Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

@mummaAusUk I lived abroad for 15 years and once i had dc it terrified me that amongst other things, if anything happened to me and dh, our dc would be placed in the care of social services, and not with family. And if there was a chance of a family member adopting them, they wouldn't have an existing close relationship with any extended family due to distance. Catastrophising? Yes, maybe. But im glad to be home now and have more than just their parents caring for and loving them.

Giving it more time doesn’t help everyone.

This is not true. Everyone's situation and feelings are different. Sorry your friend feels trapped 10 yesrs down the line but that doesn't mean it will be the same for op.

As a family we traveled a lot internationally when the kids were primary school aged. The deal always one either of us had a veto and we would go home. We also discussed what we would d9 if either of the DC didn’t take to the expat , internationally nomadic life, which wasn’t a problem as both thrived.

Both adults need to be able to say ‘this isn’t working’ and not be fobbed off.

I visited Australia a long time ago now and thought it such an average place. Honestly, it felt a bit backward. I'm sure it's changed now but I couldn't understand how anyone would choose to go and live there for the long-term. I found just under a week was enough and I was ready to leave. I found it boring, especially after visiting Asia. It seemed very plain vanilla and dull.

Don't get me wrong, the UK is certainly not perfect and the weather is shit much of the time. But I could never see the draw of Australia. It had little charm and little interest to me. Little culture, so far away from everything, little history and a very macho kind of undercurrent that permeated everything. Crocodile Dundee felt just a little too close to home. I was happy to leave. I'd never have considered it as a place to bring up my kids.

If you want quality of life, think France, Spain, Italy, Austria, Switzerland etc - even Eastern Europe would be much much better. Here you get what you know as a European, with the great education and culture, etc.

DH, if necessary he can spend another 3 years there and come back. If that's what he wants. As you say his life hasn't changed much. He still goes to work every day.

I wonder if the kids were out at childcare every day and you were working full-time if you'd feel more happy though. I think just spinning your wheels every day at home makes you more introspective and less likely to focus on the good stuff. You're not really progressing in life as your kids are your focus at the moment and you're devoted to them. There's no doubt that that's easier with family around because doing that alone is soul-destroying.

I don't think your DH quite understands what's going on.

How is Giving it more time doesn’t help everyone untrue? It’s a fact. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t work for some. I said everyone not anyone. I do know people for whom it has worked but as you said everyone’s situations and feelings are different so there is no one size fits all solution. And sometimes you just know that giving it more time won’t help because you know that a place just isn’t the right match for you as OP appears to do so.

And my friend doesn’t just feel trapped. She literally is trapped unable to leave unless she’s willing to leave her younger children behind. It won’t happen to everyone but it is not an uncommon situation either for women who emigrate as has been discussed on the thread. Expat forums are full of similar tales. And OP’s situation shares some worrying similarities.

I really feel for you , there are some mean comments on here, i don't see how hard it is to not understand how someone knows a place is not for them.
My husband visited Australia before he met me and he thinks its wonderful , amazing blah blah blah , he knows nothing on this earth would entice me to live there and that the grass isn't always greener.
He and my children are my family but so are the rest of my family and even though i don't see my mom and my dad when he was alive every day along with my siblings who i am very close to they are always there and would be by my side and my kids if ever we needed them .
Those relationships are really important to me and i wouldn't have ever wanted my children growing up not really knowing their own family and all the lovely experiences they have been part of ,we all know life and costs will get in the way when it comes to visits to and from the other side of the world despite what plans people say they will make.
I am on your side as i can totally imagine how lonely and desperate for home i would feel in your shoes but i sincerely hope you can come to a compromise or a solution that you are all happy with.

This.

The problem you've got OP is that you don't actually have the luxury of time to decide or to "try longer/harder to adjust". It's decision time now.

You currently have two children, neither born there, only been there one year and one of them is unhappy and wants to return to UK. You and he has an agreement to try for a year, now the year is up. You spoke to your H and the agreement you came to was that you'd leave with DC and he'd visit UK often. So as it stands you can return to the UK. In the current circumstances I think it would be hard to argue the DC live in Australia now.

Your H has told you in several different ways that he has no intention of returning. He's literally told you with those words, although he said "probably" it's clear his mind is made up 100%. He's signed for a 4yr training course. That's not the actions of someone who doesn't want to stay long term. Even the prospect of losing you and DC hasn't made him reconsider for even a minute, his response was "ok then you go".

I would not discussing it any further with him and giving him the chance to withdraw consent for DC to leave. If he wants to argue the toss about how he's changed his mind or didn't really mean it or didn't realise you'd follow through, far better for you if he does that after the event when DC are on British soil. Than dragging out any argument while they're still in Australia and all that time adding to his argument that their lives are there now. Once you're back in UK surely he'd then be the one in the position of needing your consent to bring DC back to Australia to live and you could refuse to give it.

If you stay another year, it's going to look more like the DC lives are in Australia and when your H realises that he won't be a single parent if you two split up, because all he has to do to keep you there is to refuse to let DC leave (knowing you won't leave without them), that's what he'll no doubt do. You think your marriage will survive him doing that to you and controlling you in that way? I don't.

I can see you ending up a single parent either way. With all that entails. The only real choice I see is whether you're going to do it in Australia or UK.

If you're close to your family no amount of time is going to make you not miss them. If you don't like the heat, are you going to somehow change that personal preference? UK athletes training in foreign countries to acclimatise to the heat and humidity prior to the Olympics don't have to go there for years to do that, more like a few months at most for their bodies to adjust. I think the people saying you just need to get out of the house more have missed the part where you said you stay home a lot to escape the heat. The issue isn't that you haven't made friends and are lonely, the issue is that you miss your family and don't like the heat. I'm going to presume that since you have friends and eyes in your head, you're already doing whatever it is that Australians do to combat the heat when outdoors and for you those measures are not enough to make life enjoyable.

Right. An old friend of mine moved to California and her sister moved to Aus. Her parents live in London. Every other year the parents do a round trip of US + Aus. Every other year the siblings visit London.

If MNers had their way no-one would ever leave their village.

Negative I find making connections hard, family is so far away & im unhappy more than happy here

concentrating on the negatives for a moment, why are you finding it hard to make connections?

How old are your children and have you made friends with other mums? Have you made friends with other friends that are in Australia from the UK? have you got hobbies where you can make friends?

Are you unhappy due to being lonely? feeling cut off from your old friends and family?

What could other MN do to help you make those connections, especially MN in Australia?

Don’t be so ridiculous. Of course people can and do move abroad but I fail to see what’s wrong with acknowledging that if you have a close family and if your extended family then you will lose that to an extent if you move. Zoom is no substitute for actually being there in person for your Mother or Sister and spending time to go. That doesn’t mean there can’t be advantages to going but it is something that deserves some real consideration though I think the full impact often isn’t realised until you’re thousands of miles away from home and even more so an adverse event happens.

Obviously this only applies if you are close to your family and even if you are there may still be valid reasons to go but I don’t see why you’re so scornful about people loving and valuing their husband and other family members. It’s perfectly possible to do both.

I definitely get how hard it is to raise children on the other side of the world from your family. My situation is a little different but hard in a different way - DH's family are here in the UK but totally uninvolved and fairly uninterested in our kids. So they don't get that grandparent/aunties/uncles relationship with their UK family. The Australian family is much closer and more involved with each other, but are obviously on the other side of the world.

It's incredibly hard sometimes but ultimately I've had to decided to make what are rationally the best decisions for my family, not just me.

A couple of observations from reading your posts:

• It feels like you are blaming all your unhappiness on Australia. I have definitely gone through periods of doing that and your posts bear the same hallmarks. Realistically it's likely to be a lot more complex than that but you are currently looking at the UK through the same rose-tinted glasses and Australia is your scapegoat.
• I've always gone through peaks and troughs of homesickness but what others are saying is true, the first two years for me were much tougher than the rest have been.
• Through your posts it feels very much like you equate your children's happiness with your own - ie you've decided that your partner doesn't care what's best for you and the kids, rather than just you. It doesn't sound like you're necessarily weighing up the pros and cons for them as independent people, and I wonder if your partner feels similarly. It's a calculation I've made many times in weighing up where to live and realistically there is no clear "x is better" place from an objective viewpoint. You clearly put a great deal more weight on family relationships for example than your partner does.
• Your unhappiness is leading you to make some very negative statements that are definitely not true - for example your suggestion that you'll never have a support network locally because you don't have family in Australia. It takes work - but it sounds like you're already putting some in. I can confidently say I have a really positive and supportive network here, including people who will have my kids not just in emergencies but for social events, trips away, etc.
• I've been surprised and pleased by the really positive, loving relationships my kids have with my wider family, despite the distance. We've worked hard on it including visits, FaceTime from when they were toddlers, etc. It's obviously bittersweet and not the same as having them nearby - but we all really invest in making the time we have together really count.

I'm really intrigued to know where you are. And I wish you the best - I do think some therapy (both individually and with your partner) might help you to work through some of this.

A very interesting and insightful post @JassyRadlett.

Who is failing to acknowledge that if you move you won’t see your birth family so much? Surely that’s a no brainer.

If you read my posts more carefully it was actually I who had the temerity to suggest that some people might love and value their partners as much as the rest of their family.

Some here seem to prioritise aunties and nanas over everything.

Yes it’s a really good post.

I’ve read your posts in far more detail than I care for thank you. And as I said people can value their husbands and their extended family at the same time. Yet you seem to be scornful at the idea that some people value both their husband and Grandma and want to enjoy the benefits of having both in their and their children’s lives. You seem to think that there’s something shameful in valuing one’s extended family in addition to their partner.

Excellent post @JassyRadlett

I very rarely comment but your 8 year old's comment about the empty chairs was so sad. Come home. I have a 5 year old and 18m old. We live over 2 hours from any family and that is hard enough so can empathise slightly. However i know i can reach them and vice versa in an emergency. Family is obviously so important to you. Like you, since having children of my own I've realised how much my own family mean to me. I love seeing my children with their grampy, aunties, uncles and cousins. I really hope you find a solution. Life really is too short to be so unhappy.

Hi op, i know how you feel, that feeling of home sickness is ewful you can not shake it off, I know because this was me many years ago, and all for the same reasons,

We didn't have social media then either was ewful,

It's all the silly little things is int it, i missed the seasons changing ' because they dont there 'didn't think about it before hand but why would I,

My only advice op if you can, pop home for a month see how you feel, maybe that's all you will need do to feel better, and knowing you can go home then plan for family to visit you all depends on cost, but home sickness won't be so bad having plans in place so you can visit home,

Well of course the chairs will be empty is she doesn't get a job and start building a social circle.

In many ways this is easier to do in adulthood as an immigrant than in your home country

Just another selfish dad putting his own happiness before his family this is not going to be an easy decision whatever you decide. Things to think about would he support you financially if you leave? How would your life be back in the uk? Would your kids cope not seeing dad but seeing grandparents? Would they not miss him more than they miss family in the uk? I am not advising you to stay or go but you have a lot of thinking to do if you did leave and he met someone new and never came back could you cope? Could your oldest cope? It really depends on how much you love him and how much you love your family at home. He was really disrespectful saying for to go like hey you don’t really matter to me my job means more than the 3 of you put together. Good luck what ever you choose to do.

Yeah it’s really selfish to be the sole breadwinner and spend 4 years training for a good career.

Sorry but imagine this if it was reversed. I think a lot of people would be on the DH’s side if he was the woman in the situation.

They both wanted to move, presumably they both agreed on the training program being 4 years, he is throwing himself into the new life. It doesn’t sound like she is, being a SAHM is isolating anywhere and she’s not willing to get a job because of childcare. That’s a fair choice but a job is usually the easiest way to make friends as an adult and settle into a new location, at least it has been for me. They said they’d give it a year but it sounds like she’s written it off very quickly and isn’t willing to actually give it a chance. It’s sad, neither are really in the wrong or “selfish” - he likes it, she doesn’t, either they split up or both stay in a country where one is unhappy.

Sorry this must have replied to the wrong person

We've just decided to give it another month to kill over it and then decide that is all I agree with everything

What’s wrong with compared to what you thought? I know someone who came back and said it’s so cut off, no culture and hated it but she was single. Hope you find your happiness whichever way. I’d probably give it 18 months or so