Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

Hi, yes I think you're absolutely correct in how he's feeling. I just hope we're enough for him to eventually go home. I was so naive to think I could do this and feel fine. I've made friends and we go camping and do activities with friends and I have really tried I've not just sat in the house. It's just all so scary worrying if I don't leave now I may be stuck here forever and I just can't take that. It's such a hard decision. If course I always usually put my little family first. And I will now. I won't run and leave him here. I'm hoping we can agree on a time limit and I've also been trying to find alternative courses back home for him

Thank you for replying. It really hurts that he's not thinking if us all in his decision. I know he likes it here and I'm so very sorry that I don't. Im in a panic now worrying that if I don't leave my little ones will become more invested eventually and then he won't allow us all to (with everyone's replies) prior to the replies this didn't enter my mind as he usually isn't like this and I wouldn't actually think he would stop me. I'm hoping we can agree to a time limit or a plan B

What is it you don’t like about being there?

agree. It’s all one sided .

Many things, I don't like how hot it is all the time. I do like the sun but with children I do find were indoors alot here which I didn't think about prior. I also think alot of people can be very rude. Obviously you do get some lovely people same as anywhere. The houses are expensive for what they are. I think the crime is worse than I originally expected. I also think making connections here is very difficult. I've gone way out of my comfort zone but still making really connections is hard. I do have friends though. I flew home also and found the flights so long. It made me realise just how far we were. This made me then realise that I don't want this forever. Seeing my children with family really hit home for me. My little family is always enough but I do love spending time with my children and their family.

How?.. every single day I put huge amounts of effort in to form connections for all of us. Every single day I look after our children in a country I'm unhappy in and still keep a smile on my face for them. Ive kept pushing through this for a year now and I've come to the point I'm struggling massively here which he has known for months but I promised id keep trying for a year. I wish I loved it and family didn't matter but they do. What would you suggest I do. Keep quiet and stay here forever forcing a smile. We always talk and be honest about how we feel here and have from the start.

Hot all the time? I'm confused by this. It's winter in Australia. Most of the country has been around 15-20 degrees this week. What state are you in?

Why's that?.. it's not all about him we moved here as a family and I'm the one who's the main parent for our children so does my mental health and wellbeing not matter?

It's nothing to do with seeing my mother during the day?.. you seem to know alot for someone who actually knows nothing. It's more than that. It's so much more... it's so my children can have grandparents and cousins and aunties and enjoy family gatherings and loved ones around rather than just a dad who works most of the time and a mum who is sad and also a little worn out. I'm not struggling being a SAHM. I've done it before. That part is fine..I'm struggling with being a SAHM in this country where I'm unhappy. As said previously we BOTH agreed childcare isn't for us! Not just me. I have an identity. I did work prior. I have hobbies. I just never have much time for them at the moment due to being a mum. I didn't choose to be a mum just to fob my babies off so I can have an "identity" the baby stage isn't forever and eventually I'll have my time so I'll soak up as much time with my children as I can thank you.

We never commited to anything that's the thing. We've always just played it by here.. taking it as it comes. None of us knew how we would feel. Unfortunately being here isn't something I want and I wish he felt the same or even understood.

Looking at it from a more practical pov @mummaAusUk what is your living standards like now compared to the uk before you left / what you will come back to ( if your partner comes with you ) . Do you currently have a better standard of living ?

Before we sold up no. I'd say it's worse so far. We had a much nicer cosy home. If we returned together we have savings to purchase another home as we didn't want to buy here until we knew we were happy.

Don’t feel guilty, OP. You said that you’d try it for a year and you have. Now he wants to change the goalposts. I think a lot of men assume(Or frankly just don’t care) that if they’re happy then their family is happy. They don’t look beyond their own feelings and because they feel fulfilled they don’t stop to consider if their Wife has everything that she needs particularly emotionally. This is often amplified when their Wife is a SAHM and again often when people move abroad. It’s usually the woman who is left with most of the drawbacks of moving abroad and fewer of the benefits and the man doesn’t try to make up for what she’s lost by moving. I’ve seen it happen to more than one friend whose husband kept moving the timeframe for returning only for it to never happen. And it isn’t as though they did anything to try to help their wives adapt. They just expected her to get on with it.

I don’t know why people are being so dismissive of your relationship with your family. It’s about so much more than just tea with your Mum. If you have a close loving extended family then there are a lot of benefits to that for you and the children and no, games over Zoom are no substitute, as I thought that lockdown would have taught us. And often it’s only when something happens(illness or death or even a new baby) to a family member that people realise how much they mean to them and what they’ve lost by being close to them.

Take the kids and go before he decides to be difficult about that. If neither were born there I don't think he can stop you taking them, but you don't need the hassle if he tries, so get yourself gone.

He's not a keeper if "living the dream" is more important to him than you are. Equally, your nuclear family, that you both created, should be your most important thing too, not the family you were born into.

You're not as close as you think and this move has exposed the cracks in your marriage - the fact that deep down neither of you is the other one's top priority. You both were probably happier before finding this out but now that you know, it's maybe not something you can ignore and pretend isn't so.

Was it supposed to be a permanent move or a time-limited thing? That would affect how I personally felt about it. That's irrelevant though because I'm not you.

All these experts who have never actually lived in Australia telling the OP how unreasonable she is and how fantastic the country is. Probably half have never even left the town they grew up in. I spent several years in Australia and while it was a great place to live (and I had family there) I did not want to stay for every. The flight was enough. 24 long hours to get back to the UK. It took a lot of courage to do it even once a year - especially with small children. Imagine trying to keep them amused for a whole day and night on a plane. It is also far from everywhere else. Air travel is expensive. The weather is unspeakably hot in the Summer and the spiders are bloody huge. If you miss England and your family then no amount of advice is going to make you suddenly love it.

A year was never realistic for move to Aus - that’s just a sabbatical - particularly given DH’s training is another 3 years.

To move countries you need to commit to 2-3 years minimum to set up your new life.

There’s a lot of stuff that OP could have considered before the move - the heat, distance from family, the length of the plane flight - these can hardly be a surprise. Surely you think those things through thoroughly before committing?

However much OP thinks it optimal to be around grannies and aunties and cousins - the most important people in their kids’ lives are their parents. I never personally gave a toot about my extended family. Nothing wrong with them - they’re all perfectly nice - but my parents and family friends are of far more importance.

The day you leave transfer half those savings into a UK account in your sole name OP, more than half if he's got a good pension and you haven't. You've got to treat this like a divorce because he's not coming back to visit from Australia often enough to keep this marriage alive regardless of what he says, and he's not going to spend the rest of his days celibate and loyal to you either or committed to DC he never sees. The minute you're on that plane, it's basically over.

What a ridiculous comment.🙄

Moving abroad is a bit like becoming a parent. You can try prepare for it, read about it, talk to others but the reality of it isn’t apparent until you’re in the midst of it.

Also it isn’t really relevant if you are or aren’t close to your extended family because OP has said that she is and even if she wasn’t, wanting to be close to her Mother is a valid enough consideration in itself.

Where are you in OZ OP? A few people have asked. North Queensland is awful for the humidity and floods. Inland in western OZ and some parts of the South are brutal for the heat.
Just say roughly the area where you are.. it surely will have some bearing on your experience so far.

("played it by here"
It's played it by ear 😉)

You won't be able to be a SAHM if you return to UK though OP, you'll be a single parent expected to work. Unless you're independently wealthy so don't need to. If you return I think you can forget all notions of him supporting you. That'll last 5mins before he changes his mind. He won't want to live the life of a pauper to support a family he never sees.

Hot all the time? I'm confused by this. It's winter in Australia. Most of the country has been around 15-20 degrees this week. What state are you in?

Oh come off it! This is a UK forum, you must have some ideas of the weather in Britain.
15-20 degrees is nice. If that's winter though, at least 3/4 of the year, probably more, is going to feel too hot to your average Brit.
25°C is nice if all you have to do is lounge around at the beach eating ice cream. It's not so great when you're at work, doing housework or having a day out somewhere requiring more clothes than a bikini.
Over 25°C is basically categorised as "too hot" for us, even if all we're doing is sprawling starfished on the sofa in front of a fan waiting for the heatwave to end. If we have to actually do anything involving moving at all, like running a home and child-wrangling for instance, it's fucking miserable.

Exactly. Mumsnet think that Australia, and France, are utter utopias and paradise to live in, even if they’ve only visited for a holiday. It’s odd.
Some posters get really angry when any problems in these countries are pointed out and people aren’t 100% kissing its arse, even when natives explain the issues, they think they know better.
You deserve happiness too OP, and you know your own mind.

This ⬆️

If.

He said something manipulative and cruel in the middle of his tantrum (fine, take the kids and go home) but would he really give permission for her to relocate with them?

Do they? I’ve never seen anyone say that of either or indeed any country.

Different strokes etc. 15-20 degrees is ideal for winter, not sure how it could be categorised as “too hot”. And 25C is nowhere near hot enough. I like it min 29C.

It’s evident here on this thread where people just cannot accept that Australia just isn’t right for the OP. But i’ve seen it on numerous other threads too.