Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

Yes that's it for me, so many things can change in a three year period and then that's a whole different dynamic. You have to be able to project forward and plan for your children's education and their sense of uk identity. The wrong decision could literally make them someone else. Parents often assume that their best decisions will be great for their kids but that's not always so. My friends girls came back here for university and have never and would never go back so she's now stuck out there alone. It's a complex thing. More telling is the level and preparedness of digging in of heels from OPs husband. That has the same impact as an affair. The "only my needs and enjoyment matter" part. I tend to favour the children in this, it must be pretty awful for OP to deal with the fact that her partner isn't even considering that. One of them has to, a parlance of some kind is required, it's about the families future happiness and a young child who has no choice. Can OP enlist any help from family members at home? Maybe it would help to talk it through with someone she trusts.

I don’t think it’s necessarily selfishness. He’s the only earner. He’s doing something which they both agreed to to further his career so that will help the whole family. They agreed to do this. It’s only fair to wait u tik the training has finished. I moved around the country as my OH built his career. It was hard and I was miserable a lot of the time but I accepted that I needed to make sacrifices myself for the good of the family. A year is nothing. I don’t think the OP is giving it a fair chance or being realistic about the situation.

As she says, he seems a bit fixated on the job. Maybe a list of pros and cons would work? Gather information so can make one. How much training time does he have left? How does the eventual salary he can earn there compare with the same salary here for that job? What would be the maximum amount of time you'd have to stay for him to fully qualify? How many holidays could you take home in that time? Would weekly zooms home help? My friend speaks to her mum every day. How many sports could you get going for the kids and different activities to make time pass? How many family members could visit you there in that time and would that make it more bearable? Even just thinking about these questions may bring you the necessary clarity you need. I'm guessing though that you're stumbling on that fundamental statement you shared at he beginning which is central to everything else. You feel your fundamental family formula has been altered? I'm thinking of you OP. I wish you courage and peace...

I've been to parts of the world that are often described as utopia and found murk and isolation and unending heat and health strife where a hospital is a flight away, it's a reality for more people than you think . I have listened to other stories of the gold coast, and perth being like paradise but also displaying massive climate issues. Australia is largely only habitable within easy reach of the ocean. Like mostly everywhere there are environmental issues.

It would be 3 years until training is finished. And even then I honestly don't think he will want to leave as he has said he probably wouldn't. I asked for a time scale we can put on it and he basically said we may as well stay. I just get the feeling he doesn't ever want to return. We can't find a compromise. I think he will just keep dragging me along "give it another year" until we've been here that long the kids can't remember different. I mean I could just stay forever but that feeling just doesn't sit right with me and makes me feel physically sick. If he could promise me and actually ment it we could go home in a couple of years I may be able to deal with it but he can't and if he did how could I trust it now.

I'm with you on that one. Just gather yourselves and come home with the kids. May be he won't be so keen when he's got to front it with out you all. As I said right at the beginning I think you know what you need to do, for your self respect and for what's good for you. Courage mon brave.

Before you went you believed that if one of you wasn't happy you'd all return. That appears not to be the case.

If he doesn't let you take the children, you won't be going anywhere. He has complete control of your life. OP, you need to know if he was serious about letting you leave with the children. For 18 pages this has been discussed as though you have options. Without his consent, you have none.

It’s almost as if Utopia doesn’t exist. I mean Shakespeare took the piss out of the concept of the concept in 1610. I don’t know anyone who talks in such terms in 2025 or anyone naive enough to fall for such nonsense if they did.

I strongly suspect you can’t come up with any supporting evidence for “apparently everyone outside of the UK just looks after their elderly without qualm or question”. It’s not even likely comment.

But I agree it’s totally irrelevant, so I will leave it there.

And how do you feel about splitting up and going home with the kids?

You lack imagination. That’s all I’ll say. I could post examples but I’d get crickets again as I usually do. If you haven’t personally encountered it or noticed it, then apparently it doesn’t and couldn’t possibly exist even though more than one other MN poster has encountered such comments but as I also don’t want to derail the thread further, let’s go back to OP’s situation…

Very sensible advice.

You did by the fact he signed up to a training programme lasting years.

Your acting like you emigrated in the last century when it was a death sentence.

They can see and speak to all of their family every single day all thanks to the miracle of the Internet thats allowing you to post on a predominantly UK site.

Your back handed smart comment about working mothers fobbing of their children them going on to complain about your children only having you, because your partner is solely responsible for your family financially is pretty ironic.

So if you were seeing how it goes why agree to signing up for a career training programme for a defined length of time?

It would be 3 years until training is finished. And even then I honestly don't think he will want to leave as he has said he probably wouldn't. I asked for a time scale we can put on it and he basically said we may as well stay.

Then as hard as it is and may continue to be, you need to leave with the DC now, while you still can, before he has a case for them having spent significant amount of their life there and refuses. I wouldn't trust him at all at this point.

I wouldn't risk being separated from my DC or being stuck forever in a country I didn't want to live in. If I had any doubts at all that he didn't really mean it when he said "go home with the DC then", I'd be on that plane ASAP and leaving him a note to find when he returned from work.

Or maybe you could try doing what he's doing and seeing if he comes round to your way of thinking when he's separated from you. Take DC to your parents now for an extended holiday over the summer holidays, then keep "delaying" your return endlessly, because you're happy here and after a year tell him you think you may as well stay. Maybe he'll miss you like crazy and come back to you, but I doubt it.

She's upset that a year has now turned to three, so having trouble trusting as the goal posts keep changing. I take your point about being the breadwinner.

How do you know that?

I'd really advise you to let your family know what's happening to you, you may need their help or moral support. It may also moderate the behaviour some.

OP said they agreed to try it.

mummaAusUk · 31/07/2025 12:24
His job wasn't the main reason we came here as we wanted to give it a try but we knew it was always a risk and we didn't know how we would feel. I knew after 3 months but he asked to give it more time which I agreed and he said if I still wasn't happy we could leave but now he's saying he wants to stay so I feel like I can't trust agreeing to give it longer as what if we end up stuck here

Australia is part or the Hague Convention. If it's found that the children's 'habitual residence' is Australia, OP can't take the children without DPs consent.

Habitual residence has no clear defined parameters. In general terms it means where their lives are. The longer they stay the stronger the argument becomes that Australia is where the children's lives are.

Ok I understand, he has actually told her to go home with the kids and he'll visit. So that sounds like a permission.

In many parts of Europe the extended family is more of an active concept than it is here. People look in on each other more and cook for their elderly who you'll often see sitting in and around the home of their extended family.

He also said they could come back if it wasn't working. I wouldn't trust anything he says to be honest. What an awful predicament.

Why would anyone put their young dc through this. It’s the epitome of selfishness. Op is worried for her dc, they are very unhappy why on earth should they continue with it for the benefit of her selfish dh’s lifestyle???

Utter madness.

Because he’s providing for all of them?

The training won’t have changed, it would always be what it is. We don’t know at what point he said a year: whether that was the plan before they left (unlikely or he wouldn’t have signed up for 4 years training); or after OP said she was unhappy which was 3 months in.