Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

No I don't need support as such I can manage..I would just really like the support and also for my little ones to get to enjoy being with family as we are very family orientated.. unfortunately I didn't think I would feel this way until arriving and let's just say I've learnt a lot in these past few months

This. ^ Go home @mummaAusUk You sound so sad and blue, and your posts are making me feel teary. I can't imagine what it would be like to be isolated 10,000 miles from home, on the other side of the world, with no family (other than my DC who are also unhappy,) no support, no-one to talk to, no friends, and no work either so not even any work colleagues. Have any neighbours tried to connect with you/speak to you? Have you spoke to them?

It would have upset me so much being stuck in Australia with my young DC, with my parents, and siblings, and cousins, and aunts, and uncles, and grandparents, and friends, and nieces and nephews, and neighbours, (and my whole life and my whole past,) back in the UK.

This has never happened to me, but I feel your pain ... I think you need to come home. JMO. As some posters have said, what rights will you even have if your partner leaves you for another woman? You have no job, you're not married to him, you will very likely be stranded and in penury, and he may be able to stop you taking the children back to the UK.

Leave NOW while he is saying you can go with them. It is not a given, that your children will have a better life in Australia than in the UK, (as a pp said.) You sound very close to your family back in the UK, and I think you are going to struggle to settle in Australia. In fact, you may never do.

It would have killed me especially - to have moved away from my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, and grandparents. My family are working class, and not rich, and they could never have afforded to travel to see us. As I said, it's impossible to keep the connection, and still be a big part of your family's life when you're on the other side of the planet. (In fact it's hard to be a part of it at all...) No matter what people say, things are never the same again, when you move abroad multiple 1000s of miles away (to live.)

I thought I'd be fine I never expected to feel this way. I've learnt so much about my self. I think if I'd have come here before children I'd have probably been fine. Seeing them around family has really made me realise what they are missing and how much they adore them

I said no family other than your DC - because your DP is acting NOTHING like 'family..

Thank you for your kind words. Yes I have made friends and really tried making connections but it just doesn't help. I do have days that I enjoy when I try out my worries and feelings aside and feel okay but I still know in my heart that this isn't my forever. Some days I go all day with just my baby until my partner comes home but then he's sleepy from work so I still have to continue the parenting mostly alone. It's just so isolating and mostly lonely.

It does worry me that one day if anything happened with us that I'd be stuck here alone with no family due to the children. He doesn't have the same pull to home as me unfortunately. We are supposed to be getting married next year also. It's just really effected me this move more than I ever realised it would and I think he doesn't understand how much and just thinks I'm being selfish and wanting to ruin his dreams

Sorry I missed it.

You're right having a small child is a huge strain on any relationship and obviously that's happening at the same time.

I have tried hard to imagine that but even then I can't seem to ever imagine me being fully happy. I can still imagine myself missing home. We will never have a support network here unfortunately which gives us free time for our relationship which we had back home..

Hi there, 15 years in sydney, same here travelling with my now ex husband. I can’t leave as my child is happy and this is his home.

I totally understand how you feel, however part of the problem is giving yourself an out.

as brutal as it sounds you almost have to surrender to the idea that this is now where you live and will do for the next 3 years.

if you always have that ‘option’ in the back of your mind, you never really fully commit emotionally.

Ive had bouts of crippling homesickness, and you just have to throw yourself into finding your people, over the years ive had many close friends make the move back, it feels like a kind of grief, which is also what you are feeling for the life you left behind.

allow it, find a good therapist to help, join some community groups and work on creating a new family here.

where in Australia are you, I’m happy to talk, and if you’re in sydney I can recommend some things that could help.

other posters are right, if you leave, it will possibly end your marriage, you will either resent him so much, you can’t recover or you will just move in different directions.

In 3 years time it’s going to be even harder to leave and her partner may not allow her to do so. What’s wrong with having an out?

A friend moved to Australia 2 years ago and is now returning because it isn’t for her. She didn’t hate it and is glad that she had an interesting experience but she is happier in the UK. The shaming from people whom she’s told has been insane. Is there something about Australia that makes it so impossible for people to believe that some people will never be happy there? It isn’t perfect and it isn’t for everyone yet some people seem convinced that everyone will love it if they only give it more time. And yes that can work for some but sometimes you just know that a place will never be right for you and that you’ll never make your peace with living there. Not in 3 years or 10.

There should be no shame in admitting that living somewhere isn’t right for you. And yes there are no easy decisions here but OP wants to be with her family and there’s a lot to be said for that and she knows that she isn’t going to settle and be content in Australia, no matter how content her husband may be.

The stand alone comment from him that you are ruining his dreams make him sound pretty selfish, not sure I’d be happy with life if I knew my DH was miserable.
You’re not married and it doesn’t sound like his mindset is to put you first, your youngest isn’t much more than a baby.
Had I been in your shoes I wouldn’t have gone, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
As I said in my previous comment I would come home and see what happens, you don’t have to stay here forever but I can see why you are homesick given the age of your smallest.

Thank you for your understanding.

Yes I think I find his words so selfish and then I wonder if it's just me..I don't want to hurt him or make him sad but I can't stay with the pressure of this possibility of it being forever and I could be trapped.

1. what to your parents think? Do they think you returning home is a good idea?
2. They know you - are they telling you to get to work making a life for yourself in Oz. Get involved w kids school, activities. Look for Brit expat group. Part time volunteer or paid job. Find a babysitter.
3. or are parents saying come home, we’ll take care of you?

I was the trailing partner, it’s hard work but it was great experience for the kids. My family flew in to see me and we had great time exploring & my mother never would have travelled without my move. It’s a great shared experience now.

My opinion, if you leave because you miss family and familiar surroundings … your relationship will end. You think it’s him being selfish & not loving you, but you both agreed to this move, and you are leaving. It’s you leaving. As a couple, you started the journey - you are the one leaving … because you miss your family. He is not enough for you.

I posted earlier, and firmly believe that you can change your currently negative view. You can change your feelings, you can survive and thrive without your parents, you can make new friends, you can be happy with what you have, you can grow and thrive. You are a life partner and mother, you can do this in Oz.

@mummaAusUk Where are you, if you don’t mind me asking? Perhaps someone can give you ideas about things to do.

I agree and that's what's so scary for me..if I wait 3 years who knows then how the kids will feel and I know for sure he will still love it here. So I will definitely be trapped. That's what's making me want to run home even more so. The pressure of this being forever is too much.

I've offered to move somewhere closer to home or even home and for him to continue to study wherever we go but he's not really being helpful with any ideas.

My parents obviously say they will help if I return home but also say maybe try another few months until I'm in a clear head space.

My family have been and visited it was lovely.

Thank you for your positivity.. i do think yes I could be okay here and the kids could be if I always had the option to return whenever but I worry that if I stay and did want to leave I'll end up trapped. And the thought of that is terrifying.

Partner already doesn't want to leave imagine an extra year or two and then the children are settled too.. how would I even manage to convince him then? I honestly can't see this as my forever place..I can see it as it's nice for now and home is where I'd want to be eventually

You have answered your own question, you find the idea of staying ‘terrifying’ - that is how you feel, and I can tell you now that it won’t get any better. It IS likely you will become trapped. Once everyone is settled, eventually they will, you won’t be able to leave.

This. Get out now before he refuses permission to let the children leave.

Some days I go all day with just my baby until my partner comes home but then he's sleepy from work so I still have to continue the parenting mostly alone. It's just so isolating and mostly lonely.

That would be the same in the U.K. though. Being a SAHM is isolating and dull wherever you do it.

But in the Uk she would be surrounded by what sounds like supportive family

That's true but I would see family and have support from family where here I don't get any really.

*as brutal as it sounds you almost have to surrender to the idea that this is now where you live and will do for the next 3 years.

Ive had bouts of crippling homesickness, and you just have to throw yourself into finding your people, over the years ive had many close friends make the move back, it feels like a kind of grief, which is also what you are feeling for the life you left behind.
allow it, find a good therapist to help,*

Jesus why on earth would anyone subjugate their emotional well-being like this? For what exactly - beaches and sunshine? If you are this crushed @mummaAusUk your own DCs especially the little one will sense and absorb your depressed and preoccuied state and they will become anxious. Yes it is brutal and it seems likely that the relationship isnt going to sustain this emotional toll so the OP needs to ask where would she be best placed to be raising two DCs alone.

I totally understand how you feel, however part of the problem is giving yourself an out.

I disagree. Part of the solution is giving yourself and out - one where you know you and your DCs will thrive emotionally - its up to you OH if he wants to be part of that.

If he has another 3 years training your oldest will be at the worst age to move again - you will be stuck as they going through high school and because of the large age gap with your DCs you will have to face that all again.

What are your OH's hobbies that he cant do in the UK? Do these also take him away from the family unit at evenings and weekends? You talk about extended family support - how much actual time and effort does your OH commit daily and weekly to support his own little family unit?

Follow your gut. Life’s too short to be trapped where you don’t want to be. I went to Australia when younger and understand the attraction. Now I’m older with children, I’m so glad I didn’t stay there. My family live elsewhere in the UK and it’s difficult enough here at times, not having them close by. I’d absolutely hate to be in Australia now as it would be impossible to help my elderly parents.
We sadly lost a close family member last year and it’s really made me appreciate having the family we still have

Essentially - DH is happy where he is; and you were happy in the U.K. It doesn’t sound like he wants to leave any more than you want to stay. If you stay you say you will be unhappy and homesick; if he returns to the U.K. he will be unhappy and resentful. So your options are either staying and working at your life in Aus, or splitting and coming home.

I don’t see that one side is more or less selfish than the other tbh, you just want different things.

Jesus why on earth would anyone subjugate their emotional well-being like this? For what exactly - beaches and sunshine?

For the benefits of a great new life and opportunities that aren’t available at home. I know loads of people who moved countries; I’ve lived abroad for some time. People experience phases of homesickness but that wears off and is more than compensated by the benefits of whole new life, new friends, and a different environment.

So many people on MN can’t even leave their village. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Is PND a possibility, OP?

OP this is your escape hatch. I won't stay open forever.

The longer you stay the less likely it is that you can easily leave. It will be beneficial to your DP if you keep giving it another six months, another year, three years etc/ In that time, your children will be settled. Then it doesn't matter if you are or not. Your options are almost crippled at that point.