Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

As someone who has moved multiple times, pre children and then with children, it is much more difficult with children.

That said, any move no matter how far, takes far longer than one year to settle. You are in a very negative mind space, so in that, you are not open to accepting the change.

Of course it is a huge change. I am not sure why people think things are the same no matter where you live. It is most definitely not, and you have to adjust to the new lifestyle. One year is not enough time OP. You haven't given it a long enough chance yet.

Also, if course you haven't a strong bond with friends. You haven't been there long enough to.
Your child who wants to move home. At 8 years old, why have you implied this is an option? As by doing that, you are allowing them to believe they also don't have to accept this new change and can just go back to how school and life was a year ago. Even if you do go back, it will still be different to them from how it was last year.

I can see you DH pov. It is such a big move and you haven't integrated as well as he has yet.

Him being at work had a huge amount to do with it. He is with the local people all day, learning the ways, meeting new people and getting on with it.
While you stay at home and do the odd camping trip and some socializing, I assume child orientated.

Can you see the difference? Why are you so anti childcare? I think that is the absolute best thing you need. Go and seek out a part time job and integrate yourself into the real lifestyle more.

One more thing. It's winter now. All of us in the SH battle a bit more in winter. We don't have the luxury of central heating and do tend to spend with winter months cooped up a bit more. Which is a vast change from the rest of the year when it's easier to do outdoor things. Never ever make a hard decision in winter is my motto.

You are setting your mind on the fact you miss your family. And that is your full focus. Shift it to being a bit more positive and acceptance of change. Otherwise you are never going to be happy. You will stay there with DH and be miserable, or you will return to UK single and still have to deal with some change.

And what if her dh withdraws permission in the mean time? No one ever answers thus central question when telling io to stay. Then she becones totally stuck there for good.

OFGS! You’ve only been in Oz for a year. OK settling in means confusion and a bit of uncertainty. Throw in a bit of Homesickness and you get a perfect excuse to feel sorry for yourself. Sorry OP, if what you say about your lovely family unit, carefully built together over 10 years is true and means ANYTHING to you - then it’s time for you to step up. Especially if your man is the sole provider for your household. You seem to have backed a winner with him. Take comfort from that and concentrate on your little ones. They have a brilliant life ahead of them in Oz but your indecisiveness risks undermining their future. School will come soon enough, then who knows what brilliant opportunities will open up for YOU? Success comes in ‘CANS’ Failure comes in ‘CAN’TS’.

A winner? When he keeps changing the terms on OP and doesn’t seem troubled by the fact that she’s so unhappy. That’s one way of putting it.

This is one of the most poignant experiences shared on this thread.

“My parents wanted to have their adventure and me and my sibling were collateral damage”

When people emigrate they often make the choice for their own desires first and then their children second - and with little to no regard for their future adult children and their future families.

And when it comes to emigration to Australia “giving it a good go” is a bit of a myth as once you put a foot in it’s not easy to pull out as OP is discovering.

Family and roots matter. Family is grandparents and grandchildren, cousins and aunts, old friends and neighbours. It’s more than just the four of you and this is especially true when children grow up.

It isn't for everyone. We came home after a year, and prospered, although we both agreed we'd made the wrong decision.

She doesn't want to be there and her husband has already broken so many agreements they made prior to arriving and is checking out on his marriage. Please read whole post....

And what if she breaks up her family for good just because she is still in the transition period?

Its totally understandable that you are feeling lost about what to do - a family potentially splitting up is never an easy decision and you have the complexities of different countries meaning there is no half way house - it’s stay or go.

can I suggest two things:

1. write a like for like list. One side Australia the other side Uk to make sure you are comparing apples to apples. I noticed you had suggested if you all went back to the Uk you could get a job based around when your hubby was not working - but in Australia it was very much you can’t work because of the kids. Work does help with self confidence and also making social connections. Compare everything, family, housing, holidays etc.

2. I think you need to go back to the uk with the kids for 3 months - preferably over winter. Maybe go in Nov and then get your hubby to come over for Christmas and you go back in January.

I think you need to go for an extended period of time. When you get back you will have the excitement of being back and seeing family and friends and this needs to wear off so you get to the point of everyday life in the uk without your hubby.

your hubby needs to be separate from his family - hopefully he’ll miss you all like crazy and then he really needs to decide what he wants.

it will be nice to see him at Christmas - but when he leaves you will actually know do you feel sad about that and want to follow him or will you feel like you don’t want to follow him.

also, I know you said the 8 year old has not settled - but kids are very intuitive - if you are not settled and are unhappy you child will be feeling this and be unhappy too.

I think one of your biggest issues is your 1 year old - having such a young baby is a big life commitment - it’s very difficult to feel you can put your daily needs first at this age whatever country you are in

Hi Op It must be very frustrating to say the least and something I could not possibly imagine.
Show him this thread and then he might realise how you feel and it might shock him into realising he is being selfish to say the least!

I don’t think he keeps changing the terms. He’s trying to complete a course of training which they both agreed to. They have made a huge move which both of them backed. After one year OP has decided to go back to be near her family. That’s changing the terms. One year is just not enough to know. Once the training is finished, that is the time for her to make a decision. Agree though that if her husband changes his mind about her taking the children she will be in an impossible situation. I’m guessing though he won’t be happy to be the parent who keeps them whilst she goes back to the UK. An Australian court is unlikely to rule against her if it came to it also.

@ItIsFoggy and @EdisinBurgh

I don't post very often but just wanted to say I found both of your posts very helpful. I find myself in a predicament similar to op's but slightly different circumstances. Been in my husband's country (EU) for 12 years, we have two kids under 6 and I've been realising how unhappy I am here and want to go home but I've been feeling guilty dragging my kids away from somewhere they are happy and have a nice quality of life. Your comments have made me realise one day they may thank me for taking them to the UK where they can grow up with grandparents (3) aunties (3) uncles (4), family friends who I still keep in contact with and potential future cousins. They have zero family here and we have found it very difficult to make proper deep friendships, so it's always just the 4 of us and not the life I had pictures. I grew up with so much family around and I really loved it as a kid.

Op - I just wanted to say I completely understand the feeling of loneliness in another country and as others have said, if it's missing family that is the biggest issue, then you probably won't just "get over it". I've been feeling similar to you for 2 years now and it's just gotten worse. I made the decision to really try settle in again (as I was happy here before kids and COVID) but having kids has changed everything for me and I now realise I just want to go home and be with my family. And that's after 12 years of living here, the first 8 of which I was very happy, settled and thought it was forever. The more time goes on now, the more I feel sad and want to go home.
I can't imagine how hurtful is it to hear your OH is dismissing your upset and basically not even open to discuss a move back with you. It's like he's made the decision and that's it. For me alone, that would change how I saw my DH and probably would break the trust a bit. I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope your OH can sit with you and discuss it properly but as others have said, I don't trust him to actually leave with you if you put another timeline on it (seeing as he has gone back on his word this time). If you really can't see a way to stay and try a bit longer, or if you really think he could refuse you leaving in the future, then I'd seriously debate going back to the UK. I think the alternative of being stuck in Australia unhappy with a man who is no longer the man you thought he was is a much more miserable situation than single parenting back home with your family around.

OP - you stuck to the terms, stuck it for a year and it's not working. What a lot of people don't get is HOW FAR away aus is. It's not a ferry ride or even 8-9 hours flight, you're looking at a couple of days travelling. Add coming from a close family into the mix and it's just plain hard.

I've been a child living abroad- granted Europe, but that was hard. I'm very close to my grandparents and my cousins and missing out on the big family events was difficult but also the boring everyday stuff.

A sibling also moved away to Australia in his 30s and came back after 18 months. Mainly because he missed family and friends. It's SUCH a long way and as for facetime, yes you can do it but the tine difference makes it easy and it doesn't replace simply sitting reading books or baking cakes or just going to the park.

Could he have enrolled on the course to trap you to an extent? If it were me I'd just go home I think. Yes it will be hard but hard surrounded by family and support not almost solo parenting while your partner gets to work, train and have a life.

But you knew the kids couldn't play with their grandad or cousins before you left, didn't you? You sound like you've gone into this with very immature rose-tinted glasses. I feel sorry for your DH

That families and circumstances are different was precisely my point. It was in response to a post painting a solely negative picture. And no, his wife’s family are in Canada not the US.

Not true. They agreed to reassess after one year, and go back if either were unhappy. HE is the one changing terms.

I commented similar to this - I do wonder if this was a long-term attempt (albeit even unacknowledged to himself) to severe the close bonds the OP has with her wider family, as he’s apparently not really into that.

So why did DP taken on a 4 year training programme?

If you’re going for a year, you take a year’s contract only.

I haven’t assumed anything, merely commented on another poster’s assumptions.

You may have family who want to do full on childcare, but that would be quite rare. And some gps say they will but find it’s too much for them.

I suggest you do what you like with your kids. But it’s very normal for women to work and put their kids in childcare. They do it to keep hold of their job/skills, for pension contributions, and for a life outside their small family so they don’t get isolated. All these issues are important but the last is key in your circumstance.

Nailed it.

This^

Missing family? You are with your family. UK is a joke right now and you're living in paradise. In all kindness grow up a little

Missing the point entirely.

Australia, is not paradise. I live there, love it and know.

In the end everyone has to live where they are and for the OP, Australia is not it.

Not true, she is a wife not a modern Slave.

Why won’t people accept that the OP doesn’t fucking like it in Australia! its insane. Everyone deliberately ignoring that the longer she leaves it the harder it will be to bring the children home. It’s like the Australian tourist board has sent a load of posters over to hector and admonish the poor OP.