To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

I'm quite surprised by the reactions on here. 100% your body, your choice and agree with others that however hard he is working, he should he helping with nights or if not doable doing weekend nights and giving you weekend lie ins to catch up.

However, it feels a massive breach of trust to do this behind his back for the sake of avoiding a difficult discussion, he can't and shouldn't stop you but he should know. Difficult conversations are part of marriage, i have a husband or avoids these and does things without telling me to avoid the hard chats and it has torn our marriage apart.

If it was the other way and you were ttc would it be okay for him to get a vasectomy and not tell you? Appreciate slightly different but his body, his choice but he should still tell you imo.

Honestly think you need some time to process and then find the courage to have the conversation and make it clear it is a heads up not something that is up for debate.

Tell him up straight if we are keeping this pregnancy, then you help during the night occasionally, his responsibility also! My husband a doctor and did all our night feeds with me especially with having a disabled child who has heart condition, and myself after our last baby, I started to have issues with my lungs needing oxgen most days,
My husband works (nights and days) but even after his night shift he is home washing dressing the children, and doing school runs and nursery runs.
If he just finished a 14hr shift he home helping me.
As for the Abortion I had one recently, I got pregnant on the implant! My husband been awaiting a vasectomy now going private for (one)
I had one at 6 weeks pregnant, I never ever thought I would have one or go through with one but I had no choice in my mind.
5 little children under 7 yrs old at home, two grown up two sets of twins and I just couldn't with my health but everyone circumstances are different, physically my husband is always here mentally though I couldn't do another little one and with my health I felt it was unfair I hold a lot of guilt most days with my health that suddenly deteriorated last year.
I had pills sent in the post and that was that over 4 days, I bled heavily and I felt such relief for doing it because it was the right decision for me and our family my husband felt upset but he understood and supported me.
Please talk to him.

Ignore comments about him finding out via your medical records, that just wouldn't happen unless there was some sort of complication from the termination itself. Spouses don't access each others medical records.

Is there anyone irl you could confide in and who would support you? A close friend or sister? This is a huge thing to go through with on your own OP, and a huge secret to keep. It is always always your choice, but I would sleep on it for a few days before doing anything or saying anything.

Good luck OP

Why would her husband be at any of these hypothetical future medical appointments? She is an adult and perfectly capable of seeing a Dr by herself.

And you're correct to not "get" it because a potential father has no legal rights wrt his potential child until it's been born.

I haven't read all of the comments but I found myself in this situation 2 years ago. I did speak to my husband and he surprised me by agreeing that we couldn't possibly take a 3rd child on.

While it is your body, your choice, this also comes down to your marriage, honesty, transparency, and trust. I think hiding something like this, flies in the face of those important tenants of a marriage.

Telling him will be tough, especially if he doesn't agree with your decision. But it is the right thing to do... and the best thing is to remind him that it is your decision as it is your body.

This.

I'd book the termination and tell DH in one go - "DH I am pregnant and getting a termination. I cannot manage another pregnancy and child. I know this may be tough to hear, but please support me". If he's as good of a husband and father as you say, then he will support you - if you go to him umm-ing and without a firm decision in place then he has every right to express his desires to continue with the pregnancy which will feel heavy for you I imagine.

I'm sorry but where did I say the entire relationship is based on her taking some pills? Did you mean to quote me or someone else. For me realtionships are based on honesty and openess.

But i certaimly I couldn't view an abortion as someone just " taking some pills".
It's destroying a potential life.

And actually if it was as simple as just " taking some pills" why would OP be even agonising over the decision to tell her H?
She would take the pills and think nothing about it.

How will he find out when the only person who could tell him is OP?

OP I really feel for you.
Before I read the full thread I would have said to discuss the situation with his lack of support and how this was affecting you, to tell him that you are looking forward to returning to work and rediscovering the ‘you’ behind motherhood. This could lead to a discussion about a vasectomy and then to tell him about the unplanned pregnancy and your decision to have a termination.

However, having read all pp comments and the fact that it’s so early so will be a chemical termination have changed my original opinion. I would go ahead with the termination without telling him. Any excess bleeding could be explained away as an early miscarriage and then you can have the vasectomy discussion. This would spare him the sadness of not having a 3rd child. You do still need to discuss the support you need from him for your existing children etc.

By the way, my sister conceived on the pill and with a coil. Finally she decided to have a full surgical sterilisation (BIL refused to have a vasectomy 🙄). However her 5th child was born 9 months later-she had conceived before the surgery and the foetus had survived.

As for how you feel after a termination, I had to have one (surgical) as the baby had severe deformities and was not viable. This was very traumatic and I still think about him.

I went on to have our second child a couple of years later. When dc2 was 6 months old my pill failed. We decided that we couldn’t cope with a third as my dh was in hospital and had major health issues, so I had a termination (surgical as it was too far for pills). This second one has not had the same effect on us as it was done for the benefit of our existing children.
They only ask how many live births I’ve had at medical appointments.

I wish you all the best OP 🌸

No, this could be the end of her family, affecting her existing children. This is not a gamble she needs to take.

Lumping all of the childcare onto one of the parents could equally be said to be the beginning of the end and that's on him.

He has no right to control her reproductive rights and she has every right to make her own decision and carry it through in secret if that's what she feels she has to do to protect herself and her existing children.

She deserves our support not our condemnation.

Do what you need to do, OP.

@Givemestrengthanddetermination just because you hold abortion and a woman's right to choose on some sort of moral pedestal doesn't mean that OP does.

The enormous majority of women who have abortions have them, don't regret them and don't reflect on them later down the line.

It's a medical procedure not a moral dilemma unless you are anti choice and anti women.

Sure don't tell him. As long as you're happy to be a single parent if/when he finds out.

@Step5678 "Ignore comments about him finding out via your medical records, that just wouldn't happen unless there was some sort of complication from the termination itself. Spouses don't access each others medical records."
Exactly this. The number of PPs who are unnecessarily and dramatically catastrophising about medical records are hilarious. I guess they've never heard of the GDPR.

I don't think you need to tell him. And I understand why you might not want to. I think only you can make that choice.
I do think though that if you're not going to tell him then you need to be absolutely sure that you can cope with that forever. Telling him later would be so much harder.

@ClarasSisters pointless judgemental comment as it is not likely he would find out.

Again, how will he find out when the only person who could tell him is OP?

You talked about a relationship based on dishonesty. A medical procedure is not at the heart of any relationship. But I see you’re a pro lifer with your talk of a “potential life” so there’s no point debating.

I am not anti-choice or anti-women but for me personally, a pregnancy now would throw my into the hugest moral dilemma I've ever had to deal with.

That doesn't mean you're wrong for viewing it in purely medical terms, but we're not all the same and, for some of us, it's not that straight forward. For me, it would be huge either way.

It is not a child. Please stop this inaccurate, emotive, heartstring pulling clap-trap. It is a bunch of cells which only has the potential to become a child.

Such a huge number of embryoes end in natural miscarriage so early that we don't even know about it beyond a heavy period. All OP is doing is protecting her sanity and the integrity of her existing family by chemically ensuring that a miscarriage comes to pass.

Stop making it into something it's not.

Do what you need to do, OP.

Why would he find out? It doesn’t even go on your GP records.

would you get a decent maternity leave if you have the baby?

if you do decide to terminate, its not an easy thing to carry on your own emotionally either..you would want your husband to know so he can support you.

also if it comes out later that you hid it from him he'll most likely not take it well.

whichever you decide it will be better if you've decided it together.

Wow - wasn’t expecting so many replies and so much support, so thank you so much.

To answer some questions..

My two dc are both boys, I would absolutely love a little girl, but equally (in a fairytale in my head) I’d love 3 boys. It’s just, like I said before, I really don’t have the strength to go through it all again. I suffer from terrible morning sickness, the later stages are always a struggle with pelvic pain, we live rurally so have to drive absolutely everywhere and I’d need a third c section, meaning no driving (how would I get other two to school/nursery?).

We would need a bigger car, everything would change. Our relationship would become strained, I think.. just because of the extra pressure and work on my already packed out routine.

I also want to be able to offer my two boys everything I possibly can, and by adding a third into the mix, I’d worry that I’d not be able to dedicate as much time and effort to them individually. Perhaps I’m overthinking that part though.

Like I said, in my fairytale I’d have three beautiful children and make it all work effortlessly, but in reality I struggle with two and having a third could potentially throw everything into turmoil. I just can’t risk it.

I am about to call bpas, my main concern is what if I need some sort of urgent treatment (like a PP said, what if I were to experience heavy bleeding and needed to go to A&E), if DH isn’t aware then I’m not sure how I’d get around that… equally I cannot face telling him whatsoever. I’m in a very difficult position.

I worked at a doctors surgery and this kind of thing can be hidden if the woman wants this. It stays on her notes but isn’t visible on the screen should he go to an appointment with her for example. If she went to hospital they wouldn’t mention it at all without asking her. And even then only if it’s relevant to why she is there. From a medical history point of view he will not know unless given permission to know.