Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

It sounds like some people just like to live through other people and seem to have strong opinions for something they no very little about. It's hard posting when you really do want advice but some people are so judgemental. I hope your journey ended well x

Frankly, I would much rather stay in the place I grew up in and never move more than 2-3 miles away, (and be near my past, my roots, my family, my friends, and my childhood home,) than up sticks 5000 to 10000 miles away, rarely see family (if at all,) and raise my children in another country. I will never leave the UK, despite all the tedious threads on here slating and berating it.

But hey, if other people want to jog off to distant continents and never see family, (or rarely see them,) and leave their whole life, family, and friends behind, then crack on. Others don't want to do it though, and the shitty, dismissive attitude towards people who DON'T want to swan off to another continent to live is pathetic and narrow minded.

Some people are happy to stay near where they grew up, near to family, friends, and their past.. I know weird right?! Wanting to stay near family and friends?!!! I mean gosh! Some people travel abroad for 'work' as if that same work isn't available in the UK. What job would be in Australia, that isn't in the UK? Kangaroo catching?!

People do travel and get to see the world, so plenty of people get to leave 'their village' sometimes, but most people don't want to leave their family and friends and their whole life! THAT IS OK you know!

You’re being weirdly aggressive.

The OP and her DH did decide together to relocate to the other side of the world.

That the OP is finding it hard after a year doesn’t negate that. They made that decision to move away from their family and home country.

I’m not sure your input is very helpful to the OP, given that you completely disagree with their decision to do that in the first place and are sneeringly dismissive of it (jog off to).

They also decided to re-evaluate after one year. The year is up and only the DH is happy in Australia.

OP, you poor thing. Please ignore most of the comments on this thread - you have been in Australia for one year and you still feel very unsettled. A few suggestions. Either way, yourself and your partner should consider counselling. These are HUGE life decisions, and finding someone to ensure you both listen to each other, may help you both feel much more connected and less trapped.

I hear that you don't want childcare, how about a babysitter so you can get some adult time out with people other than your partner? Looking up expat communities can be an easy way to build your social network.

You have been incredibly brave to move across the world, channel that energy into your everyday, present experience, while you work out what you would like to do next. I think it is really important that your child is NOT part of the decision, that is a big responsibility for a little person and as much as possible, I would make sure they are not aware of how you are struggling to adjust/your partners feelings. It is important that they don't feel caught in the middle. Best of luck.

It did, we moved back to the UK and nothing terrible happened. My children started school, they reconnected with cousins and grandparents. My dh didn’t want to move back but he did because he could see how unhappy I was. We have a really good life here in the UK.

I was a person that ‘swanned off’ and disregarded those that loved me most, if I am honest I couldn’t leave quick enough.

I felt bored at home - looking back it was complacency, and a wish to experience so many different cultures and ways of life. To challenge what I ‘knew’ to exist in a different way.

Whilst I was doing that I missed what was right before me. The precious bonds that is finite with family and old friends. That they WON’T actually be there forever, happy to accept the annual breadcrumbs.

Now I am much older I can’t rewind what I have done. I can’t change the past. That said I am obviously more cultured, bilingual. On paper I am very interesting. I can’t change what is lost though. I do wonder if it was ever worth it.

I felt homesick for a solid 18 months before I realised it wasn’t going to pass. This time it was knawing at my soul. I recognise OP’s anguish, and fear. I know how hard it is to wake up every day and feel like you are in the wrong place. Towards the end I couldn’t even manage a hello to those around me. A depression of sorts descends.

I have realised since then that it’s quite common. Homesickness can make you very ill. It’s not a fleeting non issue. But something that can cause severe mental health problems.

Op should not force herself to endure years of this, and she certainly should be taking her dc’s feelings into consideration - especially dc, this can shape their foundation years. Children need to feel safe, they need to feel as if they belong. They need roots and a home. For secure attachment (and this is a hated term
amongst the more free wheeling ex pats) your child needs to be secure.

And that’s you, is it so hard to understand that others are different?

For some people seeing their parents in person for a month once a year is perfectly fine. And they’re sociable so they make close friends and support networks in their adopted country - and their whole life us there not here.

For some people their birth family are not all they have. Or they may not like them particularly.

You ask what job is available in Aus not here. An old friend is a professor of archeology specialising in indigenous artefacts. So yeh that’s not something she can do here.

That is lovely, but op hates it and wants a close relationship with her family. She didn’t know what she was signing up for, and now she does.

Her family is her children and her husband.

Ummm most people’s idea of family stretch’s beyond their spouse and dc!

Quoting temperatures is only half the answer to what weather 'feels like'.. foolish argument until you factor in humidity, whether in built up area or countryside, by the sea or in mountains....

YOU are the one who seems to find it hard to understand that others are different to you @Mirabai THAT is why I addressed that post to you.

Do keep up dear!

'I found just under a week was enough and I was ready to leave'. Your powers of observation must be superhuman.

She kind of did know she was moving to the other side of the world a long plane journey away. But I accept she didn’t predict how she would feel about it.

As things stand the only way to achieve a close relationship with her family is to leave her DP in Aus and become a single parent for 3 years possibly permanently. How do you know she won’t hate that?

If you read my posts more carefully I’m more than aware some people never want to leave Reading.

As OP has left Reading it’s no clear how this helps her.

This is an interesting thread. I think background and family history matter so much when it comes to outlook. I have a very diverse family background. All my ancestors have moved around constantly, countries, continents etc. They are survivors and adventurers. I have moved around all my life, and lived in a lot of different places. So moving is kind of what I am used to and it's in my blood. I get bored quickly.

My DIL is quite different. She is very close to her family of origin who have remained very static all their lives. Her parents still live in the same house she was brought up in. She would never even consider living abroad which I find very strange. She's very dependent on her parents, even as an adult. I imagine if she had to live in Oz she would hate it.

Some people just aren't cut out to live very far from their origins and their parents. I am not like that so can't understand people who want to live in the same place all their lives. Horses for courses. I guess OP is someone who isn't very adaptable and doesn't like change. Her OH is a different beast.

If OP is very close to her parents I imagine that's her driver. It wouldn't be my driver because I was never close to my parents and my main emotional tie was to my children and my husband. My parents were like this too, they didn't have a close relationship with their parents and I didn't really know my grandparents. It's hard to advise the OP because she knows what she needs in her own life and what matters to her.

Oh, quite happy! We settled back very quickly, the children caught up with UK classes quite quickly, although the education standards were behind our UK ones. They ended up at a splendid C16 grammar school and then went onto university. We reunited with our extended family too. If you don't feel happy in Oz, people here will be happy to have you back. If you like it - and people do - stay!

Her DP point of view is likely to be …. the as her partner, and father, he is not as important as her need to be by her family. There doesn’t seem to be anything about Oz, that’s bad, OP is missing family & being homesick.

IMO - this is a break point … DP is not enough, hee parents/her family is more impt.

OP does imagine in future about kids future upset at moving after being settled and kids feelings in future. Worrying about things that are pointless to worry about. Kids are resilient… they move schools, counties and countries all the time. How they might feel in 3 years is parent’s job to manage. Not a reason to move home. Further, leaving their dad in OZ is going to hurt feelings more than changing school.

DP is doing some sort of training & qualifying that takes 3 years.

We don’t know if there is a financial impact of him leaving before the “qualifying” time is finished. He would be quitting, returning home, with no job and wasted training. Would be interesting to know how effed he is quitting part way through and how “he might feel in 3 yrs” because his career aspirations have been crushed by an unexpectedly homesick partner.

OP wants out of the relationship, she doesn’t believe in a positive future anywhere but hometown UK. The post where she says “we love him” is very telling … she does not say “I love him”
imo OP wants out of this relationship and wants the kids back in UK, so she needs to get him to UK first to facilitate custody.

I agree but, from my experience, the problem with external support networks (which is all I've ever had and had very good ones) - you are not their actual family. You can be close, you can be like family, but you are not actually their family. In many instances, they have their actual family around and that takes priority for them, they visit them for weekends frequently and it's just not the same level and never will be.

My best friend is an ex-pat in very similar circumstances to me but it's still not the same as a family connection with all the history together.

Yes, in just a week you can see such a limited amount of any country. Australia has some amazing landscapes and wild areas. It takes a lot longer before you start discovering that sort of thing outside touristy areas. No country is perfect but you don't really get to see what it has to offer residents for a good year or more. First you're settling, eventually you fling your hooks and experiences further. That's when you really find the things you love there.

For some people seeing their parents in person for a month once a year is perfectly fine.

Bit rough on the parents though, especially as they get older.

Thank you so much for understanding and seeing that! ❤️

There is a reason why they say it takes a village to bring up a child. You are lucky enough to have a close knit family and by moving so far away from them you have realised how much you are missing them... Sometimes it takes losing what you take for granted to realise how much it means to you (I understand, I learned this the hard way too). I think where circumstances allow it, it is so important for children to grow up with extended family who love them. New friends you make as an adult are just not the same thing in my opinion.

It's pretty much still the same.. it's very beautiful but also very bland. It's always warm which nice but the days are the same as being anywhere.. school, work, eat, clean, sleep. Beach days are beautiful but they get boring. It's definitely like being on a permanent holiday (that isn't because I'm not working) life here feels like it's paused and I'm on a strange new planet. I know the area and I have friends so it isn't the newness. It's just not the life I enjoy. It is very average. If it wasn't warm no way would people be drawn to Australia.