Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

I don't disagree

It must be very hard to make the decision but he’s clearly told you that his own happiness is more important than staying with you and the DC. I would start making the arrangements to leave now.

Ok, my 25 years there is obviously out of date. I bow to your superior knowledge of recent events. 🙂

I would be completely pissed of if I was him. He sees your family unit and you him and the kids.

You see you as an extension of your family.

You also are struggling being a SAHM and want to consider moving your children half way across the world away from their father so you can have company from your mother during the day.

Your life is set in your four walls while he works because you have choosen that. Get a job even part time.

Form something other than your motherhood as your identity.

Because if you leave the reality is its looking like you will be doing so as a single mother so how likely is you won't have to work in the UK?

He is doing what you committed to doing by the choices you made. He is now in a training programme for three more years. Honestly I think if I had to give that up so my DH could have tea with my MIL a few times a week I would be very frustrated.

Australia is far from the idyllic place people think it is. Talk to your partner.

It takes five years to settle from my experience. When the Civil Service send people to work abroad they stay for only three years to stop them going native.
I moved to another EU country many years ago and then on to China. I did not feel so bad as some of the UK/USA mothers there as I was used to being away from my UK birth place.

You’ve been there 20 years and call the ocean the sea? Really? 🤔

One could equally argue you’ve painted an overly negative portrait.

CoL is entirely dependent on where you live. I live in an expensive bit of London thus Sydney housing costs are very similar as is grocery shopping.

Nor is there simply one type of education in Aus. Arguably there’s more affordable choice. Private schools are very much cheaper thus within the means of many - nearly 40% of children in Aus are in private system without the class divide prevalent in the U.K. So if the local state school doesn’t suit your child, there are feasible alternatives.

Heat - I love heat so the heat doesn’t bother me. Lifestyle in high summer is comparable to any other hot country. Average temperature in Sydney midwinter (June) is 18 degrees.

I do know a couple where the wife had a chance to study abroad for a few years, so they were long distance for a few years. They are both back here now.

It's a risk of course, but how would it be if you (say), said you'd stay until whenever is a logical time to move back school year wise, and DH comes back to the UK for as long as his leave allows (say a month over Christmas?) and you and the kids go to Aus for the whole of the summer holidays. At Easter meet somewhere in Asia (ie halfway) for a few weeks.

If you stayed in Aus for a while longer and he came back after his training, it might only be like that for a couple of years?

@Whatado sums it up. You and your husband made a commitment for the benefit of your family unit and you are reneging on that commitment already.
Your 8 year old is almost certainly picking up on your unhappiness and is more than likely feeling torn. Does the child understand if you do return to UK, Dad will be remaining behind?
If you decide to return to UK do it sooner rather than later. Your children need and deserve to be the primary focus of your decision making not your need to be closer to your family.

Australia does have seas and apparently no one told Visit Melbourne that they can’t use the word sea.

Where are you?

My DD lives in Aus. We visited last year and did a road trip. I'm not that keen on where she and her DH have settled, but just a short drive up the coast, it was a different vibe altogether, and I fell in love with those towns. Just wondering whether a move within Aus might be an option.

@mummaAusUk it’s probably not just the job, he may well like the lifestyle and weather . It’s one reason ) and I’m 63) that Aus for me never appealed - would rather move to Spain, as I prefer the vibe and could pop back multiple times a year or nip to Amsterdam, Rome, Copenhagen - wherever quite easily .

Is he Doctor doing GP training ? If so I understand, it’s difficult to get a training number that isn’t in the back end of nowhere and only getting more difficult here!

Are you working ? It’s always easier to meet people when you are working ?

I do think OP you should give it 3 years and then re evaluate . If you are very very family minded I don’t think you should have agreed to it in the first place , however as you are now there it’s an issue - as you will be stuck there if he won’t come back - or agree to you coming back on your own with kids -

Yes. I live on Port Philip Bay, which we call the sea if we speak of going to the beach, though it is probably technically not that. It is not the ocean at all. Now I think of it, we call the ocean side "the back beaches".

That explains it. Our expat relations down under are always telling us off for calling the ocean the sea.

We have friends and relations in Melbourne, Adelaide, north of Brisbane and have been to Sydney and port Douglas. Their experiences of Australia are quite different from each other, especially our relation in Queensland. Melbourne isn’t really all that different to the UK and one friend who relocated there was pretty depressed at how not-different it was. He moved up north for a few years and that was much more of a new experience.

They’ve all been out there for years now.

Raised on a yacht by grandparents one of whom was a merchant navy maneho put out to sea in the Pacific Ocean on a daily basis. Always called the sea the sea among seafaring folk. Not sure what kind of Aussie fuckery this is but am intrigued.

It seems clear that your DP loves the life out there. It isn’t just his job, he says he can pursue his hobbies. If he doesn’t want to go back to UK now, he will be even more reluctant in 3 years time. I think, OP, you have to realise he is staying in Aus, no matter what.
You have to decide whether you can stick it out and make a life in Aus permanently, and that keeping your nuclear family together is the most important thing for you, or whether being back in the UK and sharing your life and your children with your parents and extended family is more important. Only you can decide, but if it’s being with extended family then as others say you need to go now. If it’s to stay with your DP you need to resign yourself to it now too. But your replies suggest you really can’t do that. Thousands of other people have returned because they couldn’t do it either, don’t judge yourself too harshly if that is you. Your mental well-being matters too.

Oof, the fact that he’s willing to live so far from his kids tells me all I need know about how horribly selfish your partner is. He’s really shown you his true colours and that he’ll put himself above everyone, including his kids. He is his only priority I’m afraid, and I dread to think what would happen to you if something awful happened and you needed his unselfish support and you were stuck so far away from your support network. Hard as it would be, I think moving back to the UK will be the best course of action for you.

my brother emigrated to the USA over twenty years ago with his (now ex) wife and 4 kids.
he was the instigator of the move as it had always been his dream. They bought a business and a lovely home but unfortunately after about 8 years they split up. The split was a lot harder than it would have been if it had happened in the UK, even trying to get half the money took years through the Courts. Eventually he came to realise he and especially his children were really missing out on their Grandparents, cousins friends & other relatives who they were very integrated with before they left. Our mum (children’s grandmother ) had a massive stroke and became disabled and couldn’t ever visit the USA to see them and ex wife’s Parents ended up in a nursing home. My brother said with hindsight he realised it was selfish of him to drag his family away from our parents, his siblings and cousins and he wished he’d just taken them out there for a long holiday instead . He said his children will never have the memories we’ve got as kids at holiday times, Christmas’s or anytime of visiting relatives and making their own memories. Unfortunately he unexpectedly passed away a year ago (he was only 60) and his fear was if he passed his kids would only have his ex wife until she passes and no other family members to look out for his kids! As he told me many times before he passed yes they had a nice life over there and probably had more material possessions than they would of had they had stayed here, but it wasn’t all rainbows & unicorns and as life is so short he would in hindsight of preferred that they had a life of memories with relatives . I also know even though my Mum waved him off with a smile on her face when he left that underneath it absolutely broke her heart saying goodbye to him and his children, mine too!
Please think long and hard if you’ve taken your children away from Grandparents and other relatives as the grass is not always greener on the other side!

@Behaveyourself88 wow, thats sad. When I was overseas (in the UK) I used to see my neighbour's dc, dgc, etc visiting and it made me think of my dp.

I love that my dc now have family around. GP, cousins, aunties and uncles.

It really depends on your family.

My cousin emigrated to the US and has never looked back. He worked in the corporate world, set up his own business, met his lovely wife. They have a great life there in a much bigger house with more land than they would get in London.

My aunt died when my cousins were in their teens and my uncle was a bit of loon, so he wasn’t particularly close to his dad. They’re very close to his wife’s lovely family though - she has 2 sisters as well and her parents.

They visit every year or two and their siblings go out to see them so there have been plenty of family times.

He is my most important person other than my children. Me missing family doesn't take away what he means to me. I can miss them and still love him. We always moved here knowing that we didn't know how long for and it was a trial for all of us.

Yes we decided together but then had a second child and unfortunately Ive realised that the sun and life style here isn't enough to make my children missing out on family worth it. It was always unknown to how we would feel here. Unfortunately I thought he would understand but he's so fixated on his job that he doesn't see past that.