To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

OP's told us that whilst her DH works very hard, she does 95% of the household stuff/child raising. There are lots of men who work very hard, but they don't abdicate responsibility for the care of their children to their DWs/DPs for the majority of the time (a PP whose DH is a doctor has told us that he gets stuck in, even after a 14hr shift, and does his fair share). OP's also told us that, should she tell her DH about the pregnancy and her decision to terminate it, he "will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leaves [for work] …" Do you really believe he hasn't done anything wrong?

If you don’t tell him, you mustn’t tell anyone else. If you think you can manage that then go ahead.

I’m sorry for your situation. In your shoes I wouldn’t tell him. I don’t think there’s any way this would come up. It doesn’t normally even appear on your medical records, and even if it did I can’t imagine many instances where your DH is going to be able to obtain and pour over your medical records.

I think you need to weigh up the pressure and stress of keeping a secret for the rest of your life if you go ahead with a termination.

It's the kind of thing that may come out in a furious row, years down the line, or when something initiates your 'coming clean'.

Your medical records are YOURS and I'm struggling to understand why posters think he should be party to them, ever.

Having said that, he should understand how you feel about an unwanted pregnancy and be supportive of your choice.

The way I see it, if you tell him the marriage is over: If you keep the baby because of his pressure you will have all the troubles you already have exponentially bigger and you think you can't cope (if you have the conversation, he will say he will step up this time, will do more, but then in reality he won't, or he would be doing already); if you still terminate despite his pressure he will resent you and relationship will likely break up.
So I wouldn't tell him, I can't see why he would ever find out, I would make sure he never had access to my medical records or would ask GP to have it removed from it.

How would he ever find out?

It isn't going in her medical notes if she goes to a clinic.

If she chooses to go through her GP, her medical notes are still confidential.

She doesn't take her husband with her when she sees her GP.

I would make sure he never had access to my medical records or would ask GP to have it removed from it.

Medical records are confidential.
Even if you have POA over someone in old age you can't access all their medical records.

He’s a man. That’s often good enough reason on this site, unfortunately.

It would hold entirely true because if he wants a vasectomy, guess what, his body, his choice!

@Tothink One way forward if it's not been mentioned is you could tell him afterwards that you'd miscarried. You could say you were late, took a test and weren't sure what to tell him, but then you miscarried very early.

Feel for you, I thought the same til it happened to me and I now have a 14 year old to prove nothing is 100%. I have no advice on a secret termination other than being sure you won't regret it, if you end up with regrets one day you will tell your DH and I can't imagine the fall out would be good.

Did you miss the bit about the OP's husband being unsupportive and potentially controlling?

Firstly, take a breath. You have literally just found out 15 mins ago and all these scenarios are naturally running through your mind.
Absolutely your choice what you do, but doesn’t he deserve a chance to know and potentially provide solutions for any of your concerns? You have said he’s a lovely man, give him a chance to prove that.
Tell him honestly all you have said here. He needs to do his fair share of nights at the very least! You both work hard - him outside the home and you looking after your boys ( and potentially a baby) so that needs to change and he needs to be completely on board with that. Also, employing extra help - an au pair or a cleaner a few times a week - whatever would lighten the load. Is there a world where if changes were made and he pulled more of the ‘home’ burden that you could see this working? If he just wants things to carry on the same, then you have your answer, but at least you gave him the chance.
There could be physical or emotional repercussions from termination and then you would have to lie again to cover that up.
Ultimately it is your decision but I do think you should tell him

Not a child, just a bunch of cells with the potential to grow into a child if wanted.

They don't want another child right now.

I would have to tell my husband, if it were me in this situation. It's a bit worrying that you have already envisaged what life would be like with 3 boys, or 2 boys and their little sister. The guilt and remorse might affect you badly, and if your husband hasn't got a clue why you're feeling down, he's not going to be able to comfort you. If you're 100% sure you don't want a third child, tell your husband and deal with it together.

I wouldn't deceive my husband if I was in your position. I would tell him. He seems lovely from what you are saying, talk to him. You could go back to work after the baby is born. Free childcare from 9 months old - you have options.

I had an abortion, I regret it. Emotional trauma of it never leaves you and add on deception, it will be emotionally draining on you. I don't know if you have family support who can help you.

Please don’t have a secret termination. These things have a way of coming out in the end. At the end of the day, your body, your choice. If it were me, I’d very factually say ‘I’ve found out I’m pregnant, I’ve already booked a GP appointment to arrange a termination’. Don’t enter into any further discussions around it 🤷‍♀️

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination.

I don't understand this.

Why?

If you're on the Pill, the general idea is you don't want more children. Either of you.

Nothing you say would make sense to have another child; finances, your mental health, his work which means he isn't around during the day etc.

If he won't understand your feelings on that, how is your relationship generally?

This 🔼

Make that person a family planning counsellor or MN. Don't confide in a friend or family member. As a PP said your only safe secret is the one that only you know.

All the best.

I think you should tell your DH OP. Nothing good comes from secrets in relationships.

Unhelpful.

Look the pressure of an extra child could rip your already fragile life apart. You are just about making it work with you picking up all the childcare and house stuff. Your body and it would just fall on you. All of it. Do it.
Yes marriage is a partnership but he could walk away very easily leaving you with another child no money etc and no job prospects.

And can fail.

I need my husband to love me for who I am -not a more palatable version I present of myself. Every single shame and triumph and uncertainty - he knows and still loves me. It’s not about right or wrong or agreeing with my choices. Personally, I would need to tell my husband because it frees me to be unconditionally accepted.

That said, I know other couples have different dynamics!