To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

I'm genuinely shocked by the amount of posts on here that are trying to encourage op to have another baby when she has clearly stated that she CAN NOT COPE.

If this was any other situation people always warn you not to bring a baby into the mix if you don't want to be a parent/can't cope with being a parent/dont have the money ect.

Just because she is currently early stages pregnancy doesn't mean that logic doesn't still apply.

Op I urge you not to listen too tough to these posters. At the end of the day they take two minutes out of their day to post on your thread and then close the tab and go about their lives. You will be the one stuck with a baby and the responsibility that comes with it. You won't be able to walk away or not think about it as all the random strangers on the internet can. Please put your health and families well being first.

People will say this and then surprise surprise when op returns in a years time under a different thread because she has PPD from not being able to cope. That will then be only your problem and yours alone. I will guarantee you that you will get a completely different response and brigade of people telling you that you will mad to even consider a third if you are struggling with two.

Do what's right for you op.

It doesn't come up on your medical records they ask if you want them to inform you're GP I said no! I had to give my NHS number for (Free NHS treatment) but it all went fine. I took some pills and had a long big period for 5 days, I chucked all the rubbish in the Bin at the time, if anything went to A&E I'd of said miscarriage)
We had my MIL living with us! At the time so I was worried but It all came in the post my treatment and no one knew apart from my husband what was in the parcel then a few days of bleeding, was all I had.
I have had two C sections in the past and having the bleeding after the C sections were worse and more painful! But everyone is different.

So tricky.

The root of this is that your DH won't automatically leave this decision to you( and you already know it's your decision). That's not cool. It's his pressuring of you that's forcing you to keep this secret. Yikes. Nothing you can do about it, but something to think about. How will you go the rest of your life without telling him you've had a termination of #3? Practically speaking, I mean.

Why doesn't he have an opinion and a right to know considering it's equally his unborn child too?

@Rosscameasdoody what a nasty thing to say - did it make you feel better?

As for all the hand wringing and wittering on this thread " what about complications" an early abortion is incredibly safe - safer by far than actually having a child - and it is actually impossible to tell from a medical perspective if an abortion is spontaneous or induced - so the treatment for any potential (vanishingly rare) complication would be exactly the same and her DH would still never have to know.

The huge majority of women who have abortions are happy with their care, do not regret the procedure and do not think about it later down the line.

What an utterly appalling thing to write.
He is her husband, in a (happy) partnership. It’s his child.
Ultimately, what the OP decides to do is her decision, but of course he has right to know.
To have a secret termination would be a huge deception and betrayal within a marriage.

@Bbq1 because thank god that is the legal framework we have in the UK men have no say in what happens to a woman's body and no "parental rights" until a child is actually born.

Feel free to move to Gilead if that bothers you.
.

Why does he?
If his "child" is born - and only then is it actually a child - then yes he arguably should be told.

But about a pregnancy? No right whatsoever.
That fact that you should think he does implies that you think he should also have a say in how, or if, this pregnancy progresses. The law disagrees. As do I and, thankfully, most on this thread.

Only you know what your body and mind can do.
Yes, you probably should tell him and I fully understand and agree why you cannot.
It's your body and MH, and due to his job he's not around enough to help with the mental and physical load of your boys now.
Your decision OP.
💐

I also have two DS's and know I am completely done. I just could not do it again.

But you need to discuss this with your DH. I think it will eat away inside you if you do not. I know what you mean though, my DH would ultimately say it is my decision but I know he would want to keep the baby.

I presume you are very early on and could take a pill form?

I agree in principle but for many women it’s not that easy and for OP this is going to be a big decision, particularly as she would clearly like to have the baby if the circumstances were different. She won’t be able to confide in anyone and it will be a very lonely experience for her. I think that generally if you are in a strong relationship then there’s a case to be made for sharing the information and the decision you have made - possibly that’s where the ‘right to know’ lobby is coming from and I can understand that. But that’s best case scenario and I think there’s just as much of a case to be made for keeping quiet when you know that your decision would be challenged and you would very likely be pressured into going ahead with the pregnancy.

I haven't read or watched The Handmaid's Tale but I get the gist. I hardly think that telling a man that created the pregnancy you're about to get rid of it and allowing him an opinion is straying into Gilead territory. Women can freely creep around aborting their babies, keeping it a secret from their partners /husbands if they wish to. I can't stop it nor can my views on abortion. Must be a pretty poor relationship when you're keeping huge secrets like that from your partner.

@Bbq1 I didn't need to for either of my terminations as my husband is a nice and supportive man.

I am also not stupid and naïve enough to think that every woman is married to a nice man. The law is written the way it is in order to protect women who have partners that may not be as wonderful as yours apparently is.

edit for spelling

I don’t think it’s ideal either, and if she were 100% sure he would support her decision there may be a case for telling him, if only for his support. But OP has said that isn’t the case. That she would be pressured into going ahead with the pregnancy. And if you read her post again you’ll pick up on the fact that if circumstances were different and she had the capacity, she would love to have the baby - that comes across very strongly. So the likelihood is that it wouldn’t take much for him to talk her out of a termination and he still wouldn’t step up to help her the way he should. I think OP knows that and it’s maybe a part of why she doesn’t want to tell him. It’s her body and her decision and I don’t think it’s a betrayal in these circumstances - more like self preservation.

I was in a similar situation. I told my DP and he was so against me having an abortion that I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. It was the worst decision of my life. Of course we made it work and I love my child, but it has made my life so very much more difficult.
It's not really considered acceptable to say you regret having a child, but our 3rd child was the wrong decision for me and our other children. DP has not been nearly as involved as he promised to be and 95% of the burden has fallen on me. I should have respected my own opinion more strongly than his.

OP, this has obviously come as a huge shock. It's ok to take some time to process this. Don't feel you have to rush into doing anything immediately. When you're ready, I agree with others that speaking to professionals will help you to think through your thoughts.

Irrespective of this pregnancy, it sounds like your husband is not pulling his weight with the children you already have.

You mention concerns about both a third pregnancy and the reality of a family with 3 kids. These are two related but separate issues. If you do not want to have a third pregnancy then there is no alternative but to terminate. But if your main concern is around having 3 children and it all being on you - is that something that could change If you spoke to your partner? (Not expecting you to answer! - just something to consider).

In an ideal world you would feel able to discuss all this with him. I understand you want to spare him the pain of a termination - but in doing so, you are carrying all your feelings yourself.

Take care and give yourself time. It's a huge decision and one that can't be undone. If deep down you do want this baby (some of your comments suggest that) then you may feel very resentful to your husband going forward that his lack of support meant you felt unable to have this child.

But those arguing he has a right to know, what is the justification behind that? Because surely you can’t be arguing that he has a say in whether the OP has an abortion? As that would be giving him rights over her body. So if he has no say, where does his right to know come from? What is he missing out on if he is not told? Is it just the knowledge of her having that procedure that he’s entitled to? If so, why? What does he gain by being told about it?
And we all know how it will go if she does tell him. The DH will promise to do more and might even show willing for a few weeks and to some token chores or childcare. He will guilt trip her and say that she can’t possibly consider getting rid of their child. The OP will continue the pregnancy. Then he will revert to his normal ways of sleeping 9 hours and leaving everything to the OP, who will spiral and feel shitter than ever.

But this is why the law is as it is. Not every man is good, and supportive. And I think it’s coming across very strongly that OP’s husband would not support a termination. It also comes across clearly that under different circumstances OP would like to have this baby, and it’s quite possible that it wouldn’t take much to talk her out of having a termination. That may be a factor in her decision to keep quiet, because she knows her own capacity and doesn’t want the hassle. She’s already made the decision that is hers, and hers alone to make.

Also if you are a father of two you shouldn’t have to be told to do more to help. He knows full well he’s not pulling his weight but thinks he can get away with it. He knows the OP is doing it all and he’s letting her. It’s despicable really.

As someone who had a termination years ago due to failed contraception he will either find out or need to know. I had to have someone there to go home with. And it’s 2 appointments in my area first one for the first tablet then the second one a tablets inserted inside you and I got a shot of the depo jag. You’ll be In pain for a couple days too. I had valid reasons at the time for mine, and my friend came to the second appointment waited outside so she could take me home. Also if you’re doing it book it as early as you can. I felt so guilty because I’d had a miscarriage years before it but honestly I was not with the right person was already a single parent and I was in financial crisis and to be honest I was still
mentally recovering from being with my DD dad. Don’t make any rash decisions xx

Have not RTFT, but at least in the first few pages and the last one nobody seems to have suggested what to me is obvious: have the termination, tell him afterwards. And then, have the difficult talk about why you didn't feel able to tell him in advance. It's a big secret to keep in a marriage and I tend to agree that that's not fair on him, but even if we agree (arguable both ways I think) that he has a right to know, he doesn't have a right to pressure OP to go on with the pregnancy.

I think with all those factors you are making the right choice. A 3rd will impact on other children - as you say a bigger car / less time /money

Having done some googling as to what happens in other countries I’m not sure whether I should be surprised to find that the shit show happening around abortion legislation in the USA, involved many states trying to reinstate laws requiring women to inform their husbands that they were pregnant - and in some states spousal consent to terminate - despite such laws having previously been ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court.

You’re right, you can only talk about your marriage. But ultimately, it’s irrelevant though because only one persons opinion counts when deciding whether to go through with a pregnancy. If you told your husband you were pregnant but didn’t want to continue as you were told you have a 90% chance of dying as a result or whatever reason would be your hard line for not continuing and your husband said they wanted the baby, would that make you change your mind and go ahead with it? That was what was being discussed - whose opinion counts in this set of circumstances.

I disagree - my perception is that they are coming from a position of him owning part of her body because he provided a single cell for it. 'It's his baby', 'He has the right to know', 'You'd be betraying him' (by taking away 'his' property?).

The OP decides. She decides whether she wants to continue with a pregnancy and she decides whether she wishes to share that information with anybody else. The only time a previous pregnancy that doesn't result in a live birth has been relatively open is in antenatal notes as 2 +1, the +1 denoting another pregnancy without reference as to whether it's a miscarriage or termination (Parity + Gravidity) or the date. So she'd have to continue a future pregnancy for there to even be a mention of it that a man could potentially see.