Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

Where are you OP? Maybe some locals can connect.

If your kids are very little the truth is they will thrive among any group
of people who pay them attention.

What things have you tried to integrate more with people who might in time become like family in Australia?

He could easily find work back home he just loves the job here. I've thought of a plan B and research multiple training courses he could complete back home but he is very negative about it

I think your mind is already made up and you are not prepared to stay .

I think this answer is correct, I think all you want is to go home.
Nothing wrong with that. Good luck and let us know what you' decide.

Hi sorry I seemed to get alot of replies which is great but hard to read through. Yes obviously I don't want to give too many details but my children are 8 and 1.5 yrs.

I have made friends but none that are solid and I am a SAHM. I can't work yet due to no family and support and I'm not willing to put in childcare. We agreed this before I came as my DH is also not keen.

The education isnt on the same level curriculum wise and also the style of teaching is very different. My little one misses family and friends massively. We do go on play dates and have made a huge effort. More so than Im usually comfortable with. I just feel in my heart this isn't for me. I have family who are unable to travel here and I know seeing them would be far and few. I can appreciate it here. The sun and the chilled vibes and the outdoors. I'm not oblivious to that. I just don't think it's enough to sacrifice family. My partner isn't a massive family person outside our little bubble so he doesn't feel it the same

The life your dh is living is vastly different to yours. He has social interaction, mental activity and 40 hours of fulfilling effort. He doesn’t get to project all that onto your life.

Put your dc into child care one or two days per week - find someone who does in home care if you can - and get child free time so you can build your own life. Your life has a gaping, hurting hole in it which you are currently unable to try to make smaller.

I’d leave. Even on the simple basis your dh has put himself first even before his own child. Your dd sounds completely miserable. You both sound home sick, I would go whilst he is still agreeable to you leaving with dc.

Whst kind of man puts his own lifestyle before a one year old baby??? I don’t think I could get past that alone.

Go home op. He isn’t worth it,

Leave him. He has chosen Australia over his family. If he is happy to do that and you don’t leave he’ll likely leave you anyway. Because that is not something someone in love says.

im really sorry op 😕

given what you said about your character and your family, what made you agree to move to the other side of the workd?

I'm not sure if he was calling my bluff or hoping I'd go home and come back. I don't know he's usually very family orientated. Which Is why it shocked me as it was a very cold response. Thank you for replying with advice

It's something we had always talked about prior to kids and afterwards and we just decided to give it a go. I never imagined I'd feel this way. I honestly didn't. Now I'm here I realise I was very naive towards my feelings. None of us knew how we would feel or cope though. It was a chance we took. But also I never imagined it would be like this. I don't love where I am and we have little chance to travel with my partners job so it's pretty much normal life but here instead

You don’t like where you live. You decided before you left you would be a stay a him mum because you did not want to use childcare - making working for you out of question and isolating yourself.

In your mind before you left - what did you imagine as life for yourself - and what was your plan to get it?

A year is definately not enough especially since your youngest was six months old and you have not wanted to leave your kids with childcare who are not family. I bet you are missing your family but I can imagine you are also missing your family as childcare. You talk about going back to England for family support.

If you do decide to stay I think it’s really important you sort out childcare. Hire someone and be in the home with then until you feel you can trust them alone with your kids.

I wonder if having a very small child simply exacerbates the feelings of isolation OP. I know when my two were small I felt isolated wherever we lived - near or far from family.

The early years of childhood as you know can be a strain on relationships, sleep, friendships, independence.

Can you imagine a scenario when your youngest is 4 and going to school every day, what would you do with those days, in Australia? Is that something you've thought through. It might be worth doing because its finding a path out of your unhappiness which doesn't include leaving for the UK.

If you can't mentally find that path, no matter what, then really I repeat what I said before on this thread (lost in the masses of comments) that you should likely go soon.

I’d be worried that your relationship won’t last either way, so you might as well go home now - he is prepared to let you go and you are living very different lives. Him busy, lots of colleagues and you homesick and bored. He already isn’t putting you first. If you leave and he doesn’t follow it tells you that you have done the right thing!

Yes - hate to say it, but what if he has an affair especially with all the work travel. The marriage could end in divorce anyway but OP may still be stuck in Australia forever if her husband won’t give her permission to leave.

Your attitude to childcare is holding you back OP. It sounds to me like you are not trying to make changes which may make things better and keep your family together.

unfortunately my little one is very young and I really need support from other family. It's very isolating here alone and I am a family person and my children thrive around family too

In which case it's really hard to understand why you left at all.

Do you really need support or is it that you were used to having it?

@mummaAusUk, my concern is that you are in a very vulnerable position.

Have you worked out the practicalities of what would happen if you stayed in Australia and he decided to leave the relationship?

You are not married. You do not have a job. He can stop you from leaving Australia with the children.

Have you worked out the practicalities of returning to the UK as a single parent?

Where will you live in the UK? Do you have a home? Will you be able to find a job? Will you be able to earn enough to support your family? Can you rely on your partner to pay child maintenance?

You say that you are not willing to put your children into childcare, but will this remain an option if you move back to the UK on your own?

If you aren’t married and you split up are you entitled to stay in Aus?

If the relationship ends, it’s unlikely that OP’s visa will be cancelled, as she has parental responsibility for a child from the relationship.

Its difficult for Mums I think .Often Dads are working and Mums miss their families a lot. If you came back home how would you manage .Would you be able to work? How close to your family would you be, could you see them each day /they babysit.Did your DH say it in the heat of the moment do you think.As far as your child goes .were they happy at School here .or have they just started School.I think its a risk .If you can do another 6 months ,maybe see if there are any groups to join .If you work can you maybe make friends there .Can your family visit at all.

Unfortunately, that's a bit of simplification. Depending on what kind of visa it is, she would likely need to apply for her own new visa or to leave the country.

https://immi.homeaffairs.gov.au/change-in-situation/relationship-ended

She doesn't need to be on the blower to the DHA over an argument with her husband, but she needs to be very careful - and honest with authorities - about her next steps. Legal advice needed as the area is a minefield. If her children are Aussie citizens or not also makes a difference.

If we came back home I could work part time around my partner or my mum would help out. My family id probably see my mum a few times a week and my little one usually stays over night every other week. So I do get some support etc. I think he's hoping I'm won't go. He said he can't find a job like this back home and all his hobbies are here. I feel in a terrible position but I just don't think I can take the chance given everyone's comments. My little one prefers school back home but he's not hating school here as such just found it hard initially. My parents have already visited but it would probably be every other year. Same with his family.

no my visa wouldn't be an issue.