Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

No, she just doesn't like living in Australia

Both can be true.

I am worried for OP being encouraged to make the best of things when her partner is so self absorbed and unsupportive. Add in young kids and no support network...

She is in a really tough situation and she appears to have the possibility of escape - for now. It may be that he opposes her leaving even if she tries now though.

Presumably OP was as enthusiastic as partner initially or she wouldn't have gone? Being a single parent in the UK won't be a bed of roses.

I wouldn’t assume so. There’s usually one person who is much more excited about it and one who is apprehensive or less excited but even if she was it’s not really relevant because the idea of it and the reality of life there are two very different things imo and she’s very unhappy now.

So you want to leave Australia, break up the family.move away from the childrens Dad to be a single parent in the UK .I mean do you work ? Will you have somewhere to live? will you have much less disposable income? That scenario doesn't sound very attractive. If you arrive back to a cold wet / uk straight away it will feel a lot harder. I mean what will you say to your kids in the future. Broke up their family as couldn't put uo with a warm beach side place for another year ? . Do you love him ? It could well happen you arrive home and you regret it. That happens too

Another year? He might not allow OP to leave in another year. That’s the point. She has an out now. For how much longer I don’t know. A friend’s husband did the same, he kept moving the goalposts, just another year, Let’s make it 3, then until we get citizenship. Then he refused to allow her to leave. She’s still trapped there ten years later because she has young children. And no it doesn’t happen every time but it’s depressingly common when you read British Expats and similar.

It takes a while to settle into a new country and if you’re a SAHM it must be even more isolating. It is tough but you need to either give it your best shot and say you’ll give it another year, or move home - otherwise you’ll never make a go of it if your heart is in England.

She already answered most of your questions.

Yes that’s right. She does want to leave Australia.

I take it that you live twelve thousand miles and a twenty six hour flight away from your extended family and friends and you are absolutely thriving but that’s not something that the OP wants to do.

Perhaps she doesn’t want to stay with her husband just for money and which is something that you must have done to be so sure that she should do this.

And maybe she would rather be rained on than be unhappy every day.

Unlike you I am guessing.

You would rather be sad living as an immigrant as long as it’s not raining and this must be something that you are doing to be so very sure that the OP should.

I'm always curious why people who move from the UK to Aus come back, I mean aside from the obvious (missing family and friends). We are brought up to think of Australia as paradise compared to Britain.

Not all of us are though . I’m late 50s and I’ve never thought of Australia as some paradise but that might be because I’ve always had a very outdoor life here , which is possible you just need to dress accordingly . When you watch programmes like ‘new life down under’ , it is sold as you get all this extra family time but you don’t in reality because you still have to work etc it’s just the same grind as here but in a better climate ( if you like hot weather) .

But it isn’t paradise.I think that Wanted Down Under has a lot to answer for. I could tell you what a returning friend and what a friend who would love to return, dislike but the answers would be different for everyone. It has its problems just like anywhere and there are things to dislike about it, just like anywhere. Plenty of wonderful things too but there’s no one place that works for everyone.

Is potentially being a single parent in Australia a bed of roses then?

Where’s better to be a single parent? In the UK with family support or in Oz with none but hey she has sunshine.

I'm a Kiwi and have never thought of Aussie in a particularly positive light. I still think its medium to long-term prospects are markedly brighter than the UK's. But what matters is what the OP thinks and where she can live securely, and get back to work, with her kids with her. She is in a precarious position if her husband retracts permission. If he realises his little mememe strop hasn't changed her feelings, though, it may turn out that he will not give permission anyway.

So you want to stay in Australia, break up the family. away from the childrens Mum for her to be a single parent in the UK .I mean will they have somewhere to live? Will you all have any disposable income if you separate? That scenario doesn't sound very attractive. If you stay back in Aus with no wife, children, extended family or friends straight away it will feel a lot harder. I mean what will you say to your kids in the future. Broke up their family as couldn't emotionally support their mother as MY 'dreams' trumped all your emotional distress? Do you love her ? It could well happen you stay on and you regret it. That happens too.

The problem is that there isn’t an option with an optimal outcome.

Doesn’t sound like DP will agree to go home; if he did he would be angry & resentful.

So OP is either in Aus with the things she doesn’t like; or in the U.K. as a single mum to 2 kids.

OP is currently a SAHM because she’s “not willing to put her kids in childcare”, which is understandable; but she will have no choice but to put them in childcare in the U.K. because she will have to work.

OP feels isolated where she is (not clear if that’s a location issue or simply a SAHM issue); but being a working single parent is isolating too.

I’d go home the reality is that he doesn’t care whether you are happy or not as long as he gets his way. Not really a partnership I’d like to be in. Relationships are full of compromise, but it doesn’t seem like he’s willing to compromise at all, whereas you’ve tried it his way.

Your mental health is more important than his career, than staying together for the sake of the kids (you should never ever do this! It's not fair on children to grow up in an unhappy home.) After what he said, it's clear he doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. If he had not said what he said, I would encourage you to start a coffee morning, a book group, a hobby, your own career etc...but now? Leave him. Go home, make your own happiness and independence. You are not a walking, talking womb to be subdued by a man and follow him blindly for his own happiness. You also deserve to have a career, happiness, empowerment, and someone who treats you like a Queen.

“I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge”

You’re posting on MN because you don’t want to be judged. Are you mad?

I was your DP. That is,after moving, I didn't want to move back. In my case, my DP decided to stay, but he had an out, and I couldn't have held it against him (not him, me).
Essentially, if it's not the life for you, and you can't see a happy compromise, move back. Life's too short. And you have one life.

The longer OP stays the more rooted the dc will become and that's definitely something to consider.
Another year is worth considering. Take some classes, ie enrol at a uni, meet people with shared interests and you might change your mind. Tell your partner you'll try another year. But, if you truly cannot manage it then tough choices need to be made. If you cannot bear trying then choices need to be made sooner rather that later.

@mummaAusUk
Is he worried about hurting you?
Is he worried about making you sad?
His comment has pulled the rug from under your feet. Your security has been removed in sentence. He puts himself first. Don't risk being stuck there forever.

I completely get it. We lived in NZ for 2 years (even further away than Oz!) and had a great time but never really settled. It really struck home how far away we were whe my darling Nan was ill and I had to accept the reality that I just couldn't "pop" home. So expensive to get anywhere, even Oz.
You may enjoy Yr 2 more than Yr 1 as a large part of Yr 1 is spent finding your feet. You may settle more if you work also - not sure if you do? And as time goes on he may find that the career options are very limited over the UK, we certainly found that. Anyway, you need to talk more and he needs to listen more. As your parents/grandparents age and your children grow, the distance from your family will feel greater imo.

OP has to think that her DCs are unsettled because they are picking up that their DM is unsettled. Children settle quickly and enjoy the Aussie outdoor healthy lifestyle and equality.
First consideration should be them.

When emigrating there has to be absolute determination to settle in their new life by both parties. No matter how bad the homesickness. It’s a new start to a new life.

Too many Brits whinge and return to the UK and then regret it and go back to Oz. And the children may be resentful if they don’t settle back in the UK.

It’s almost certain OPs DP will stay in OZ and build a successful life.

Can OP envisage how bitter and resentful he could be if he can’t settle back in the new UK

The first year is always really hard bless you, it takes a while to build up friends and a community around you to reach out and make connections for now, it’s a shame your partner doesn’t understand that’s obviously not helping but the life in Australia is so much better than the UK maybe your family could visit. It’s all about meeting people and making friends, and a life if your mindset is I don’t wanna be here that’s the energy you put out. And settling isn’t gonna be easy they say that it takes three years but you have to put in the effort. I do appreciate what you’re saying. I would hate to be separated from my family but at the same time if my son said he wanted to move to Australia. I’d be totally behind that decision because there’s so much better than the UK.