be away is therefore around 5%. Not negligible, but a 95% chance they’d miss their dad’s funeral when they could have been there and still be back for the birth.

Your partner has to go. This is not really up for debate, surely.

The funeral is going to be live-streamed, but DP's family understandably want her there physically. First baby, but I'm older, so more likely to arrive early than late is my understanding. Because of the flight options and distances from the airport each way and the time of the funeral, DP would have to fly out the night before. We've looked at doing it in one day, it's not going to work out.

I would send your DP, I think she'll regret not going to her parent's funeral unless there's a back story about a family split. Fly out the day before and back the evening of the funeral.
As others have said you can relax on the sofa.

I assume this is your first and you have therefore no issues with childcare?

First babies at your age generally take ages to come. I mean you will usually have a long labour.

I think your partner should go to the funeral and come back as soon as she can get a flight. She's not likely to miss the birth.

It's entirely your partner's choice, OP, but personally I'd be prioritising the living (ie you and your child) over the deceased.
Let's face it, 20% of the UK population now have a direct cremation, which means that there is no funeral, and I think that demonstrates that funerals are very much optional.

How old are you?

I think your dp should go to her dad's funeral, but I also think that if she does you need to both accept that you might be giving birth alone. Plan for worst case and anything else will be a pleasant surprise.

How many times? The partner is female!

A parent's funeral absolutely takes precedence over the small chance of missing the birth.

I think that very much depends on the family. My siblings are a long flight away and my elderly parents have given them strict instructions that they're not to waste money attending a funeral in the UK.

I would let this decision be your partner's.

I think she needs to go. Surely she wants to? Hopefully she can be there and back before the baby is anywhere near arriving. Poor thing, what a lot of things to deal with.

Surely s/he has to go, I wouldn't stop my partner doing this

I don't see the reason for debate. Unless they were estranged, of course your partner would be reasonable to try her best to attend her father's funeral.

If you go into labour, that's a different matter.

(In my limited experience, all of the older FTM I know went over their due dates, were induced, then had c-sections.)

Good luck. I hope all goes well and that your partner is able to attend both events, if this is their choice.

What a dilemma for you. Your DP only has one Dad and should be there with their family at his funeral. It could have far reaching problems for your DP with their family if they don't attend and they may find it difficult to live with the fact that they didn't go. I would make a supreme effort to get someone close to be with you or at the very least close by while your partner is away in case you go into early labour.

But ultimately, you will both have to make the decision yourselves. It's a horrible situation.