Family funeral 5 hours away 38 weeks pregnant

[thechicks]

FIL has recently passed away. I will be 38 weeks pregnant on the funeral date, funeral is a 5 hour flight away. DP originally said no to travelling that close to my due date, their family are piling pressure on to be there. I am really torn between being ok with her going and being really not ok with it. DP's family are unlikely to react well if they tell them they aren't going. I'm totally torn on what to do.

Your dp should go to the funeral. If they don’t go they will definitely miss the funeral, but they most likely won’t miss the birth (if they’re only going for 24-48 hours).

She should go

I think it’s awful that your partner’s family has put her in the position of missing her dad’s funeral or missing the birth of her child. Funerals are often delayed by weeks or months for various reasons. The family should have been more considerate of your poor partner who is grieving while also about to become a parent.

If I were her, I’d take that as a hint that my presence wasn’t considered all that important and it would impact me actually wanting to go. Otherwise, if I really wanted to go, I’d fly in and out in 24 hours if I really had to. Though I might be inclined to come at another time when I could actually be a support to my extended family, maybe in a month or so, when all the support tends to disappear.

Can you get insurance to travel?

I wouldn't go.

Would they really be able to do it in two or three days? If so I think she should go, but she'll be exhausted and upset when she gets back. Will she want to take time off work at that point, knowing she'll be off work when you have your baby?

It is her dad yes she should go if she wants to do you have support near by?

This is a difficult one, I gave birth at 38 weeks after a relatively short labour for a first baby, if my partner had been 5 hours travel away they would have not been with me for most of it. But that is just my experience so not real hard evidence. What do you think your FIL would have wanted? I know that if it was my funeral I would want the living and especially the new life to be the prority.

Your partner should go.

Given how you live so far away, it's unlikely she was there with him at the end. If she misses the funeral as well, it's going to be even harder for her to begin processing the loss.

No matter what she says, no matter how fine she says she is about it...

Losing your father is a massive deal. I've had three rounds of grief counselling so far, and I'm a different person.

Encourage her to go. Encourage her to start grieving.

Everyone handles bereavement in their own way, but it's entirely possible that when the baby arrives, and she realise her father will never meet the baby and that the tsunami of grief will hit. You really don't want her to bury her feelings; you want her to start processing them, so she can be the best parent she can be, and not spend all her time holed up in a dark room sobbing. Funerals are a death ritual that help us start processing our feelings.

i had a baby with the father present and a baby when he wasn’t. The second was a more pleasant experience 😂

In all seriousness though, I would encourage him to go to the funeral. I know it’s not ideal given you being pregnant, but it is one of life’s important things and I fear he would deeply regret not going.

You will be fine. It used to be the norm for women to not have partners/ family with them when they gave birth and we survived, and had good birthing experiences. The key person in the Labour ward is the baby, not the mother, or father, or partners.. You could if you wanted pay for a doula to be with you for support, or ask a friend, but you honestly would be fine without.

The important thing is for your partner to say a proper goodbye to her father , she will be going through the process of grieving, and the funeral is a huge first step that she needs to do otherwise she is likely to have deep regrets later.

Of course meeting the new baby is important too, but meeting them for the first time a day later will still be a memorable and wonderful occasion, and with a following wind she could be there at the birth if the timing works.

I think think your partner should go as it's her father's funeral. She may struggle a lot with not having the closure and guilt at not being there.

Why not read the actual posts? OP is not going. This about her DP.

What a tricky situation. Is it possible for your dp to travel in the early morning, assuming that the funeral is in the afternoon, and come back the next day early - or even on the same day depending on flight availability. If it’s a morning time funeral then arrive the night before and leave directly after.

I can understand why you feel anxious about this, OP. I think your DP should go to the funeral if at all possible. Is the funeral near a location that has multiple UK flights every day?

If DP goes, you need to have a contingency plan of having someone available who can get you to the hospital and look after you if necessary.

If this was our family DP would go to the funeral. There are vanishingly few scenarios where that would be the answer, but this is one of them. (Both my babies came at 42 weeks after persuasion and I am older).

I wouldn't go, in your DPs shoes.
Ultimately it's her choice, but I couldn't leave you that pregnant with no support network and no way of getting back to you within an hour at most should you go into labour.

This is one circumstance where I would be ok with DH not being at the birth. This almost happened to us, we lost MIL 4 weeks before our first child was born, it was a terminal diagnosis that came only 9 days before she died so we put things in place for my friend to be my birthing partner etc should DH need to be elsewhere for whatever reason. DD was born at 38+1, when I was 35, a few days after the funeral.

I think you need to try and make peace with whatever decision your DP makes.

I think if she wants to go she should and agree with others that she’s unlikely to miss the birth… if that’s what they do in their family it’s understandable. However…

When I die I hope my kids don’t spend any extra money/time/effort on a funeral for me, I hope they have a celebratory meal at a time that suits them instead. I couldn’t be there when my father died and we were very close, it was awful but I know he felt the same. I remember him every day!

Think of it this way @thechicks , if it was your father in these circumstances, you wouldn't be able to travel or go. I was 26 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child when my father died so was able to attend his funeral - 50 minute flight to Belfast. If I'd been 38 weeks there's no way I could or crucially would have have attended.

Well said 🙌🙌

You need to stay home and your partner needs to be at their father's funeral. If it was a cousin or uncle he could miss it but not miss a parents funeral.

Their father died. It's not like the other thread about going to a stag night. They should go but not stay long.

I was an ‘old’ mother and I wasn’t early, my other older friends were all late by a week , so this has surprised me.

Such a tricky situation.
I’d lean towards telling her to go but getting the earliest flight back. Her family will just have to get over it.
It’s unlikely to happen over those precise 2 days but not impossible. If it’s your first it ought to take longer than if it’s a subsequent birth but I think that’s probably anecdotal, my mums first came in 30 minutes 🫠

It’s her Dad’s funeral, I think if she wants to go I would let her go. Funerals are so important for closure, I’d say missing a parent’s funeral is more of a big deal than possibly missing your child’s birth, although obviously it depends on their relationship. Ultimately I think it should be her decision though, nothing to do with how you or her family feel, it should be her own choice to make based on how she feels, not how anybody else does. Don’t put pressure on her either way, she needs to do what feels right for her in response to losing her dad.