To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

@Cece92 its done over the phone nationally now and they post the tablets to you in an unmarked box and you do it all yourself at home

I would tell him but not ask him. I don't think I could keep that a secret or it would eat me up or come out eventually.

It may be an opportunity for him to understand just how much you've put yourself through to give him and get your kids to the point you have

In principle I think he has the right to know. But I think he loses that right if he is likely to pressurise you to keep it and take termination badly. Your body your choice. As if you don’t have enough to deal with.

If I were your friend I would support your choice wholeheartedly and cover your back.

You’ll have to be more specific because your post has appeared way down the thread from my last posts so I don’t know what I’ve said to cause you offence. And I’m not against abortion at all. Far from it. As far as the OP’s situation is concerned all I can say is that if the abortion is in tablet form, I know two people who had this treatment, but it was very painful and both said they couldn’t have gone through it alone. So potentially if she’s going to do it at home, she may find she has to invent a cover story if the same is true for her - but everyone is different and it’s just as likely she’ll have no problem. But it’s not guaranteed.

I've been in your position OP, also due to contraceptive failure. Like you, I knew that I just couldn't cope with a third child. My husband knew about the pregnancy, and although he was equally horrified by the thought of another baby, his Catholic upbringing meant that he felt very guilty about the termination and blamed me for it. I went through nearly a year of him being totally vile to me and our marriage nearly ended as a result. The only positive thing that came out of it was his vasectomy - if he hadn't agreed, I would have divorced him. If you think your husband will be anything less than 100% supportive, I wouldn't bother telling him. And I certainly wouldn't worry about the information appearing on your medical notes - it is barely a footnote on mine and I doubt that he would ever see them anyway.

If you think that you can keep the secret over the longer term and will be able to cope with the hormonal upheaval in silence - it's likely that there will be some - go ahead without him. I send hugs and handholds and wish you the best of luck!

I think this sums it up nicely.

Absolutely batshit insane responses of "husband doesn't have a right to know".

Odd people. What's the point of having a life partner if you're more comfortable discussing something like this with Internet strangers than with them.

@Rosscameasdoody
When you said "I hope the information is never so relevant that it comes back to bite you." came across very nasty

I've had two - and they are a bit uncomfortable slightly worse than period pain - definitely didn't need anyone around to help, box set, tea toast and hot water bottle were plenty, I also had a few housemates at uni that needed them and they had similar experiences - but like you said you never know.

That comment was part of an ongoing exchange between myself and that poster and you need to read the whole exchange to get the context. It wasn’t meant nastily, just factual within the context of what was being discussed.

@Outside9 in an ideal world everyone would have kind loving and supportive husbands/partners - but not everyone does... I fear that is obvious

Obviously. But that's not what is being communicated here.

@Rosscameasdoody I did read the whole exchange it still came across horribly, considering abortion is one of the safest medical procedures you can have and they have no future bearing on fertility or gyne health.

@Outside9
did you miss or ignore where the OP said she does 95% of the heavy lifting at home, and her husband would take any talk of termination badly?

Because that doesn't sound like kind, loving or supportive to me but maybe we have different meanings of the terms.

.

Yes because as she stated, she doesn't work, while her husband as she said "works so hard".

@Outside9 yuck yuck yuck a man having a job does not mean his wife has to do 140+ hours a week of unpaid labour without any practical help from him. Grim perspective.

If it's a good relationship then of course it's better to discuss this situation and to support each other. Honesty is obviously best policy.

But there is no "right" to know, none whatsoever; there's no argument for any right (to know about something) if that right doesnt also confer some power to do something with that knowledge, otherwise what's the point of it? What would be the basis or purpose of that right?

And it's very much the case - rightly - that no one has any power to do anything about a woman's pregnancy other than her.

Tell your partner if you can or want to, but there's no moral or legal obligation.

(And dismissing those with different views to yours as "batshit insane" doesn't make you look as clever as you think it does.)

Hi OP, I just wanted to share that I found myself in the extract same position. Child in reception, 2nd in nursery and I felt like things were easing a little when I found myself pregnant with number 3. It took me a month of getting my head around it and during that month I swung between terminating and keeping. I thought of all possibilities, what if I died in childbirth, what if my child is disabled and needs more care, what if I can't afford 3 children the list went on. Ultimately I decided to keep the baby and proceed with the pregnancy and he's almost a year now. Yes the year has been hard but as I know he's my last it's also been an enjoyable last year of firsts. He has completed our family and brought something I didn't know our family needed. That being said my husband has since had a vasectomy as I knew I couldn't go through the decision again. My husband supported my decision whatever I decided as he knew I was the one that had to live with the decision. Just wanted to share that your not alone. All the best whatever you decide.

No, but it does mean she'll physically have more capacity to manage house maintenance. Common sense really

And you're not as clever as you think by attempting to divert the argument. Your arbitrary moral relativism doesn't hold weight here. We can go down the proverbial rabbit hole and do mental gymnastics to negotiate what constitutes a "right", but that's not addressing the question at hand.

My opinion stands.

And by the same token what’s the point of a life partner who is so unapproachable and lacking in understanding and empathy that his wife is seriously considering having an abortion without his knowledge because she knows that, regardless of what she wants, he will do his best to talk her out of it if she tells him ?

Sometimes discussing it with strangers on the internet gives you a better perspective because you get objective points of view. Bit like therapy.

@Outside9 yes and if she had said "I do more at home because I don't work but it still feels fair DH does his share and I'm managing fine" I would agree with you.

But she didn't she said she does 95% of all the household and child rearing, all night time waking and is struggling mentally and physically while her DH works but happily gets 9 hours of sleep.

Its not the same thing really is it.

This in abundance
I feel for you OP and only u can make the decision.
You aren't being selfish by saying that you have only just started to reclaim part of yourself.
If you do decide to go ahead with termination without telling husband, you will need to keep the decision entirely to yourself and perhaps speak to a counsellor for support.
Is there anyway you would consider talking to your husband?
Please take care of yourself very difficult times

Wow. Conjures up images of barefoot and pregnant, and tied to the kitchen sink.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.

He doesn't "need" to know. He doesn't have a "right" to know.

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

If you feel a secret termination is what is best, then do it. It's not uncommon.

Sending you a virtual hand hold.