To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

The MAP is too late once you have a positive test result I believe. Isn’t it designed to prevent you getting pregnant if you take within a certain number of days of unprotected sex? I think I even read it won’t work if you’ve already ovulated - but that was a post on here, I’ve never had to investigate it as haven’t needed to use it fortunately.

If you don't want to have it @Tothink don't have it. Things happen unfortunately but if you were taking contraception for the purpose of birth control then I think you already know your answer. It's a massive burden on life forever, it's not just a baby, but then a toddler and a child and teenager and uni and more. Also if you really want to get back to work and get that part of you back there's nothing wrong with it, you don't have to further sacrifice a part of yourself if you don't want to. There will be a sexual health clinic near you, it's two pills most of the time and then it's over. You can even just go and ask them questions if you still want to think about it more. They're very nice people and they can give you any info you want, plus they'll never tell him because of confidentiality (if that's what you want). Also even if you have heavy bleeding - doctors can and will lie to someone if you ask, they'll say they don't know or it's random. In my experience as long as your safe, they're willing to tell families etc something else.

I always think anyone who thinks they can't fall pregnant by just using contraception and no condom, is also lying...especially if they already have children...or just really stupid.

This. Go and get it sorted quickly and quietly. It's your body, your (good) reasons. Don't turn it into a drama.

I do think he has a right to know. But would likely go ahead in secret if I knew I would face immense pressure to carry it to term against my will.

Could you potentially explain it to him the way you explained it to us?

A condom is also contraception.

I really can't imagine not telling my husband this. But only you know your circumstances and only you can make this decision.

All these posters saying OP's husband has a right to know, no he bloody doesn't its not his body! I'm so fed up of men thinking they have rights to a decision about a pregnancy when it isn't their body!

@Tothink do what you feel is best for you. Your husband gets no say and if you do tell him and he guilts you tell him when he has a vagina, can concieve then carry a baby full term and birth it then he gets a say but until mother nature and biology grant men this ability he gets no input into whether you continue the pregnancy especially when you are the one doing 95% of the child rearing whilst he gets a full nights sleep and can go to work the whole day.

Also not every woman has an easy pregnancy its a lot to put your body through and your husband isn't making the lifestyle changes and going through pregnancy related health issues like morning sickness whilst juggling two other children so its easy for him to think another baby is doable when he isn't doing the hard work.

Maybe not 95% but I did the vast majority too. Dh working a lot.

I told dh if a no 3 should come along...things would have to change. He would have to do 50-95%...changes jobs...carry the can. I would work full-time and he do the house/kids/baby care/nights etc around his work.

So unless he is willing to take on that...he shouldn't pressure you into it.

I wouldn't see it as betrayal. Your mother' situation and reasons for a termination could have been quite different to yours - that doesn't mean she can't empathise with you. Or are you saying she didn't support you in your situation at all?
In any case, why should your mother have told you? How is it any of your business? Isn't she entitled to privacy? What were you doing looking at her medical records and how did you access them? If I were your mother I'd view your invasion of my privacy as a huge betrayal.
And it is not inevitable that someone will find out, as you imply. I kept my termination, at 18 years old, entirely secret - and I was living with my parents at the time and continued to do so for a further three years. They both went to their graves never knowing.

Wow! What an aggressive post. You know nothing about this man but you certainly seem to have a negative opinion of him.
I don't believe he has done anything wrong.

I think you should schedule what you need. Be kind to yourself. Take time to process this and in a couple days, before a termination, let DH know you don't want more kids right now and the choice you've made and the situation you are in. He should be supportive of you, even if he wants a different choice. And if he's that surprised then he should be doing more. Why is your sleep broken but he gets 9hrs uninterrupted? You don't need to be doing so much more than him at home. Just because he does paid work 40-60 hours a week DOES NOT mean you need to do unpaid work 140 hours a week. That isn't fair.

Nothing is ever entirely one sided, but I wouldn't tell him, especially as it wasn't an intentional pregnancy.
At least you know your own, very human weaknesses and it will affect your own body during and after you carry the child as you have expressed.

You seem to be speaking from inside a perfect marriage. This is not what OP has.

I think OP's husband lost the right to know when he completely opted out of any childcare or care for how coping with it all alone is running his wife ragged.

This is not currently a marriage of equals. They may need counselling to get there but in the meantime OP has an unwanted pregnancy to deal with and an unsupportive and potentially controlling husband.

OP needs our support to do what she needs to do for herself and the children that she already has, not guilt-tripping her into a dangerously controlling situation where she feels it will be difficult for her to assert her bodily autonomy.

Do what you have to do OP. Sounds like he doesn’t lift a finger with the kids, and it’s not his body, mental health or career that will suffer should you go ahead with the pregnancy. He pays the money each month and that’s his contribution to family life. So no, he does not get a say, and does not have the ‘right’ to know. Anybody suggesting he has the right to know is basically saying that he gets to dictate what she does with her own body. Should you decide to terminate you can sleep soundly at night.

No idea why people say he has the right to know when it affects him not at all and the OP is the one doing all the childcare?

Could you get a nanny?

And he has no legal "right" to know whatsoever.

This, with bells and whistles. The smugness and moralising are despicable. Most of us live in the real world where pragmatism is the bottom line. Let's hope @Givemestrengthanddetermination doesn't find out the hard way that her marriage is less than perfect.

My relationship has lasted 27 years partly because we don't trouble each other with things the other person doesn't need to know.

Just to say that if you need your hand held through the termination process, PM me. xx

I’ve seen comments from other posters that it will come up on your medical records. It’s absolutely does not! Whichever provider you choose will ask if you consent to GP sharing. If you say no, no one outside of that clinic will ever know. You don’t have to tell anyone, anything. The choice should be yours alone. And if you call a provider to access a termination, they will ask you to clarify it is YOUR decision. Good luck with whatever you decide x

I personally believe that the mother has every right to decide to terminate and nobody else needs to know. I could easily keep a secret like this forever. Just be sure you can and it won't eat away at you.

I think it's important to include him in making the choice but it doesn't have to be all on his terms. You could offer to keep the baby if he agrees to work part-time or be a stay at home Dad while you work full time. It doesn't matter if you don't think that's possible, the point is you're offering him a way to bring this child into the world and if he really wants it that badly, he'll make it happen.

Realistically, he'll say he can't give up work or go part-time but stick to your guns and tell him that's the option - you've done it for the first two and if he wants a third then it's his turn to be the primary carer and your turn to sleep all night and leave the house all day.

Depends how resilient you are... nobody need know, just take the tablets. Own your decision, it's your body.

If it were me, its totally my decision. In My current situation I would be the most affected by an unplanned pregnancy. But there again I can, and have had to, compartmentalise life events. Can you?

The situation is very different because they are both trying not to conceive. That's why OP is taking contraception. Her husband supports this. OP is now accidentally pregnant which is not what either of them want.

In the ttc scenario that you have suggested for comparison, dh's vasectomy makes the pregnancy that the dw wants impossible.

In the OP''s situation, an abortion would achieve what they both want: no pregnancy. So no, not comparable at all.

For a comparable scenario, OP would have to stop taking her contraception without telling her husband, thereby achieving a pregnancy that he didn't want. That is not what has happened here. In this case, neither of them want her to conceive but it has happened anyway.

You are in a difficult place OP. Take your time. Maybe try a hypothetical conversation with your husband to test the water. Maybe he will consider a vasectomy in future? Maybe he would support an abortion? Maybe he would step up and help with some of the childcare in order to avoid your need for an abortion? Would that change things for you?

Only you can decide and so many of us on MN are here for you. Do what you need to, OP.