Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

That’s not enough! Jesus, your bar is low. They are his children he has to provide for them wherever he lives! It’s his responsibility.

Op can get a job in the U.K. when her baby is older, as she will have the necessary childcare in place being so close to her family to facilitate work.

Well no I think your bar isn’t high enough. It’s also OP’s responsibility to provide. Then there are huge entitled assumptions - family can just look after her kids - and if they don’t want to?

what field of work is youe DH in?

i am still trying to get around how you didn’t realise Australia was at the other end of the world. Did you not fo a trip to check it out before emigrating?

That said you need to be united. We also moved abroad intending to stay 3 years but we loved it so much we stayed for 7. We decided to return to UK as I felt it was better for the kids. DH really didn’t want to leave but he put everyone else’s needa ahead of his own. Because we are a unit.
i think your DH is just annoyed with you. But hopefully he won’t compel you to stay in a place you are miserable.
and I hope your family plays an active a role in your life as you are thinking they would

so she should return to the UK leaving her husband and depend on her parents to provide childcare until she eventually gets a job? That doesn’t sound great to me .

mummaAusUk
It would be 3 years until training is finished. And even then I honestly don't think he will want to leave as he has said he probably wouldn't.

It's right there OP ❤

You clearly don't understand how young children work.. no child is interested in face time when they're young. they miss out on playing with grandad and cousins. Yes face time is great for adults and if I didn't have children maybe yes I'd manage but I do.

How do you work that out.. when I had children I fully understood what that means and I want to spend as much time with them as possible that doesn't mean I want to keep them all to myself? They can also have dad around and other family members. I don't know what your understanding is about motherhood.

Wrong he isn't. I worked right up to maternity and I have savings from working. Yes he has a career now in something he's interested in doing which is why we're in the ticky situation. I've done my share of working and if we did by chance use childcare which we won't that would be costly.

So are you saying we should have come with no job whatever because we were seeing how it goes we shouldn't put our name down for anything? Everything has a time limit as such that doesn't mean you can't trial things.

It's not just about him providing. It's because we love him and the children adore him and we're a family. It's not an easy decision. I don't want to split us up but I also need myself and children to be happy. Catch 22

It was the plan when we left. We said a year and see how we feel.

You're just assuming everything. Calm down.

Family would of course help if needed that's what family do support eachother.

Correct it is my job too which is why I worked up to maternity but it's also a mother's job to care for her children I can't do both. Do you suggest instead I work and put them in care and pay out making working and the money almost pointless and also giving the situation the kids don't see any parents hardly?

It’s your responsibility to look after your children with their father. It’s not your parents job to take that on for you. You made a commitment to move out there and try to make a go of it. One year is nothing.

What I see is people saying a year isn't really long enough, to give more time.

OP if you come back to the uk as a single parent have you thought how that might work? Worst case scenario - you come back without your dh and you can’t get maintenance. If you try and claim for anything here you will be expected to work very quickly (think when youngest is 3) if that isn’t an issue then fair enough.
Despite me saying that I still think you should probably come back but think very carefully about what your life back here will look like and prepare yourself.

I really feel for you - horrible position to be in especially with your dh not hearing you like you would like him to. Can you try talking with him again? No blaming, nobody getting het up or issuing ultimatums or anything but an adult, realistic honest conversation?

Is there a reason you still haven't said where you are

I think the problem with such a big move like this is you actually have to give it a good go. The standard is that it takes about 2 years to start to settle, anywhere you move is going to be a massive culture shock and of course you'll be homesick. It's only been a year and it sounds like OP has already decided that she doesn't want to stay, which I think it's unfair to the rest of the family.

But if the sticking point is being so far away from family, then how will more time help?

Besides, not everyone takes at least two years to settle in, then is happy. When I lived abroad (in mainland Europe), I mostly enjoyed the first 18 months or so, then the novelty wore off and I decided to go back to the UK. The trouble with getting to know your "new country" better, is that what you discover is a mixture of good and bad. For example, my new country had a reputation for being tolerant and progressive. In some ways it was, but in others it was anything but!

But that's like any country, that's why you have to give it a good go. Being a SAHM won't help either, that's a tough and isolating job unless OP has a wide circle of SAHM friends. If she didn't have kids I would say to go back, but given this is likely the end of the family I think it's important to really try. In any situation if you're focusing on the negatives, it's not going to be great

Where did I ever say it wasn't my responsibility? I said I wanted family to be a part of their life not care for them. Which is a very reasonable and understandable want. We have no family here whatsoever. Yes I knew that but I also didn't know how I would feel having two small children until I arrived. I don't think anyone can know how they will actually feel. One year is nothing to me but I'm thinking of the bigger picture. The children settling and then having to return. If I give it years my eldest will be older and made connections. It's easy for people to think they understand an type a few word online. Maybe sit and think if this was you how you would actually feel. Even then you still wouldn't fully understand

I've been in your children's position OP. I guess I am in their position for life, as it stands at the moment. When I was a child it was all I knew - not having family outside my parents and sibling. As an adult, and as I get older, I feel the lack of extended family more and more. Your children may feel differently but there is something to be said for familial connections to a place. I can never recover those ties as an adult because relationships are built on shared experiences, and I don't have those with them. There is no foundation there. My parents wanted to have their adventure and me and my sibling were collateral damage. It's very isolating and now I can't give my children extended family either, because I don't have it to give them.

My mother deeply regrets having made the decision now and feels she took away too much from herself and us.

Have you considered how things will go in your older age? Me and my sibling returned to the country of origin and my parents are now aging, all alone, with no-one to support them.

I know you aren't us and your children might have totally different experiences and feelings. Just some things to think about from a child who has been in this position.

It doesn't sound like she is able to last 6 more months, let alone a year. 3 or 4 years is absolutely crazy there is no way on earth she'd last that long.

@mummaAusUk I'd move back now while he says you can, it's far too risky to stay when you could split and he changes his mind about letting you leave with the kids. He's given you permission, go now!

When the 2 years were coming to an end, she went to book flights home, having had 'when we go home' conversations with her 'D'H. She couldn't find the kids' passports....this is how she found out that her 'D'H didn't want to come home and she was then stuck there. He had hidden them.

She could have had new passports issued, if she thought she lost them? Shrugs.

This is different even from this OPs situation. Your cousin's wife has family in the States. We're talking about NO family, no connection to the country.

I've lived in 3 different countries, I know it takes a while to settle. But I also know when you miss your family, no amount of time is going to make that go away.

@mummaAusUk only you can know if you should go home. I was very lucky dh was willing to move back to my home country (both of us are not from the UK). Im not sure what I'd do in your situation. Good luck with your decision.

, and in the same post seemed cross that trans rights are more universally recognised in Aus.

The issue is about the lack of womens rights.

@Notquitethetruth They decided to reassess after one year and if either one was unhappy they'd go back. He is the one reneging on that agreement.

I'm hoping we can agree to a time limit or a plan B

Forget it, OP. You're just wasting your time. You say he said you'd all reassess after a year, he went back on that. He will go back on a 'time limit' or 'plan B', and you know it. Go home now. He has absolutely no intention of ever returning to the UK, and you know that.

What difference would new passports make if the father had withdrawn permission for the children to leave? I assume you have heard of The Hague convention. It would be considered kidnapping without the father’s consent.

Mothers in this situation ultimately become captive, not just fir a few months or years but often for their entire life time. Once consent is withdrawn it is very difficult to challenge, and as a mother is unlikely to leave her dc on the other side of the world, the children usually end up living there indefinitely and so does the mother.

My friend eventually arrived home after 21 years, as she didn’t want to leave her dc, the youngest one promptly got on a plane six months later, and doesn’t want to live in the U.K.

Her family are likely now to remain permanently divided. It pains her every day. She has spent decades of her life somewhere she hated, and now she has lost one child for good, and is likely to lose the other unless they are able to adjust. This is the reality. She is in therapy because even the idea of getting on a flight to see him triggers her, she is struggling with her mental health and other complications.

People underestimate the impact of being basically imprisoned for such a long period of time.