To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

No, niece was early 20s.

I disagree that he has a 'right to know'. If there was a child he would have a right to know. But there isn't yet. He has no automatic right to know any medical information about the OPs body or medical procedures. Is my view on the moral aspect.

On a pragmatic note, what will telling him achieve? Upset and resentment and won't change the outcome. Unless he is going to magically start stepping up as an equal parent eg sharing pat leave, doing his share of night wakes and parenting his other two children.

In my view he opted out of being an equal parent so doesn't get an equal chance to share his opinion, particularly if its not going to be constructive

Those of you saying "its much to hard of secret to keep" - from an emotional stand point why?

I have had 2 terminations and I literally never think of them except in conversations like this - and I certainly never feel anything about them. They were medical procedures I needed and got, much like I don't have feelings about the dentist.

Or are women only allowed abortions if we complete the appropriate hand wringing afterwards?

OP it is your body and your choice that is the only thing that matters.

I would tell him once you're 100% on your decision and stick to it regardless. At the end of it all, it's your body your choice and he deserves to know but you also have the right to do what's best for you and your current children. Mine are 6&7 now and I would do the same because of how needy they still are (one has 2 disabilities and the other is clingy still). Let him grieve what 'could have been' but also, you know your mind and body better than him. Your kids need a mentally well and strong mum more than a baby sibling.

I absolutely couldn’t hide that from my partner. I totally get the feeling of overwhelming ness and being unsure about returning to the baby stage. However, it really doesn’t sound like you’re 100% sure and you may regret it if you’re not totally sure, especially if you don’t have anyone to discuss it with. I’d be looking at BPAS counselling. Is there anything you could change as a couple to make it less demanding on you (whether you go ahead or not)?

Yup the only reason it was hard for me was because it hurt (first one hurt bad, second I took painkillers before the pain started and pretty much slept the entire time). Emotionally I feel nothing towards it because I had to put my mental wellbeing and kids first.

For those people saying it’s a terrible betrayal not to tell the husband, can I ask why? I’m not quite sure what I would do in this situation, but I can see that if OP tells him and he wants the baby but she still doesn’t, that will definitely create a tension within the relationship which might well be irreconcilable. Even if she doesn’t have a medical abortion, problems could arise if the pregnancy ends naturally- would her husband be suspicious and unsupportive? Telling him the whole story could result in the marriage ending.

On the other hand, if he never knows then he won’t ever be hurt by the knowledge. There is no compromise here, one person has to defer to the other, and resentment could creep in for either of them.

@Nsvdi The only people taking it to extremes are people who write things like: "I think the your body your choice thing has been taken to extremes now. it was meant to protect women, but it’s now being used as a licence to do anything with impunity within a marriage.
If it’s her body and her choice, can she go and shag a colleague and hide it from DH as it’s none of his business what she does with her body? Of course not."
Of course not, indeed. I've yet to meet any woman being unfaithful to her DH justifying it by saying "My body, my choice." What a steaming pile of laughable BS. 🙄

@ItsameLuigi same - although my second was more painful because I didn't time the painkillers as well.

I did tell my husband because I know he isn't a knobhead, but if I had needed to I could have easily "hidden" it from him feigning some other illness.

So will having a termination if dh doesn't want one, or worse feeling obliged to continue pregnancy.

The only reason to tell him is if you want his opinion or if he will be a support. If i knew I wanted to end pregnancy and dh would not be supportive I wouldnt tell him.

I totally agree.

I'm on a train journey and I'm thinking about my decision a few years ago to have a termination and keep it from my husband because I've seen this post.

I absolutely know it was the right thing to do for my family and me. He will never know, but if he did, I could confidently say that I didn't tell him because I knew it would have caused him suffering and sadness. Selfishly, I also know that it made it easier for me. If he knew, it would always have been a part of our relationship, and I think I would think of it much more often. Instead, I was able to put it behind me much more quickly.

Ultimately it's your body so your choice, but if you are not going to share that you are carrying a child that is 50% HIS, will terminate HIS child without even discussing with him, don't be surprised if he walks away from the marriage.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

What a horrible situation to be in.

As previously mentioned - your body, your decision and absolutely no-one else’s business.

Its your decision to make 100%. Can you live with that secret for the rest of your marriage.

And it's only a safe space to have those conversations if you can trust your partner won't judge or push you to a particular outcome

Why would he walk away from the marriage when he will never know about the termination? There's simply no logic to your argument.

That depends on the individuals involved. I would find it too big a betrayal and would walk away. I also couldn't lie to my DH about something like this. A bit like if he had a vasectomy secretly. His choice but I don't feel like this is the sort of thing you do as part of a couple secretly. Not saying it's wrong to feel otherwise, it's just how I am.

However, I'm not OP and maybe she can carry it and maybe her DH won't feel betrayed. He should be at the very least disappointed his wife didn't feel she could share and consider why that might be.

@Richiewoo most likely yes as all the data we have says that women who have abortions very rarely regret them, are very rarely traumatised by them and don't generally think of them later down the line.

You want the baby and a full family home but are exhausted from doing it all. Your DH needs to step up domestically. You say the mental load is all on you as well as the actual jobs. This is a marriage, a partnership. He needs to widen the scope of what he does and do more than bread-winning to support you Talk to him about that at least.🌷

Hiding that is abhorrent, and if he finds out one day and leaves you over it.. well that'll be you laying in the bed you made.

Honestly? I would quietly terminate the pregnancy without saying anything.

He can say anything he likes. But his current behavior indicates that him pulling his weight would be extremely unlikely

Don't tell him if it would upset him and cause problems in the family. It's not even certain that this early pregnancy would end up with a baby even without a termination. Sometimes not telling is the kindest thing, although you will have to carry the burden of the decision yourself which also may not be easy, so many what ifs in the future.