To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

That's hardly a universal truth. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. No sense telling your partner something just to upset and argue.

I hope you are okay, OP. I would not tell him. There is no ‘right to know’. If you are less than 10 weeks, they can give you the drugs for a medical abortion.

Make sure you get your contraception sorted too.

I realise it's a long thread but I am horrified by the women saying you 'have' to tell him. Your body, your choice. Full stop, no ifs buts or maybes.

Whether he finds out or not, the issue is a massive secret between you forever more. You'd want to be a very good liar to get away with this forever. What about pain or complications post procedure, what about any emotional fall out you may have. If you are finding it hard to cope already how will you manage the termination and the next few days without him knowing? You need to be extremely careful here, its not easy and incredibly stressful to keep up a deception possibly forever.

Honestly OP i think you are panicking right now. I think take a few days and really soul search. Weigh it all up and follow your heart more than your head. Only you will be the one to know what's right for you.

Remember, you can and will cope with another child. If DC2 had been twins you would have found a way. Something needs to change in terms of domestic arrangements but if Dh knows your reluctance to have another and that you contemplated termination he should step up big time. If there is any part of you that feels you deep down want this, then you will be OK and you can do this.

Very best of luck to you, whatever the outcome.

Could be the beginning of a discussion about him getting a vasectomy?

I would actually say the opposite: decide with your head and not your heart! The rose tinted glasses version of 3 boys o 2 boys and their little sister and a busy little family is an illusion,because reality has shown what it is actually like! OP has said she is already barely coping and doesn't want to take another hit at her carreer and "own" life.
There absolutely NO reason to believe that he would step up if he knew she was contemplating termination. What is more likely is he would promise to do so, so she keeps the baby as she believes he would want, and then not follow through on the promisse.

I think this is good advice OP, you can afford to wait until you’ve calmed down a bit and had a chance to think things through properly. It will also be a very lonely thing for you because if you’ve made up your mind never to tell him, then you really can’t confide in anyone else - too risky if anyone else knows. It’s also going to be harder for you because I think deep down you would like to keep the baby under different circumstances. This is a one time thing and there’s no going back. Once it’s done it’s done and I think you have to be sure that you’ll be able to cope with keeping this from him for the rest of your marriage. A very difficult decision and I don’t envy you.

Z

What a shock. It’s 100% your decision and you don’t have to tell him and you have good reasons for not going through with it BUT can you can handle keeping it from him? Will you feel guilty afterwards, how will it affect you emotionally and physically, how will it affect your relationship?
Only you know the answer to those questions and you may not know until it happens- that’s all I would say. If you do have a termination, you can never tell him and I wouldn’t tell anyone else either. I wouldn’t be able to keep it in, I’d have to tell mine. I can’t see any reason why anyone would ‘need’ to know. I don’t think any good can come from it, just false promises and arguments.

I gynaecologist has never asked me about births etc. I wouldn’t want DH in there with me tbh! He wants to the insides outs of everything!

Good for you. I hope the information is never so relevant that it comes back to bite you.

@ZAB1908 You would need to start your own thread x

its up to you to tell him or not.

the women on here pearl clutching, saying ‘he has a right to know’ are pathetic. if you are feeling so much dread telling him something that tells me he is a difficult man and you have even more reason to hide it.

it is completely your decision. but it is a shame you feel apprehensive telling him, however it is completely understandable as i have been in a relationship with a man who would’ve made it 1000x harder than it needed to be.

Of course your "DH" would try and talk you into keeping the pregnancy. His life wouldn't be the one hugely impacted or changed. It's so easy to want something when little of the brunt gets put onto you. He won't be considering the toll it will take on you or what sacrifices it will come with. He will have the luxury of responding emotionally, so by default someone needs to be thinking with a level head here.

I think what you are doing is really brave and admirable op. It's hard, especially as the woman with the hormones and actual pregnancy happening to us, to think with our heads and not our hearts. But your priority should be towards the children you have here NOW, not the hypothetical ones. You have recognised to be the best parent to them you need to not have your mental and physical resources stretched anymore. That's a big thing to take onboard, and it's NOT selfish to be putting yourself first for the sake of your entire family. In fact it's the complete opposite.

Stay strong op. If you do decide to tell your DH just remember that one of you will be looking through rose tinted glasses from afar, whilst the other isn't.

And as others have suggested, whether you tell him or not, I really think a conversation is needed to be had. Lay it out there on the table with bruti honesty. Don't shy away and tell your DH how you are at your limit with what is required of you now and another child is one too many.

If your husband loves and respects you as a person and not just a baby making machine, then he should care about your well being enough to take some more full proof routes for contraception. You've done your part. You've given him two lovely boys and continue to use contraception. He can do his fair share and get the snip!

Best of luck.

Hi there. You need to start your own thread, as this one belongs to the OP and is on a different subject, so your post is likely to go unanswered and lost among those answering this OP. If you go to the top of the page and click on ‘start thread’ you’ll be taken to the page where you can do that. You’ll need to have a look at the various categories. This is AIBU (am I being unreasonable) which is not the best place to get an answer to your question, so maybe have a look at the topics covering conception. Good luck.

As someone who has had a termination, just make sure you have the time and space to get through it - it happens over the course of a few hours and was pretty horrific for me. It also didn't quite work for someone I knew, and they ended up hospitalised so please just be careful. I am 100% pro choice, but I would've found it very hard doing it alone. FWIW, DH wanted to keep it too.. we made it through, with counselling.

Your body, your choice ultimately.

BUT....

It is a massive deception. If he found out by accident, for example if you were in an accident or the termination caused complications and you were unconscious...would your marriage survive the deception?

If DS2 had of been twins maybe she would have terminated then? And it's besides the point, she doesn't have to 'find a way' if doesn't want to, there's nothing wrong with being selfish and prioritising what she wants for her future over a bunch of cells. I know many people find out they're having twins or triplets and terminate and then try again because they only have the capacity for one there's nothing wrong with that. @Tothink I'd say if there is any part of you that doesn't want to do this then you don't and shouldn't have to.

I think the issue is not simply whether to have this baby or not BUT his behaviour where you think he'd want his own way. Regardless.

Is he like this over everything?

On the face of it, you as a family can't support another child, you're worn out, you want to go back to work, your body might not take another pregnancy easily.

What kind of man would pressure you into going ahead?

This, for me, would be the bigger, question.

He comes over as domineering and selfish.

Only you know if this is how he is.

Equally, the marriage may not survive the OP telling her DH she's having a termination that he very much doesn't want her to have.

First things first. She has to look after herself.

Sometimes it comes down to the least worst option.

Completely disagree when OP is the one doing 95% of childcare and household tasks.

He doesn’t get to not like it when you’re the one taking on the load. Even if he’s busy with work, he can still help with night wakes and housework at times. Would you still be doing everything once you eventually go back to work too?

Your body, your choice 100% OP.

Fortunately I'm not a medieval peasant so I have no concerns that it could.

Although I understand your concern for telling him, even if you went down the termination route that can take many weeks to get things in place, so just wondering how you'd hide it from him if you start experiencing pregnancy symptoms etc? I think if you've got a solid relationship he would support you either way. I sympathise as I'm in a smiling situation to you, I just had a termination due to many factors with a third and it wasn't an easy decision to make but you know yourself and your limitations and what is right or isn't for your family. Good luck

I doubt very much that an early stage termination would have any impact on any future pregnancy or be relevant in any way. So many people have miscarriages without knowing about it and a termination is a chemically induced miscarriage. Yes they ask - doesn’t mean people will answer honestly and they know that.

Women no longer need their husband's consent or knowledge to take the Pill and they do not need their husband's consent or knowledge to undergo any medical or surgical procedure. They also do not have to obey their husband's wishes and use contraception or undergo terminations against their will.

What happened for there to be so many posters in favour of men having the right to know and making decisions about women's bodies? Is it part of the 'We're pregnant' narrative? Because 'we' are never pregnant. The woman is pregnant. She had one cell from a male in her body that mixed with a cell from hers, has become more cells in her body, will be fed by her body and will, in another 30+ weeks, potentially become a baby that she has to experience leaving her body with all the pain and risk to her health that entails. And then she's likely to have to feed that child from her body. And perform almost all care for it for a minimum of 18 years. Yes, it's a life. Her life. It's a human body. Yes, her body. And there is, thankfully, a choice whether to continue with it and whether to tell anybody about it. Her choice.