Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

Are you an Australian lawyer? Does this have any weight? I highly doubt it.

My son and DIL are living in Australia. They decided to give it two years and then make a final decision. They have already decided that they will come back next year.
Their jobs are very good and they love the outdoor lifestyle. But...they really miss their friends, family and general banter.
Nearly all their friends are British or European as they find it very difficult to make Ausi friends.
In your situation I would come home. If your DH is will to put his job ahead of you and his kids, it shows where his priorities lie and if you give it 3 years, it will be too late.
One of my friends is desperate to come home having been there for 15 years but won't leave her kids.

My instinct is to give it more time.

BUT, the big risk there is that a year for you, as an adult, will probably pass quite quickly. In contrast do you remember how long a year felt when you were a child? I’d be concerned that in a year’s time both children will have properly settled.

I really feel for you.

Just a thought, are you?

I've left to go to another country before and had to have a written letter saying that my son's dad was ok with him leaving with me.
Without it they think your kidnapping.

Just to give another perspective, I’ve moved countries a few times for my DH job - inclusive of 2 kids. Some of those have taken me 18 months to 2 years to settle. What are you doing to meet people and settle - do you have a job? I would give it longer - home sickness can last quite a long time and feeling at home somewhere new can take longer than you think.

It often takes a year or more to settle in somewhere new. But, if the main reason you're not happy is that you're so far from family, and your family aren't going to move to Australia, then I don't see how giving it more time will help. It might just make leaving more difficult for your kids.

Honestly, if your partner is currently agreeing to let you move back to the UK, I would probably take this chance rather than risk your kids being trapped in Australia because their father won't give them permission to leave. Do you have anything in writing that he's agreed to let them move back to the UK (to live, not just for a holiday), even if it's just an email or text message? If not, might you be able to get something? The last thing you want is a legal dispute, if your partner changes his mind. But I think you need proper legal advice to check what you need to do.

CBeebies Katy Ashworth revealed as presenter accused of kidnapping her own child | IBTimes UK

I would leave, as soon as possible.

You're unhappy, one of your kids is unhappy, the other one was presumably happy in the UK so will be Ok in either place.

Your DH has told you to take the kids and go back if you want to, which suggests to me your relationship isn’t as strong as you thought.

You don’t say how old the kids are, but the longer you stay, the more they'll see Australia as home. I have friends who took their primary age kids to America, intending to stay for about 5 years for work. 5 years later and their kids are teens now, they’re basically American, and the Uk means nothing to them. So the parents are stuck there. My Mum had a friend who went to Australia with young kids, came back some years later, but one by one as the kids turned 18 they went back to Australia, because to them it was home.

You had a deal with your husband to try it for a year, and he’s gone back on that deal.

I often read threads on here about how awful the UK is, and how lots of people want to emigrate. People seem to imagine that all their problems will disappear in another country, but often what happens is the problems are still there, but the support network is gone.

@mummaAusUk do your kids realise you are unhappy or have you put on a brave face for them while being privately unhappy?

A year is no time to settle in to a new country. It takes at least 2 years to start feeling fully settled. Going back to the UK so soon wouldn’t have been a good idea either.
We did it for 10 years, and in the end I still felt my heart was in 2 places. It’s hard, there are the folk who arrive and never look back, and then those who spend the years questioning if they are in the right place.

I felt more settled once my children were happy and settled and had made a bit of history with friends. Also it was lovely when people came to visit as we often had more quality time in the weeks we spent with them than what we would have had in a year back home.

Think about all the reasons you made the move in the first place, and you might have a mind shift.
i wish you luck - it’s never easy, when you both want different things. I saw it time and time again.

We've lived in quite a few different countries but I knew within a few months that New Zealand was not somewhere I wanted to live for long, despite having family there and visiting many times previously. It was a huge disappointment. I felt completely different living in Australia but sometimes, you just know. There's no point sticking it out and making yourself miserable.

Move back quickly before he changes his mind and you're trapped there until the kids grow up!

OP, I feel for you. I lived for several years in Australia, loved it and was prepared to stay permanently, though in the end I came home for family reasons.

But it wasn’t as easy as I’d expected. I had a mental image of Australians as open-minded easy-going people that I’d fit right in with. Of course that’s a fantasy world: I made some good friends, but also met some coldness and even hostility.

In many ways it’s harsher than England. There’s a more abrasive culture, and I found people could be quite rude to each other. Also some dislike of English people.

I found it far more openly sexist than was acceptable in the UK. Since I left, the transgender movement (which didn’t exist back then) has cut a swathe through women’s rights; though that has also happened in the UK and around the world, women are fighting back powerfully here and regaining many rights. I haven’t seen that level of successful resistance happening in Australia.
If you have daughters, that’s something to think about.

If you were single and childless, I would agree with many PP that you might change your mind if you gave it a couple of years. But not with children to consider. Even if one child is happy in Australia, they need a happy mother and you are not happy.

Your partner accepts your leaving with the children. You’d be safest doing it now before he changes his mind.

If OP is seriously thinking of returning to the UK with DC, I don’t know if I would start trying to get something in writing from DP: Isn’t that going to clue him up to the fact that she might not return and is thinking about the law? At the moment, it’s a case of his word against hers as to her staying or returning. At the moment the children are British citizens, so if they are in the UK with their mother, I can’t see DP having a leg to stand on.

It’s common practise and known worldwide a letter is fine but if you can’t get it then a court order is the way to go.

So legally you are right (and basically any expat knows this)
No, a British parent cannot typically take their children out of Australia without the permission of their husband (or the other parent with parental responsibility) or a court order. Taking a child out of the country without proper consent can be considered child abduction.

Here's why and what steps might be needed:
Parental Responsibility and Consent:
In Australia, both parents generally share parental responsibility for their children, meaning they both have the right to make decisions about the child's upbringing, including where they live and travel.

If one parent wants to take a child out of the country, they usually need the consent of the other parent who shares parental responsibility.

If consent isn't given, the parent seeking to take the child abroad must apply to the court for permission.

Yeah it doesn’t work like that and can be classed as child abduction. Doesn’t matter of both parents and children are British it’s the law of the land and Oz doesnt allow one parent to take children out of the country without permission from the other.

I reckon he's just bluffing. He knows you won't take the children away from him.

How often are you in communication with everyone at home?

Can you make it a monthly video night, have some board games, quiz nights - a bit like during covid, where families came together on video, help you feel closer to everyone?

I might have missed it, but how old are your children. Only thinking in terms of friendships they are building and how settled they will be in another year. Then if you are still unhappy but they are I would imagine it would impossible to come back to UK

@LeftieRightsHoarder Do you know the OP would be happier in the UK? What if both the children are desperately unhappy at the idea of being without their daddy. It's not going to be easy for her raising two children, essentially alone. There's no guarantees her family will step up and even if they did it will be no substitute for their father.

How old are your children OP? I strongly suspect they are young and this combined with being a sahm is clouding your judgement. You really owe it to your family to try harder at settling in. Get a job. Give it time. If after actively trying to settle you find you haven't then nobody could blame you for going.

It always surprises me when I read about people disliking Australia and wanting to return to the UK. We're brought up to think of Australia as a kind of paradise – brighter, sunnier, less crowded, bigger houses, better quality of life, etc. I suppose part of it is that we're taught to hate Britain (I honestly don't think there is another country in the world with such ingrained self-loathing as the UK – especially England).

But OP’s DP is allowing her to leave with the DC: my point is if he reneged after the event, it would be his word against hers.

I think if you moved back you would massively miss your husband and so would your kids, so really would you be as happy as you imagine? Can you support your children, find a job and afford a house alone? He will pay maintenance but there will be a lot of expenses that you now don’t have. How much will you see of your kids working full time and being a single parent? You aren’t thinking things through.

Get him to put in writing that he is happy for you to take the kids back to the UK, with him visiting. Take legal advice on what would be sufficient to satisfy the Hague Convention so that it is compliant, then get him to write a letter allowing you to take them back with you.

If he does this then you and the kids go back.

Can you work over there, OP? I think being a SAHM is making a challenging situation harder - and it’s a clear imbalance between you and your DH.