Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

Obviously I can’t say if you’ll end up loving it there but we moved abroad from the UK and no doubt about it the first 18 months to 2 years were miserable for me, we stuck it out because it was such a big move and just felt after all the effort of moving it was worth giving it our best shot. Our kids are now really settled here with school and friends etc so to move back now would be massively unsettling for them, I would love to move back but I’m also ok here if that makes sense, I think knowing my kids are happy makes me happy. We will stay here now until the kids are old enough to decide where they want to be for uni etc which will be a few more years. So yeah, the longer you stay the more there will become home and life for your kids but if they are settled it might make you feel happier…

Australia is beautiful and most people can have a great quality of life. One year is not enough to settle, it's at least 2-3 years to feel like it's home. It takes time to build friendship and your network.

Of course the biggest issue is having the family so far away, but you knew that when you agreed to come here.

I'd give it 3 years for your DH to qualify on his training and you will know that you gave it your ultimate best to make it work. If at the end, he doesn't want to go back to UK then you go back with your children but knowing that you did your best to keep your family together.

What can make your life in Australia easier? If your children are small find mom groups, get into hobbies, find a UK community within your area, etc.

I moved w partner & 4 kids when I didn’t want to, to Asia country w loads expats.

Ive met miserable mums. I could have been one.

You have control of your feelings and thoughts.

You can decide you can survive and thrive. For 3 yrs…. Easy.

only you can make yourself happy & you can change your mindset very easily.

its on you.

Honestly the martyrs on here demanding you think about your husbands job or blaming you if he becomes an absent father. They had an agreement which he is reneging on. Any negative outcome for his children is on him, stop making women sacrifice themselves to mop up men's selfishness. OP gets one life. The best thing she can do for herself is get back to the UK with her kids while she is able to. This man has proven he cannot be trusted to stick to his word so why trust he'll be reasonable in another year? I would suggest going quickly without giving him time or room to begin legal processes around it. You can work out what to do about your marriage long distance but too many women have become trapped thousands of miles from home because they are waiting it out for their husbands to become reasonable.

I would encourage you to seek input from those who have been in the same situation, i.e. people who have actually emigrated themselves (successfully or unsuccessfully). Anecdotal perspectives are unlikely to be helpful and will be very biased. Someone who has never left the country will never understand what it's like.

Well he's told you quite clearly that you and the children are not his priority ( or even his interest at all).

The longer you leave it, the worse it will be both for you (now you know how low you and the children (particularly educationally) are in his list of priorities. If indeed you feature at all.)

Say you will go for a holiday to see family and to see whether in reality he's right you'd rather be in Australia.You feel you may appreciate Australia more when the reality of England and its problems hit you again'.

You may just keep extending the stay until it becomes a fait accompli but without there being a family bust up as such. He can of course visit as much as he wants/can, or more probably he will have widened his 'interests' in Australia and be happy for you to stay away.

So what was the initial timeline, OP? You mention 3 years—did you say you’d stay until the qualification was achieved, then re-assess? Or was it a different timeline for re-assessment?

Once you’ve reached that timeline and he says that he’s staying, and that you can take the kids back if you want to—you have your answer.

But only if he is still willing to let her take the children. He has already gone back on his promise that they would leave after a year if she wasn't happy
It's a huge risk to move countries when you have children as it's always possible you will be stuck somewhere you don't like as the other partner won't agree to the children leaving.

You need to move before your kids get too settled.

Have not RTFT but there is a Facebook group Ping Pong Poms with many people in this situation, or who’ve been in this situation. Lots of first hand accounts which can be helpful.

He's showing you what his priorities are. He's willing to put his job first before his wife and child's happiness and mental health. I'd make plans to come back with the children while they are young enough. It's going to be a bigger upheaval with school and their friends if you hold out for 3 years. What's to say your OH will Keep saying to give it another year? 2 years after that?

Maybe he thinks you won’t actually leave him to go home?
Close friends moved to New Zealand, one of them love it and settled straight away, the other didn’t. They had said they would try it for a year and return if either of them wanted to come back but when it came down to it the one that was happy wouldn’t leave.
It broke up their family, one of their children also wanted to come home so left with one parent and the other 2 children wanted to stay so remained with the other parent.
They have both since met new partners and the children seem happy, although they don’t see much of the non resident parent due to the distances they have to travel.
Personally I would take the children at come home, he may follow you once he realises you are serious on moving back but I think he will probably stay and visits will be few and far between.
Life is too short to be stuck somewhere you don’t like, it sounds very isolating.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

OP, will you be happy to live as a single mum in the UK?

Will you be able to find a well-paying job?
Will your partner pay child maintenance?
Will you afford the lifestyle you want?
Will you be able to afford to buy a home near family?

The biggest concern here is that he would rather stay in Oz on his own than return to the Uk with his family.

It tells you everything you need to know about the future longevity of your marriage.
Do what’s right for you OP.
Your husband won’t put you first

I feel for your partner.

Poor bloke is working in another country to put food on table, clothes on you/kids and a roof over everyones head and this is the "thanks" he gets.

On the flip side, if he is agreeing to let you/kids return home, then you should.

I can understand (and agree) why he said it.

Nothing against you at all OP, but in this situation, I feel for your other half more because he's the one doing all the hard(er) work here - because if he doesnt, the Aussies will not think twice about ousting people that dont live/work in the country.

It's hard moving countries even when the language is the same.
It isn't clear what is actually going on or what you and your partner agreed to start with.
Sounds like you miss family- understood. Covid separations were hard to bear, and it's not called "the tyranny of distance " for nothing.
I suggest you put up with it. Get your diary out and make plans. Visit the rest of the country, and see NZ too. Learn a new skill. Don't hide behind "moving the little ones about" as they have to fit in with your plans, and they will probably adapt better than you are!
When DP has done his training, pull the atlas out and pick somewhere else to live!

I agree with this.

A year really isn't long at all to be honest and I say that as an emigrant. I do think you should give it longer. Plus the kids may be picking up on your feelings rather than it coming entirely from them.

This

If he’s adamant he is staying 3 years is it worth considering agreeing to stay till say end of next year then leaving and it won’t be that long until he (hopefully) comes home.

Moving to a different country is really difficult and more expats will tell you it takes years to Seles. Your feelings are normal but my advice would be..

1. if you are then stop comparing everything to back home. Mindset needs to change.
2. Make expat friends - join an expat community - Facebook has many
3. Don’t speak negatively about being in Oz in front of your children - they don’t need to mirror your feelings
4. A year is a very short amount of time - you need time to adjust and settle
5. Yiu can’t just take your kids home. You will need permission from your husband (official letter) or court order
6. Perfectly normal to miss family and friends but is that more important that breaking up your family. Sorry but it kinda comes down to that.

I’ve been there and it’s hard but maybe you didn’t think this through fully or thought it would all be fine? Give yourself time to grieve your old life and then move on. Don’t stay in the negative space of not being at home. Good luck.

I’d be bringing the kids home , I’m sorry @mummaAusUk but for your partner to say for you to leave and take the children says it all for me , what type of man puts a job / location above his children ?

I have four cousins in Adelaide - they’re not super wealthy but all their children went to fee-paying schools - it just seemed to be what everyone did. There seemed to be an opinion that state schools were just no good, which surprised me.

I would as DH, to write a letter now confirming that he will let you leave with the kids after another year. This then is that guarantee that you need and it might actually make you relax and even enjoy it

How old are your DC?