To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

I have been here. Firstly, there is no rush to do anything. In the end I am continuing with the pregnancy but I spent a long time (4 weeks) working through feelings and was 100% planning an early termination without DH knowing, because I knew the guilt, pressure etc on him would be huge. I was trying to protect him, and it sounds like you are doing the same.

He's not the one who's going to carry the child, give birth and breastfeed. By your account, he's also not going to be the one getting up during the night or doing the childcare.

This is your decision.

Ultimately, it's up to you what you do as it's your life, your choice and your body and everything will be ok in the end regardless of whatever decision you make. However, your partner being your partner should take your feelings and wants into consideration. He should hear you out and empathise with your concerns and your circumstances (having to look after the children a lot on your own). Best wishes to you x

When my niece died my sister requested her records and received all of them.

They still wouldn't see your NHS notes.

You don’t have to justify wanting to terminate the pregnancy, it’s your body so you get the final say.

I think you do need to tell DH though, it’s a massive thing to keep from him. Also it will be pretty difficult to hide, even an early medical termination is going to be like having a miscarriage and you will be bleeding heavily and probably in more pain than a normal period so you will need his support really.

For him to say "keep the pregnancy" and that's it, would be really unfair. You might feel a huge weight lifted off you if you sit down and talk it through with him. He might suprise you and then you can have his support through the process. But of course, you know him best. Good luck x

If you go for the termination, and I fully support your choice to do that, have you thought about how you will stop a future pregnancy? This is perhaps where your plan gets difficult, going forward. What would you say to your DH?

OP, I have been in your situation, almost to the letter, and I went ahead and had a secret termination.

About four years later I have absolutely no regrets. I knew having another baby would not have been what is right for our family. My DH would have supported me to have the termination, but it would have deeply upset him. I believe it would have caused him much more pain and trauma and perhaps caused division between us long term. It feels like a big thing to have not told him, sure, but I truly feel I can justify it because it has saved him much sadness.

Do what's right for you and your family.

Lots of love ❤️❤️❤️

Yeah you say that because you've got a backwards attitude. The doctors who actually treat the medical condition are much more sensible about it. An early termination simply cuts off the progesterone that is sustaining the cells that could become a baby. It's no different from the natural process of menstruating.

He does NOT have a right to know. It’s your body OP

Thank you

This thread is being derailed by fucking medical records.

I've had about 6 different surgeries post kids and dh has never had need to peruse my medical records and no Doctors have loudly asked about my live birthstones and no of pregnancies

No he wouldn't.

I agree. My DH was in hospital many times, with various medical issues. The most "medical records" I ever saw was the prescription sheet hanging at the end of his bed!

I think the your body your choice thing has been taken to extremes now. it was meant to protect women, but it’s now being used as a licence to do anything with impunity within a marriage.

If it’s her body and her choice, can she go and shag a colleague and hide it from DH as it’s none of his business what she does with her body? Of course not.

Op’s DH has participated in this conception, he’s the father and would like another child and I would lean towards saying that it therefore it is something he ought to have a say in. However, I actually agree that OP would be reasonable to go and have a secret abortion in this case - but not based on the “your body your choice” mantra. I would base it on the fact that she is being run very ragged and he isn’t doing enough/anything to mitigate this. He gets the sleep of a prince whilst op struggles at the coal face. Therefore all the work/stress of a third child would fall onto OP.

But then op would need to keep the secret. Often in meno type appointments, the gynae will want to know how many pregnancies / live births.

It used to be the case that if you went to a private provider, they gave you the choice about whether your GP was notified or not (therefore whether it appears on your NHS record or not). I don't know if this is still the case but don't see why it would have changed. Lots of reasons women may need a confidential service, if that is what you decide.

Why does he get 9 hours sleep and then can just swan off to work?

What will happen when you go back?

Does he do anything to share the load?

Because to me, it sounds like he doesn't get to have a say.

@Tothink I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult position OP, but no woman should ever be made to continue with a pregnancy that she can't cope with. Your body, your life, your choice. Best of luck for the future OP. 🤗

Presumably neice was a child.

Firstly, it definitely sounds like you should have a termination - those are completely valid reasons for not wanting another kid. In terms of whether you tell him or not about it I'd take the following view - which is more detrimental to your relationship long-term - you telling him but insisting on a termination as its your body and you doing all the childcare - or you not telling him and keeping it a secret. As you someone who can even keep it a secret or not.

I think you should tell him.
If he says he can't bear you to have a termination, you can then say okay, but there will have to be changes. You have to share nights, share childcare, both work part-time ... whatever would work for you as a family.

It's a while ago now, but I think my single, uncomplicated, early termination was mentioned at one of my appointments and then never again, and I certainly didn't need to mention it.

Your body your choice. I support you in not telling him.

I support you in not telling him.

I think whatever you decide to do, this creates an opportunity to open up communication with DH about taking on more of the mental load and supporting you more with the childcare. It sounds like you're struggling now, regardless of this pregnancy. I think it's possible to tell him and have a reasonable conversation with him about termination, while staying firm that the decision is ultimately yours. The pregnancy is unplanned, so ultimately neither of you wanted this baby and DH may surprise you and handle this much better than you anticipate.
It sounds like DH is not supportive, or you don't believe he will be - but this will not give him the opportunity to be there for you at all. It could well be a wake up call for him.

Ultimately it's your decision whether you tell him or not, but I think keeping it a secret will further add to your mental load and you may resent him for making you feel so alone in this.

Take your time to decide whether to tell him, maybe sleep on it for a few days. Only you know what is the right decision for you - but I'd really think hard about trying to deal with this on your own.

Sending hugs xxx