Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

But the alternative is they will miss out on their Dad? What's best for the kids?

Firstly, no judging here. Big hug for you. I'm so sorry you had to hear that from your partner. That's a terrible betrayal. It's also your source of truth. He's literally telling you it's all about him. I had four babies but our life was all about his work. I tried to stick it out to keep us together. Eventually, after twenty odd years he was unfaithful and expected me to just accept that too. I knew in that moment I had to choose a life for me and my family. Don't wait like I did, it ruins your confidence and self esteem for ever. Choose your self and your babies, organize your self, buy tickets and come home. Focus on your purpose and let him crack on with his self serving choices. Everyone will help you. Get your ducks lined up and act. No man should talk to you like that, never mind the father of your kids. You need to show him you respect your self more than he does. He's not worthy and sounds rather weak. Get your own life back on track and show him your power. Im saying you matter, you deserve respect, your actions are either you demanding it or you making good choices for yourself and your family and I wish all the best things in life. I can hear in your words that you know what you actually want to do. More power to your elbow. I'm probably your biggest fan. He's doing his stuff and you do yours with out further reference to him, he sounds undeserving. Go mighty Girl...

Their Dad is making that decision not op or her unhappy dc. It’s on his conscience. I would hope he would realise in time that his dc are the priority here not his lifestyle!

I’ve seen it loads, certainly enough to notice. It appears other posters have too.

You're not breaking up your family, he is...

I agree. ‘Everywhere is better than the U.K’ brigade, always out in force from their home towns of fifty years and perfect family set ups in the U.K. They don’t even acknowledge the actual lived experiences of those of us that have led an ex pat life. Australia can be brutal.

Yes, you're definitely being worked up on by degrees, it feels very controlling and subversive.

Well I’ve seen certain kinds of posters claim MNers think xyz countries are “utopias” at the expense of poor benighted Blighty. But I’ve never seen this actually being said.

In reality everyone knows every country has strengths and weaknesses.

Must be everyone else imagining it then.

Op my guess is your dh has nothing to lose by flexing that you can go back and he will see things out in Australia. He is very aware of the love you have for him, and your family values. He is putting this all on you and it’s very unfair.

In your place tell him you will go home with dc sooner rather than later, that you accept he might stay and you are happy to travel back and forth for the school holidays with him using all of his annual leave too so that you can all visit most months. Make an actual plan of how this would work. Summer holidays - 4 weeks in Australia, Christmas two weeks in either place. He comes for Easter - 2 weeks and October half term. This might be best compromise.

If it looks like you are serious and ready to compromise, and looking for solutions he might meet you in the middle by agreeing to come home after x period of time. It’s not now about IF you go home, but how you manage it. Be strong, be crystal clear and keep your eyes at all times on the passports.

You can’t fully trust him at this point, so I would be cautious, loving and firm. Open to solutions, but not ones that involve the continuation of yours and dc unhappiness.

You gave it your best shot op! It is okay to say it isn’t for you.

Is it that? Or is it evident that some posters realise that if DH stays to compete his training & OP comes home with her kids - the reality will be gut-wrenching for them. And that OP will have to work and put her kids in childcare. So the rose-tinted happiness she imagines may not materialise. And that that might not be right for OP either.

I definitely have. I’ve also posted evidence(from the relevant countries) when people say that X or Y doesn’t happen there, only in the UK, usually multiple sources, and I get crickets. But yes on this thread people seem absolutely determined that OP must/will learn to love Australia.

My feeling is he'll push for what he can get away with...what if your children naturalize and he pushes to then keep them there then? You may lose them as young adults which will be devastating and then you really stuck. Unless you can get family to come and help you'll be a one woman band forever. You'll also be giving the message that your needs and theirs are secondary to his wishes. Are you happy with all your desires being secondary to his? In perpetuity I mean? What about your work needs both now and in the future? These are the meaty questions rather than what you used to be like. It must be a terrible shock to take in the ease with which he has made that transition. I really feel for you OP.

If it’s not imagination then select some quotes with the following phrases: ‘utopia’, ‘paradise’, ‘Everywhere is better than the U.K’.

Sure you have. And this all happens on other threads right?

There’s a lot of black and white thinking on this thread.

Anyone who suggests she needs to give it a bit more time or that she owes it to her kids and her marriage to try to make it work at least in the short term - it’s because they think Aus is a utopia where x and y doesn’t happen. (What does x and y refer to btw?)

I'm getting the feeling that part of you is grieving what you had. You have to think now for your children and how how their needs and yours are being served here, it still feels like only one person's needs are being served which is hardly fair. It
Is a very traditional model and Australia is a very traditional country...

There’s no easy solution but personally for me being trapped in a country I wasn’t happy for the next(How many years. Possibly 18) would be about the worst case scenario. I’ve seen the impact it can have on friends. Yes her husband is important but so are her family and her happiness and I think that OP knows that it’s going to be difficult no matter what she chooses. I would not want to build my whole happiness around my husband because marriages break up and if OP’s does, which could happen on either side of the world then she may be left isolated in a place that she doesn’t like and with no family support which it sounds like she would have in the UK. Because that’s what happened to a friend. She’s stuck in Australia. No family support. No husband as they’re separating but she’s still stuck because of the kids in a country that she hates. So all of the downsides and no positives.

Yes I have. You are aware that not everyone experiences the same things, right? Just because you haven’t seen the posts doesn’t mean that they don’t exist, I’ve seen them on many other forums besides MN and at least one other poster has commented that she’s seen the same. Also we’ve had someone comment on this thread that Australia is presented as a paradise and wonder why some people choose to return.

As for X and Y, well various things but elderly abandonment is one of them.

I think it's important to listen to others experience but it's not the only dynamic. I'd be much more concerned about his deafness to OP,'s concerns and the level of selfishness displayed on his part. Most definitely a hard one.

Can you think realistically what your life will look like if you return to the uk without your DH? Is your pre-dc work easy to get back into? Could you move back to where your family are? Could you easily buy or rent back here?
My Dsis moved to Oz 20 years ago with her dh and their 1yr old. The first year she cried all the time wanting to come back. Difference was my bil was so supportive to her and promised that if after 2 years she felt the same then they would all come home but felt they had to give it a decent amount of time. She’s still there and loves it. She lives in SA. I hate her being so far away and due to £££ have only seen her twice in those 20 years. Whilst I know moving there has been the best thing for her and her little family it has had an adverse affect on our relationship. I miss her dreadfully. That 1yr old is now 20 and hates not having any blood family close by and this has caused many rows but equally knows their lifestyle would be very different here.
The thing is - you can’t go back. As in, even if you return your life and routines etc won’t be as they were before you left. People’s lives change in your absence. So what would your new life back in the uk look like?
For me - the pull of family back home would be too great. I would move to Oz tomorrow not for the lifestyle but to be near my dsis. I think she has coped because my bil is amazing and they support each other and they are a solid unit. I wonder if your need to get back to the uk is because deep down you don’t believe your dh is 100% there for you?

This is such an excellent post.
I'm also a bit aghast at the posts telling the OP to stick it out for just the next three years. Three years when your in a situation that is making you deeply unhappy might as well be eternity. But then it's so much easier to be blasé over someone elses life.

No I’m not aware that people have different experiences. And that hasn’t been my point for the entire thread.

You don’t seem to aware that comments can be interpreted in any but one way your own.

I see posters claiming that countries are presented as utopias when anyone dares to say something positive about a country other than the U.K. But unlike you I don’t take that at face value.

As for X and Y, well various things but elderly abandonment is one of them

And what does that refer to? Leaving grandma by the side of the road or taking care of older generations?

No people are not claiming it just because someone says something positive. Of course there are positives about Australia too(And most countries) but some of those positives are subjective and sometimes they don’t outweigh the negatives for someone like OP, no matter how much someone else may love them.

I could regale the NZ poster with tales of what I adore about the UK and try to convince her to stay but why would that be relevant to her? She’s experienced life here for herself and decided that it isn’t for her which is perfectly valid. That doesn’t make either of us wrong. One man’s meat is another man’s poison as they say.

Sometimes literally leaving them by the roadside but there are other forms of abandonment including not visiting at all which are a real problem in many countries, some of which have brought in legislation to try to deal with it, but no apparently everyone outside of the UK just looks after their elderly without qualm or question. Anyway that’s just one example of many but not really germane to the OP’s situation.