Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

As a foreigner living in England I can't say I have noticed any especial ingrained self-loathing or humility from the English.😀 (jokes jokes, but you seem definitely sure of yourselves and your place in the world.)

I had to smile a bit at the poster above who said she was shocked on moving to Oz to learn that that the English were so much more open-minded than Australians, and in the same post seemed cross that trans rights are more universally recognised in Aus. I think it's just easier to accept that the cultures are quite different at this point, as you'd expect.

Oh gosh - what an awful situation!!

OP I’m starting to think you should move back.

It’s not so much that you haven’t given it enough time, it’s that you’re on the other side of the world, financially dependent on a man who is now not thinking in family terms.

Could the child who's unhappy be picking up on YOUR unhappiness rather than their own? Could you get a part time job so that you're not stuck in the house? My nephew and his wife and children left for Oz 15 years ago and have never looked back. Please give it a little longer for your children's sake, they need a dad.

@mummaAusUk come back home. If you give it another year or 2 and are still unhappy then you’ll start to resent your dp.

So then what happens if you split up over there. You’re dc are now settled your dp won’t let them come back - you’re then stuck in Oz as a single parent with Aussie dc who want to stay and there’ll never be the chance to come back home.

Obviously this is worst case scenario if you stay but it’s still a possibility.

Totally but she needs to show permission to the airline and potentially customs or they won’t let her leave.

100%. Living in the UK is hard as a foreigner even after decades. It the same for every expat.

And yeah I’ve been told to ‘go home’ here too.

Oh OP - this sounds so familiar. I’ve been in Australia for 9 years now but the first year or so really was struggle street for me. I missed everything and everyone and I think I cried 10 times a day.
What state are you in?
I don’t want to try to change your mind but if you wanted a coffee if by chance we are in the same state, I’m so happy to offer support.

But surely the job is qualifying him to earn more for the family. Men see family in terms of support, of getting a good lifestyle for them. That's important. You did not say in your original post that your DP was training - this is germane to your problem, however. Can you not manage three years?

Perhaps your DP would undertand better if you could explain what it is you dislike so much about Australia.
I do sympathise btw. It was suggested at one point in my first marriage that we move to another continent. I spent a month there visiting family and was pretty sure I could not bear to live there! As it happened we divorced instead but I would have stuck to my guns re not moving - even though we could have bought a much larger house etc. and the whole idea seemed romantic!

I have a relative stuck in Aus post divorce as she can't bring her kids back to the UK. She has no one but her children over there.

His hugely selfish reaction whilst a shock, is a bit of a golden ticket tbh and I'd take it and go home. Be with your wider family and see what happens in terms of your relationship.

I think he either doesn't care and is deeply selfish - who would be happy for their kids to be on the opposite side of the globe?! Or he's thinking he's calling your bluff and you'd never leave without him. Either option shows him up as very selfish and callous.

Thanks for answering my question.

I think you need to analyze this in more detail. I don't mean here on MN, I mean at home, in peace and quiet, maybe with a pen and paper.

You're unhappy more than you are happy, connections are hard to make and family is far away. Ok. But why? What exactly is it that is making you unhappy? Why are the connections hard to make? Is it because you are a SAHM? Are the people unfriendly at your children's school so it's difficult to get to know other mums?
How old are the children? Lots of people have asked you that and you haven't answered the question for some reason.
Would you feel happier if you went back to work part time?

Would a move to another city or state help? Lots of people have asked where you are and you haven't answered, perhaps to protect your privacy, but I think it might help as others have experience of Australia and what different areas are like.

There's not much that can be done about your family being far away and that seems to be a major stumbling block obviously. But assume for one moment, that you decide to stay in Australia, (it's a thought experiment so don't immediately think "but I don't want to stay), what could you do to increase contact with family members? For example I used to play online games with family members with a chat function and that was a lot of fun.

You mention that you aren't happy with the education system in another post. Again, why? And how old are the children!! Is there anything you could change, such as moving the children to another school, getting tutors? Someone here might be able to help.

I've written a lot of questions here and don't expect any answers but I think you do need to go into more detail in your own head about what's wrong rather than the blanket "Don't like it, family's far away, want to go home" mode of thinking you are currently in.

Wish you all the best OP.

I moved back to the UK after living overseas and have to say I hated it for the first 3 years back. But I had to stay because this was the only option. 15 years on it is much better, but it was a massive adjustment and it took a long time. I dont think a year is very long and if I had a choice, i would still live overseas.

Staying one more year is a BIG gamble as the window to leave that you currently have will probably close.

Don’t forget exile is a longstanding form
of punishment.

Migration is all well and good, and humans have always migrated like you, but it should be a choice.

And family, friends, community, roots and belonging are more important - it’s hard for migrants to find those things again once they sail away from them. That’s why some migrants try to bring their extended families to join them.

I write from personal experience. If I were you I would run home now and hope he follows you.

We had neighbours who moved with 3 children. Eldest child hated it and returned to England virtually immediately at 16 to live with grandparents. Dad struggled to pass electrical qualification he needed to work there and she worked all hours as nurse whereas in England she was pt and he was main earner. They split and she stayed with youngest and a new bf. Eldest 2 kids in England. Dad came back to England and died soon after. Was all very sad. I wouldn’t want to be separated from teen children.

My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit.

OP, he's telling you right there.....

He resents you for spoiling his dreams. Not your (collective) dreams, just his.
You and your children are not his priority.
*He actually told you to come back under the pretence that he'll visit. That certainly won't be EOW.
*He has proposed living on the other side of the world to his children rather than leave Oz and his fab new life.
*His 'just a bit longer' crumb trail will lead nowhere. I don't think he intends to return.

Sorry OP, this is awful ❤

I know this is not helpful, but I can't fathom - for one second - why people pack up their whole lives in the UK/Europe, and move to the other side of the world. I am very likely to never leave the UK, (to live) and if I did, I would never go to Australia... And if I DID go, (which is extremely unlikely,) I would only go, if I had no-one here who meant anything to me.

You're legitimately leaving everything you know and love. Your past, your family, your friends, your neighbours, and it's soooooo far away... Basically, it's impossible to keep your connection with people when you're 10,000 miles away. It's so expensive to travel there and back too, and you have to spend at least 2 weeks there. It takes 3 days to recover from the jet lag.

Sorry @mummaAusUk I know I'm not much help. Seriously, as some posters have said, you need to go back to the UK, and take your children with you. Your husband is remarkably selfish and thoughtless.

Having lived abroad, I agree with PPs that it takes more than a year to even begin to feel settled (and that was with me working, I'd imagine it's much harder as a sahm). So I think a mistake you both made was to agree to see how you felt after only a year - 2 years would have been more realistic.

Having said that, I always thought I'd move to Australia in my 20s and it didn't happen. At that age, I was single and free to do as I pleased. Now 20 years later with a partner and child there's no way I'd consider it for the very reason you're describing - potentially getting trapped.

But given you're there, I can see the advantages of you all staying a further couple of years with an agreed end date - your partner could complete his training, you could hopefully enjoy the time and experiences you can have there, knowing it's not forever. The big risk though, even if your partner is fully on board with that idea, is that your children will feel settled by then and wont want to move back.

I worked with a guy who moved to Australia (from the UK) with his wife and daughter. His wife said she was unhappy and wanted to go back home. So they packed up their life and moved back to the UK. They were living in the UK and his wife realised how shit it was over there and wanted to move back to Australia. They were renting a little unit and the cost of moving back to the UK and then going back to Australia was really expensive.

Is there a chance that you would be miserable back in the UK?

That is so sad.

They had a big Australia themed party to say goodbye inviting all the friends and neighbours and were all so excited and it just went sour so quickly.

ok so you went to Australia for an adventure with the intention of staying there if you liked it. I don’t know how you were willing to move to the other side if the world if seeing your birth family regularly was important to you.
if you want to give it a proper go, try and get a job there. It will help you settle better.

OP, can I ask a few questions:

1. Is there scope for you to get a part time job so you can have some sort of a life outside of the home and kids?
2. Which state are you in?
3. How often and for how long could you head back to the UK each year? I.e. could you spend the summer holidays back in the UK for a few weeks to try and get your fill of family? If you see this move as temporary, heading back for good blocks of time might be a good solution
4. What hobbies/groups have you tried out so far? Meeting expats would likely be your best bet.

I can see both points of view to be honest. It was a massive massive move, i can see you're homesick and that he has just landed this career he loves and doesn't want to give up.

Yes, and my original post was more for OP to relax, as she's coming over as feeling stuck and not in control.
Maybe with the letter of consent, she may relax.
I'm not talking about anything legal at this stage.
And I also think he's bluffing, he's probably going down my path, give her something to stop her feeling trapped, and maybe she will relax and then get to enjoy.

Hello, @mummaAusUk.

I moved to Australia nearly twenty years ago. We moved for my late DH's job and I was 100% behind it. The homesickness was horrendous. One year is not long, a bit soon for a review and having a job would help.

Best of luck.

They are my family you are right. And I do say to him that they are enough and what matters but unfortunately he works alot and sometimes works away and unfortunately my little one is very young and I really need support from other family. It's very isolating here alone and I am a family person and my children thrive around family too

This seems to be many people's opinions and I'm always questioning why also. Being here I see the outdoors side of it but it's still just another place