Family funeral 5 hours away 38 weeks pregnant

[thechicks]

FIL has recently passed away. I will be 38 weeks pregnant on the funeral date, funeral is a 5 hour flight away. DP originally said no to travelling that close to my due date, their family are piling pressure on to be there. I am really torn between being ok with her going and being really not ok with it. DP's family are unlikely to react well if they tell them they aren't going. I'm totally torn on what to do.

Reading comprehension 5* on here today😂

On a serious note, yes, she should go. It's her father.

Except she didn't. She kept calling her partner "partner" and they/them. Forgets herself once and uses her but fewer times than they/them so it looks like a typo as clearly she wouldn't misgender her own partner. So either it's all bullshit or she was deliberately being cagey about partner's sex initially.

I think you would be very unreasonable to prevent her from going, you are an adult - you will be supported if it comes to it at the hospital. It is only one full day. It’s her father not some random relative. I’m sure it will be okay.

No airline will take you that late in your pregnancy so you quite simply can’t go.

Oh golly, that’s a dilemma op. If she wants to go she absolutely should. It’s her dad, and her feelings around going should be respected. That said, it’s a tough call for you, but I think you need to avoid putting pressure on her in an already difficult scenario and see what she decides. Obviously she’ll get back as soon as she can, and hopefully you won’t go into labour while she’s away, but missing her dads funeral is a big ask which I don’t think you can make, it’s up to her. Good luck with whatever you both decide.

I’m gonna be really blunt here, but it comes from a kind place.

Your FIL is dead.
Your DP priority should be the living: their DW & unborn DC. The timing is awful, but they can FaceTime them in, just like we all did during covid. Unfortunately, there’s never a convenient time for a loved one to die, but the imminent birth of your DC should be their focus here. It’s an awful situation for them to be in, and you both have my every sympathy. But I think they need a reality check if they’re planning on caving.

She said she saying they or them is a perfectly reasonable thing to say about her. I say they all the time I think we have lost sight of the actual use!

The actual use is plural. So you're right, we've lost sight of that.

This.

To be fair the OP was written in a very ambiguous way

You can't ask them to miss their father's funeral. It won't be a long trip.

No no no
don’t go
airline shouldn’t allow it & you won’t be insured.
get letter from gp

edited to say: let the others go on

I would expect my dp to stay with me in this situation.

Yes, but funerals are for the living.

They're a way of saying goodbye, and giving support and comfort to each other while in grief and possibly shock.

If it's clear cut for you, that's great, you wouldn't struggle with this decision. But, it's not so clear cut for others. Missing a parents funeral is a big deal (as is missing the birth of your child).

It's clearly "her". She's obviously tried to be ambigious but then slipped up.

Is your MIL still alive and does she have other family members there to support her?

I was widowed during lockdown. I'd have been fine if I'd had immediate family with me, but I didn't. DH's children and adult grandchild would have had to take a flight of about 90 mins each way plus an hour's drive on top.

5hrs each way sounds much more daunting.

I wanted to be neutral in the OP because I didn't want the responses to focus on my sexuality instead of the situation. Yes I didn't catch I'd used a her until after I posted.

I think your partner should go to the funeral. It's terrible circumstances but I think going is the right thing to do, and if I were in your shoes I'd be encouraging my partner to go (but come back as soon as possible!)

Of course she should go to her own father's funeral. These are exceptional circumstances; can you line up your mum/a sister a friend in case she isn't able to attend the birth? I personally think it sounds preferable to have a friend/sister/ mum as moral support during a birth anyway, I would hate my partner seeing me in that condition.

It doesn't matter some posters were just being picky, but i do think posters wouldn't have focused on your sexuality and would have answered the same.

Live streaming was better than nothing during covid but its not an alternative to being there, your partner should go unless there is some imminent risk both for herself and her family. Fly out the night before, back the next night and its not much over 24 hours. I would also make the family one of the earlier visits abroad when the baby is old enough as the funeral visit will be briefer than usual. Don’t underestimate the impact on your partner of facing a time which is normally joyful with the knowledge that your baby will never meet her grandfather - that is also hard.

Do you have any indication from midwife/obs that the baby is engaging and likely to drop early? First babies statistically tend to come late rather than early. Ideally have a back up person to join you anyway, emergencies happen even if your partner is in the country.

Births, deaths, baptisms/namings are all key family events and every culture has rituals around them for a reason. There will be no second funeral, there will be a lifetime with the new baby

Of course your DP should go. It’s his dad’s funeral! Unless there is a backstory and he isn’t close to his family

I’d be so upset if I missed my own father’s funeral. Send her and cope alone if she is not back in time. This is her Dad not a distant cousin.

Let your midwife know at your next check and see what they suggest - in a different thread about their husband choosing to go boozing in Ibiza whilst the wife was at 38wks someone had said that they were in a similar situation with their partner working in Rome and the midwife said someone would be there to support if it arose. They absolutely have to go to their Fathers funeral.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I think she should go the night before and then fly home on the evening of the funeral. She’ll be tired but I think it’ll be worth it for her.

Also, I reckon you need to find someone who’d be prepared to drop you at the hospital if you went into labour during those 30-odd hours, although they wouldn’t need to stay in the hospital with you of course. This would be as much for your wife’s peace of mind as yours.