To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

Did you miss the bit where he does bugger all at home or with the kids he already has and is working all the time and she's exhausted? That despite all that he'd want her to keep it and 'won't take it well' if she tells him she can't keep it? By not telling him she's protecting their existing family FFS.

It really won’t! If you get termination pills from a charity like Marie Stopes (now MSI) you don’t have to give them permission to tell your GP and you never have to mention it to your GP. Besides which, why would your medical records ever be seen by your husband?

Agree. If it’s early days and you take termination pill then it might feel like just having a heavy period and not really feel like a “big thing” for you. However if terminating will feel like a massive big deal for you, then keeping it a secret might eat away at you and cause more harm than the upset he’ll feel about knowing you’re terminating. Perhaps telling him will also be a good way to reset the balance of work in your marriage, if he realises you would rather terminate than take on more work, he might have a realisation that he needs to do more?

I came on to say exactly what @Lafufufu said. I think she's right.

Haven’t read the ft but is it too late for the morning after pill. I took that twice and it didn’t feel like as big a thing as a termination.

It doesn’t come up if you go through the abortion charities as opposed GP.

It’s completely your choice OP. You don’t have to tell him. He doesn’t have that right.

And sometimes we omit information to protect others. This will make him unhappy. And what for. It’s not going to change the outcome.

You have a right to do what you feel is right for you and your family. It's your body after all. But he also has a right to know. Keeping secrets and telling lies are the beginning of the end of marriages.

Why can't you just tell him what you just wrote for us, your reasons behind your decision? Tell him this is for his information only and your decision is non-negotiable.

It is ultimately your decision OP. Its your body. If this was me and I was in your shoes, I'd have an early termination without telling a soul! No hesitation. If I dont anticipate support from DH, I WILL NOT say anything.
Please dont judge, am just telling my truth snd honesty. Thank you.

OP, just bear in mind that pps characterising an early pregnancy as ‘a child’ and darkly implying that a termination is inevitably some kind of loaded, life-changing event are coming from a very specific and extreme position. Those are not standard, balanced views.

Women can do what they choose with their bodies, even within marriage, and opting out of a third pregnancy is very much not the equivalent of shagging a colleague. I mean, that kind of thinking is fully off the rails

Why dont you call the British Pregnancy Advisory Service and talk it over with them? They've heard it all and will support you.

Thinking of you.

https://www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/advice-and-counselling/

Is he is any way abusive? If not I would tell him but say it is your body so your decision. Might be better to get through it together.

If it’s early on I’d just get the abortion pills and not tell him. He should never need to see your medical records so if you’re okay with keeping it from him then do what is best for you. If you need a surgical termination I’d probably tell him because of the potential for complications and also you would be out of action for a bit. But I see early pill based termination as no different from the MAP and I definitely wouldn’t feel the need to tell my DP if I’d got the MAP.

I can hear how overwhelmed and exhausted you are — looking after two little ones mostly on your own is no small thing, and I don’t think anyone can truly understand that mental and physical load unless they’ve lived it. But I have to be honest, I don’t agree with keeping something this huge from your husband. A decision like this affects both of you, and he deserves to know. I say this with love: I’ve spent years trying for another baby, so it's really hard for me to understand choosing to end a pregnancy in secret. I know you're in a hard place, but I don’t think secrecy is the answer. You deserve support and so does he.

I don't think he has a 'right' to know. It's your body, you are the one who has to go through pg and birth and you are the one who will bear the brunt of raising another child.
What good would it do anyway? If you are set on not going ahead with the pregnancy, it would just make him sad and put additional pressure on you that you don't need!
I would say not to make a snap decision though, since you say that ideally you would have liked another child. I think your husband needs to be doing much more to support you - so many men want lots of children but aside from going to work, do very little to actually look after them! I think men who leave all the childcare to their wives, lose the 'right' to any opinion on how she raises them, and how many kids the family has!

Beat case scenario is that you tell him and he is supportive of termination. Worst case scenario is that you tell him and he wants the baby and you have a termination and the you deal with the fallout. Could be a divorce or could be something you work through.

Alternative best case scenario is that you take the pill like you would a plan b and never tell him. Alternative worst case scenario is that he finds out and you then deal with that fallout.

I'm throwing an Alternative into the mix. I'm not saying lying is the way to go but maybe since you've been on birth control you could say that there are significant risks of ectopic etc. Pregnancy so termination is the best option.

Also I don’t get the “he has a right to know” thing. Why does he? It’s not his decision or his body. The choice is ultimately entirely yours. It doesn’t matter what he thinks. So if he wants you to keep it and you want an abortion, the correct course of action is an abortion. If you both want an abortion, then that’s the right course of action but only because that’s what you want, his view is not in any way decisive.
So I can’t see why he would have a right to know about a decision that is personal to you. I wouldn’t see it as deceit either. He’s not the one carrying the baby or doing the work. If he was, it would be his choice.
If you insist on telling him, he might guilt trip you either into having a child you don’t want or he might hold it over you and bring up that you aborted “his” baby.

So I fell pregnant on the pill with my 4th boy and honestly I was so guttered because I had lost 3 stone and I was at my happiest, I knew I had to tell my partner keeping secrets like this is huge! We were both flabbergasted but we both stuck together and my DS is 3yrs old now and we couldn't think of him not being in our lives.

Tell your Husband I know it's difficult but he needs to know, keeping a secret so big can cause all types of arguments and problems, it's entirely in your ball court.

If you are certain that you can do this with no support then don't tell him. It seems you are 100% certain that you don't want to go ahead with the pregnancy and it would be wrong for him to try and talk you into it particularly as all the childcare is on you.

Well actually a relationship based on deception and lies - even lies of omission- isn't a relationship worth having imo.

Of course it's OP's body and ultimately it's her choice if she doesnt want to go ahead with the pregnancy.

But it takes two make a baby and OP's H is very much involved in this situation already. He deserves the right to know.

And if their marriage is worth anything the way forward needs to be discussed. If ultimately OP has the abortion and he isn't happy about it then so be it. But at least their marriage remains a partnership of equals and not one party making a unilateral decision in secrecy.

OP it will not be on your medical record if you go through someone like BPAS, you can ask for it not be shared with you GP.

How is the entire relationship “based” on her taking some pills? Clearly it’s not - it’s just something she chooses not to tell her husband and no you don’t need to tell your spouse absolutely every thought or action. If she was actually secretly married to someone else then I could buy that the relationship is based on lies but choosing not to tell your spouse about something doesn’t invalidate the whole relationship - it just means you didn’t tell them something.
What good will it do anyway? It would potentially upset him if he wants to keep the baby (that he won’t look after or birth). Or it might break the family up if he’s anti abortion.

@FlourSugarButter "But he also has a right to know." No, he doesn't. This is the legal position in the UK:

When the mother is pregnant the father does not have any rights to contact or to make decisions relating to the pregnancy.
The mother does not need the father’s consent to:

• Terminate a pregnancy
• Receive medical treatment
• Travel abroad

The father does need the mother’s consent to:

• Access medical records relating to the pregnancy
• Attend medical appointments with the mother, even those that directly relate to the pregnancy, such as scans
• Be present at the birth or notified of the birth
• Visit the mother and baby in the hospital after the mother has given birth

The mother automatically obtains parental responsibility on the birth of the child. A father cannot have parental responsibility for a child until after the child is born.

So if he finds out and feels the lack of honesty mean’s he can no longer continue in the relationship. Are his reasons for leaving valid?

It is not his child. It is a few of his cells which have accidentally come together with a few of her cells to form an embryo which has the potential to become their child if she wishes to continue her pregnancy (which she doesn't, currently) and also to derail their current life plans, which her adult female bodily autonomy absolutely takes precedence over.

OP, in an ideal world, all the work of childbearing and rearing wouldn't all be down to you.

Maybe this is an opportunity to change things. Would you be able to discuss with your husband your current situation as a hypothetical. Maybe start with, 'I am worried that the pill isn't 100% effective. Would you consider getting a vasectomy? Or if I were to fall pregnant accidentally, how would you step up to help with childcare so that I could have the baby, just postponing my plans to return to work for a couple of years? Or do you think it would be better all round if I had an abortion as I know I couldn't continue as I am, doing it all if I had a third dc. What do you think?' or something. Not in one whole block obviously but as a series of talking points.

His response might help you decide. If he would accept an abortion, tell him. You get his support and there are no secrets between you.

If he can commit to some useful changes that he can make to support you with a third dc then maybe you could continue the pregnancy but it is absolutely your choice and I guess that the way this hypothetical conversation goes will also be a big help in deciding whether you trust him to support you in the case that you still choose an abortion.

Bonus points if you ask him to put some of these changes into force right away as carrying it all is going to cause you to burn out if nothing changes.

If he doesn't bring anything useful to the table (no changes, no vasectomy and no support for an abortion) then I think he is controlling your reproductive rights and you are absolutely right to keep your abortion a secret. You might also want to look at any other ways that he is controlling you and ask him to commit to some couples counselling in the future to work on these issues.

Notice, I did not take up the familiar MN cry, 'Leave the controlling bastard!' Sometimes our partners need help to see things from both sides.

Good luck, OP. A lot of people are rooting for you to achieve the best outcome for yourself and your family. Come back for more support and to tell us how it goes. Wishing you well.

I support you in not telling him OP.

From your posts that sounds like it would be the best thing for your existing children. And they matter more than anything.

Wishing you all the best. If you decide not to tell him I would also not tell any friends or family. Seek support through counselling instead