Page 26 | Moved to Aus from the Uk

mummaAusUk · 2025-07-31T10:26:21+00:00

Hi, I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family. I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

Crikeyalmighty · 03/08/2025 23:13

@Lushvegetation that’s exactly what I was going to post . People who have tended to move round a fair bit, often been to college/uni away from home and start jobs where they aren’t from o feel are more open to taking a punt on moves generally - be they domestic or international - if I go back to my home town in the midlands- few went to Uni back in the late 70s , everyone married’local lads’ - and most still have all their friend and family connections locally - in some ways whilst I think it wouldn’t be for me - in many other ways I envy them that long term connection with their history and friends and the fact they are content with what they know - my H has one of the biggest cases of wanderlust/whataboutery I have ever known and I put it down to his parents ex pat /international moving around corporate lifestyle . It’s certainly made it hard on me on ever feeling like anywhere was really home in 30 years .

Crikeyalmighty · 03/08/2025 23:17

@mummaAusUk my friend lives out in Oz and says to her it feels like lots of Florida-

ItIsFoggy · 03/08/2025 23:21

mummaAusUk · 03/08/2025 23:08

It's pretty much still the same.. it's very beautiful but also very bland. It's always warm which nice but the days are the same as being anywhere.. school, work, eat, clean, sleep. Beach days are beautiful but they get boring. It's definitely like being on a permanent holiday (that isn't because I'm not working) life here feels like it's paused and I'm on a strange new planet. I know the area and I have friends so it isn't the newness. It's just not the life I enjoy. It is very average. If it wasn't warm no way would people be drawn to Australia.

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I think, if you think it's bland, you haven't had much chance to experience much of it. Your children's ages won't help with that, as it's much harder to do things with such young kids.

We're very into nature and the landscapes when you get into the more isolated areas are amazing. By contrast, we find England very bland as far as the natural environment and landscapes go. We do love the long history of the UK, but Australia also has a history that long precedes European settlement, and that history is very long and rich.

There's a lot more to Australia than it being warm. I don't think you've experienced enough of it to see that yet (and I'm not into beaches much either). Of course, it might not compensate for the missing place of family for you, but that is a different issue.

pourmeadrinkpls · 03/08/2025 23:30

ItIsFoggy · 03/08/2025 23:21

I think, if you think it's bland, you haven't had much chance to experience much of it. Your children's ages won't help with that, as it's much harder to do things with such young kids.

We're very into nature and the landscapes when you get into the more isolated areas are amazing. By contrast, we find England very bland as far as the natural environment and landscapes go. We do love the long history of the UK, but Australia also has a history that long precedes European settlement, and that history is very long and rich.

There's a lot more to Australia than it being warm. I don't think you've experienced enough of it to see that yet (and I'm not into beaches much either). Of course, it might not compensate for the missing place of family for you, but that is a different issue.

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I agree. I think you've decided you don't want to be there, so probably stop wasting everyone's time and move back to the UK.

Urgenthelplease · 03/08/2025 23:41

I also disagree its bland, I think that's a really ignorant comment. As is saying if it wasn't sunny people wouldn't move here. Seeing 300k people marching across the bridge yesterday in support of Gaza in the torrential rain was extremely moving. Aussies fundamentally have a very caring and warm spirit and the country is absolutely incredible in terms of variance. I

In my first year here I visited every state except the NT and they all have a different feel. Beach days get boring? Being on holiday all the time is tedious. Okay then.. like I said, its fine to miss family and prefer England but you don't need to insult an entire country in the process. As you're still refusing to say where you live I'm bowing out.

daleylama · 04/08/2025 00:01

mummaAusUk · 03/08/2025 23:08

It's pretty much still the same.. it's very beautiful but also very bland. It's always warm which nice but the days are the same as being anywhere.. school, work, eat, clean, sleep. Beach days are beautiful but they get boring. It's definitely like being on a permanent holiday (that isn't because I'm not working) life here feels like it's paused and I'm on a strange new planet. I know the area and I have friends so it isn't the newness. It's just not the life I enjoy. It is very average. If it wasn't warm no way would people be drawn to Australia.

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I think you need to tell us which part of Australia you are talking about -this is a very inaccurate, overly generalised description of a very big country with many cultural ,lifestyle and weather differences between cities and states.

InWalksBarberalla · 04/08/2025 00:04

There's really no need to insult an entire country because you miss your family. I'd imagine day to day life is pretty much the same wherever you live if you have jobs and young children - I'm not sure why you expected otherwise. It sounds like extended family has always been important- what were you hoping to gain in a far flung country that would make up for the loss of that closeness?

daleylama · 04/08/2025 00:05

Crikeyalmighty · 03/08/2025 23:17

@mummaAusUk my friend lives out in Oz and says to her it feels like lots of Florida-

Akin to saying 'my friend lives in America and its very like Scotland' (Because..Massachusetts?)

daleylama · 04/08/2025 00:08

Nestingbirds · 03/08/2025 20:08

I was a person that ‘swanned off’ and disregarded those that loved me most, if I am honest I couldn’t leave quick enough.

I felt bored at home - looking back it was complacency, and a wish to experience so many different cultures and ways of life. To challenge what I ‘knew’ to exist in a different way.

Whilst I was doing that I missed what was right before me. The precious bonds that is finite with family and old friends. That they WON’T actually be there forever, happy to accept the annual breadcrumbs.

Now I am much older I can’t rewind what I have done. I can’t change the past. That said I am obviously more cultured, bilingual. On paper I am very interesting. I can’t change what is lost though. I do wonder if it was ever worth it.

I felt homesick for a solid 18 months before I realised it wasn’t going to pass. This time it was knawing at my soul. I recognise OP’s anguish, and fear. I know how hard it is to wake up every day and feel like you are in the wrong place. Towards the end I couldn’t even manage a hello to those around me. A depression of sorts descends.

I have realised since then that it’s quite common. Homesickness can make you very ill. It’s not a fleeting non issue. But something that can cause severe mental health problems.

Op should not force herself to endure years of this, and she certainly should be taking her dc’s feelings into consideration - especially dc, this can shape their foundation years. Children need to feel safe, they need to feel as if they belong. They need roots and a home. For secure attachment (and this is a hated term
amongst the more free wheeling ex pats) your child needs to be secure.

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Where has she mentioned anything about what their children feel about this? And seems you are making lots of assumptions about what all children need based on your experience.

ItIsFoggy · 04/08/2025 00:09

OP, I don't think you mean to insult a whole country. Maybe you're a bit depressed and at a low point, which is reflected in what you're saying, so I'm taking it with a grain of salt.

I don't know where you are but, if you can say which state, if it's where I am, maybe I can make some suggestions that will open Australia up to you more and show you a bit more of what is on offer? PM me if you prefer. I won't disclose it here.

A compromise might be for your DH to finish his training with an agreement that allows you to visit your family regularly. Meanwhile you make the most of being in Australia temporarily and explore while you have the chance (harder with young children, I know). This is assuming there is no equal program he can transfer to in the UK. You did agree on a year, but maybe the program can be seen out by meeting in the middle. At that stage, your children will still be young enough to adjust to a big move back without too much difficulty.

gishgalloping · 04/08/2025 00:25

Mini2025 · 03/08/2025 16:31

I visited Australia a long time ago now and thought it such an average place. Honestly, it felt a bit backward. I'm sure it's changed now but I couldn't understand how anyone would choose to go and live there for the long-term. I found just under a week was enough and I was ready to leave. I found it boring, especially after visiting Asia. It seemed very plain vanilla and dull.

Don't get me wrong, the UK is certainly not perfect and the weather is shit much of the time. But I could never see the draw of Australia. It had little charm and little interest to me. Little culture, so far away from everything, little history and a very macho kind of undercurrent that permeated everything. Crocodile Dundee felt just a little too close to home. I was happy to leave. I'd never have considered it as a place to bring up my kids.

If you want quality of life, think France, Spain, Italy, Austria, Switzerland etc - even Eastern Europe would be much much better. Here you get what you know as a European, with the great education and culture, etc.

DH, if necessary he can spend another 3 years there and come back. If that's what he wants. As you say his life hasn't changed much. He still goes to work every day.

I wonder if the kids were out at childcare every day and you were working full-time if you'd feel more happy though. I think just spinning your wheels every day at home makes you more introspective and less likely to focus on the good stuff. You're not really progressing in life as your kids are your focus at the moment and you're devoted to them. There's no doubt that that's easier with family around because doing that alone is soul-destroying.

I don't think your DH quite understands what's going on.

Once again, I am going to point out that stating Australia has no culture or history is racist.

I don't care that you don't like Australia after your less than a week (!) visit. I do care that you and many other posters on Mumsnet cannot understand that Australia is home to the longest continuing culture in the world with a rich spiritual, artistic history (that you clearly didn't bother to learn anything about) and your "Australia has no history or culture, not a mediaeval castle to be seen anywhere, so weird lols" is racist.

OP, you should really go home. The Hague Convention is hanging over your head. Don't become another of the women around the world, trapped in a country you don't like, because you can't leave with your children. You've felt this way for a year now, another few months isn't going to change the fundamental issue, which is your kids being close to their extended family.

TheSandgroper · 04/08/2025 00:54

BySassyGreenPanda · 03/08/2025 13:11

They aren't even married which adds to the vulnerability even more. Judging by OPs update, she's allowed him to kick the can down the road for another few months. Sadly, I think OP may have sealed her fate. An opportunity they thought they'd give a try has already been very costly.

The only thing I can suggest now is extended holidays in the UK and family going over for to Oz for long breaks. Or meet in the middle for holidays. This is the only way she can spend any decent amount of time with her family.

It's a long time since I read a thread that makes me feel despair for the OP like this.

No matter what the intentions were, OP may have been tricked/manoeuvred out of her home country and away from her family forever. All because she believed her partner would prioritise her wellbeing as he said he would. It's chilling to see of how this unfolded. You never really know someone.

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Actually, by being in Australia, OP made herself less vulnerable. De facto is the same as being married legally.

https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au/fl/pubs/defacto

https://cgw.com.au/insights/de-facto-vs-marriage-whats-the-difference/

ItIsFoggy · 04/08/2025 02:53

gishgalloping · 04/08/2025 00:25

Once again, I am going to point out that stating Australia has no culture or history is racist.

I don't care that you don't like Australia after your less than a week (!) visit. I do care that you and many other posters on Mumsnet cannot understand that Australia is home to the longest continuing culture in the world with a rich spiritual, artistic history (that you clearly didn't bother to learn anything about) and your "Australia has no history or culture, not a mediaeval castle to be seen anywhere, so weird lols" is racist.

OP, you should really go home. The Hague Convention is hanging over your head. Don't become another of the women around the world, trapped in a country you don't like, because you can't leave with your children. You've felt this way for a year now, another few months isn't going to change the fundamental issue, which is your kids being close to their extended family.

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Applause for this post.

Original poster

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 02:55

Mirabai · 03/08/2025 17:35

Who is failing to acknowledge that if you move you won’t see your birth family so much? Surely that’s a no brainer.

If you read my posts more carefully it was actually I who had the temerity to suggest that some people might love and value their partners as much as the rest of their family.

Some here seem to prioritise aunties and nanas over everything.

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I don't think anyone is prioritising that. I think both are important for children when growing.

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pourmeadrinkpls · 04/08/2025 03:02

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 02:55

I don't think anyone is prioritising that. I think both are important for children when growing.

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I think family is really important and personally I don't think I'd move away in the first place, it would need to be for a substantial opportunity, and even then I probably wouldn't. In saying that, if both parents are good, loving parents, there is no more important family than the parents.

Original poster

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 03:04

Loreli1983 · 03/08/2025 17:49

I very rarely comment but your 8 year old's comment about the empty chairs was so sad. Come home. I have a 5 year old and 18m old. We live over 2 hours from any family and that is hard enough so can empathise slightly. However i know i can reach them and vice versa in an emergency. Family is obviously so important to you. Like you, since having children of my own I've realised how much my own family mean to me. I love seeing my children with their grampy, aunties, uncles and cousins. I really hope you find a solution. Life really is too short to be so unhappy.

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Thank you for taking time to reply. Yes it was such a sad comment for a little one ey. It makes you realise how they really feel. They really do thrive when spending time with parents and grandparents and wider family. It's lovely to see and that's what I miss the most. Just calling at my parents with them so they can play with grandad or go to his cousins birthday party. Going home now is lovely but we can only do 2 weeks at a time and it's such a rush. Then we come back home to the quietness and loneliness. Although we do spend lovely days together as a family but in the hustle and bustle of life you sometimes don't have the time you'd like to spend every day quality time with your children. Also things like appointments are terribly hard and I have no one to call upon. In the holidays I had to have a breast ultrasound whilst holding my baby who was screaming and my other little one too. I have friends but they work too or have babies and it's not the same as family who wouldn't flinch at helping.

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Original poster

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 03:09

JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 03/08/2025 18:02

Well of course the chairs will be empty is she doesn't get a job and start building a social circle.

In many ways this is easier to do in adulthood as an immigrant than in your home country

I don't want to fill the chairs with just anyone and neither does my little one! I have a social circle. This was a family day.

You're comment is rude and also not thought out.

Instead of caring for the baby I grew you suggest that I work out the baby in childcare which I will pay out for and almost not have much money left over for the sake of making a few more friends? Ey my baby's childhood will be spent with a random person but oh well least I'll have friends. Sorry but no that doesn't sit right with me. You clearly have your priorities very different to mine. It's family I already have that I miss and home I'm don't want to try replace them I HAVE FRIENDS.

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pourmeadrinkpls · 04/08/2025 03:12

gishgalloping · 04/08/2025 00:25

Once again, I am going to point out that stating Australia has no culture or history is racist.

I don't care that you don't like Australia after your less than a week (!) visit. I do care that you and many other posters on Mumsnet cannot understand that Australia is home to the longest continuing culture in the world with a rich spiritual, artistic history (that you clearly didn't bother to learn anything about) and your "Australia has no history or culture, not a mediaeval castle to be seen anywhere, so weird lols" is racist.

OP, you should really go home. The Hague Convention is hanging over your head. Don't become another of the women around the world, trapped in a country you don't like, because you can't leave with your children. You've felt this way for a year now, another few months isn't going to change the fundamental issue, which is your kids being close to their extended family.

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Well said. British people can be so ignorant and racist, yet if you mention colonisation suddenly they have a very short memory 🙄

pourmeadrinkpls · 04/08/2025 03:15

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 03:04

Thank you for taking time to reply. Yes it was such a sad comment for a little one ey. It makes you realise how they really feel. They really do thrive when spending time with parents and grandparents and wider family. It's lovely to see and that's what I miss the most. Just calling at my parents with them so they can play with grandad or go to his cousins birthday party. Going home now is lovely but we can only do 2 weeks at a time and it's such a rush. Then we come back home to the quietness and loneliness. Although we do spend lovely days together as a family but in the hustle and bustle of life you sometimes don't have the time you'd like to spend every day quality time with your children. Also things like appointments are terribly hard and I have no one to call upon. In the holidays I had to have a breast ultrasound whilst holding my baby who was screaming and my other little one too. I have friends but they work too or have babies and it's not the same as family who wouldn't flinch at helping.

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It sounds like you are lonely and homesick for your family, I think no matter where you live that will be the case. I did say earlier you need to guve it a good go, but I don't think your heart and mind is in it. It's time to talk to your husband. Perhaps you and the children can go first and he stay on for a year, and then you'll need to reassess your relationship. Sad situation.

Original poster

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 03:17

VelvetHedge · 03/08/2025 19:54

It did, we moved back to the UK and nothing terrible happened. My children started school, they reconnected with cousins and grandparents. My dh didn’t want to move back but he did because he could see how unhappy I was. We have a really good life here in the UK.

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Thank you for sharing that it gives me hope!

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Original poster

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 03:50

Nestingbirds · 03/08/2025 20:08

I was a person that ‘swanned off’ and disregarded those that loved me most, if I am honest I couldn’t leave quick enough.

I felt bored at home - looking back it was complacency, and a wish to experience so many different cultures and ways of life. To challenge what I ‘knew’ to exist in a different way.

Whilst I was doing that I missed what was right before me. The precious bonds that is finite with family and old friends. That they WON’T actually be there forever, happy to accept the annual breadcrumbs.

Now I am much older I can’t rewind what I have done. I can’t change the past. That said I am obviously more cultured, bilingual. On paper I am very interesting. I can’t change what is lost though. I do wonder if it was ever worth it.

I felt homesick for a solid 18 months before I realised it wasn’t going to pass. This time it was knawing at my soul. I recognise OP’s anguish, and fear. I know how hard it is to wake up every day and feel like you are in the wrong place. Towards the end I couldn’t even manage a hello to those around me. A depression of sorts descends.

I have realised since then that it’s quite common. Homesickness can make you very ill. It’s not a fleeting non issue. But something that can cause severe mental health problems.

Op should not force herself to endure years of this, and she certainly should be taking her dc’s feelings into consideration - especially dc, this can shape their foundation years. Children need to feel safe, they need to feel as if they belong. They need roots and a home. For secure attachment (and this is a hated term
amongst the more free wheeling ex pats) your child needs to be secure.

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This was such a great post for me to read. Thank you for sharing. I will definitely be taking all of that on board x

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Original poster

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 04:06

Mirabai · 03/08/2025 20:23

And that’s you, is it so hard to understand that others are different?

For some people seeing their parents in person for a month once a year is perfectly fine. And they’re sociable so they make close friends and support networks in their adopted country - and their whole life us there not here.

For some people their birth family are not all they have. Or they may not like them particularly.

You ask what job is available in Aus not here. An old friend is a professor of archeology specialising in indigenous artefacts. So yeh that’s not something she can do here.

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You ask this.... But it is clearly hard for YOU to understand that wider family is just as important to some people. How hypocritical of you.

It sounds like you may not be close to your family (sorry if I'm wrong) and that's fine but don't assume that's everyone else

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Original poster

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 04:08

Lushvegetation · 03/08/2025 20:40

Her family is her children and her husband.

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Her "immediate family"* thought I'd correct you.

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Original poster

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 04:17

Quellycat · 03/08/2025 21:55

Her DP point of view is likely to be …. the as her partner, and father, he is not as important as her need to be by her family. There doesn’t seem to be anything about Oz, that’s bad, OP is missing family & being homesick.

IMO - this is a break point … DP is not enough, hee parents/her family is more impt.

OP does imagine in future about kids future upset at moving after being settled and kids feelings in future. Worrying about things that are pointless to worry about. Kids are resilient… they move schools, counties and countries all the time. How they might feel in 3 years is parent’s job to manage. Not a reason to move home. Further, leaving their dad in OZ is going to hurt feelings more than changing school.

DP is doing some sort of training & qualifying that takes 3 years.

We don’t know if there is a financial impact of him leaving before the “qualifying” time is finished. He would be quitting, returning home, with no job and wasted training. Would be interesting to know how effed he is quitting part way through and how “he might feel in 3 yrs” because his career aspirations have been crushed by an unexpectedly homesick partner.

OP wants out of the relationship, she doesn’t believe in a positive future anywhere but hometown UK. The post where she says “we love him” is very telling … she does not say “I love him”
imo OP wants out of this relationship and wants the kids back in UK, so she needs to get him to UK first to facilitate custody.

What a load of sh**

I love him dearly and it's nothing to do with custody. I want him back with us to be a family still. We do love him dearly. If I didn't I would have already been on a plane home. You're terrible at reading between the lines clearly.

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Original poster

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 04:24

pourmeadrinkpls · 03/08/2025 23:30

I agree. I think you've decided you don't want to be there, so probably stop wasting everyone's time and move back to the UK.

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I'm only wasting people's time if you choose to read it. Maybe stop wasting your own time if you feel that way. 🤷‍♀️

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