To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

He doesn't need to experience that emotion at all if OP doesn't tell him. She's saving him from unnecessary anxiety about a decision she's already made for her sake and the sake of her existing family. You get it together.

Yeh unless he’ll take on the full physical burden of pregnancy is opinion isnt relevant in this situation. He’s welcome to have an opinion, but if it differs from OPs then she gets to choose.

TBH it would be difficult to hide so you would have to tell someone. Either you need to clinic appointments or you need to take tablets at home. Neither are easy.

It won’t work once you’re already pregnant. It stops ovulation.

I can only talk about my marriage but I would never not tell my husband as we conceived together and I think he has a right to know.

I have always supported a women’s right to control over her own body and ultimately it’s your choice.

but on a personal level I found myself in a similar position to you many more years ago than I care to say. I dithered as the pregnancy was unexpected, but I had him and am so, so glad I did. He has grown into an amazing man who I am proud to call my son.

but I think you must tell your husband, it’s his child too. Good luck!

@ReplaceTheLinen just because you personally would find the decision difficult doesn't mean it is an actual ethical dilemma. That is more about how we are socialized than anything else though.

You must do what’s best for you.

Of course it is when the only reason for lying in the first place is to save your partner from unnecessary anxiety and upset about a decision you've made for the sake of your existing relationship and family's continuing happiness. What is the point of OP's DH having the knowledge of a situation and a decision that may cause him distress, but which he can't change? It would be cruel to tell him if OP knows he would not be supportive of her decision.

Yes, as you say, you can only talk about your marriage.

You can get abortion pills called Telemedicine through the post the MSI reproduction choices don't take the morning after pill. It won't work now you are pregnant)
You take 3 tablets over two days and heavily bleed and pass the pregnancy, you can talk to someone also they offer counselling support also.

Maybe it is but that doesn't change that for some people, it is an ethical dilemma. For me it would be huge.

I accept other people don't feel that way and view it very differently to what I do.

I've been able to put my own feelings aside to support someone in the past, but I'm not sure people who can't see from my perspective (even if they don't agree with it) could likewise support me.

I don't think OP's situation is as simple as 'just do it'. It sounds from my reading that she would want this baby if things were different. Yet I understand things aren't different. She could talk to her DH to see if things can be different but whatever he promises, there's no guarantee he'll follow through, and then the baby is here with it all falling on her. She said she's calling the pregnancy advice line and I think that's a good move. They can help her work through all these issues to the heart of what she wants to do for certain.

My mam kept a termination secret into her 50s. We found out as it showed up on medical records . I was hurt because I went through a termination when I was young and she didn't tell me and watched me go through the decision and termination and never said a thing . I could of really used some advice or just her to say it was ok or she knew how I was feeling . When I found out in my 30s I was hurt and felt a lot by it . My point is it's something you will carry for rest of your life alone or until someone finds out one way or another.then your dealing with years of what they would see as betrayal and lies

And so instead of reading OP's posts and putting yourself in her situation (because it differs to yours) you've decided to give advice based on your marriage. OK then.
And you may think a potential father has the "right" to know about a potential baby, but the law in the UK doesn't agree with you (and nor do I).

It will only come up on medical records if you seek a referral from the GP. If you self-refer to BPAS (or elsewhere) the GP will only know if you choose to tell them.

@ReplaceTheLinen I'm not saying "just do it" I am saying the choice is hers and she does not need to include her husband in the decision making if she doesn't want to.

It isn't an ethical dilemma because abortion is not ethically wrong. It can be a hard personal decision but abortion itself is ethically neutral.

Have only read 1/3 of thread, but have recently had a barrage of gynecological investigations. DH came to most with me. My obstetric history (they ask, rather than trawl back years through your notes) consisted of "Yes, I have 5 children. Vaginal births"
No mention or need to mention terminations I'd had. Surely this would only be relevant if the termination was for medical reasons.

OP do what's best for you. Do consider that it may be difficult if you can't be open with your spouse and the 'secret' may bother you. He definitely does not have a right to know though.

And when you're both working, you're absolutely both sharing the childcare!

I'm not sure why people keep referencing medical records? Nothing to do with him and he won't see them. He had no right to.

Not you personally, just a general thread vibe from some. No, she doesn't have to include her DH.

Personality comes into a lot of what is going to be right for OP. Some can live with not telling, others couldn't carry the secret. For some of us it is an ethical dilemma, even if it isn't for others. Individual perspectives. I hope OP gets a support person at the pregnancy line that understands these nuances so she ends up with the best decision for her as an individual.

@Tiffanycat

Women don't "carry it their whole lives" - all the data we have tells us that women who have abortions are satisfied with their care, that it is vanishingly rare to regret an abortion, and that women who have them don't really think about them later down the line.

Additionally these days you can request that they aren't logged on your medical records, so the only person who could "tell" is OP so how would any one find out - its pointless and judgemental to keep repeating this nonsense.

I am really sorry you are struggling, OP.

You have only just found out and will be reeling, take a bit of time to process and think things through.

Your post suggests to me there is a wider issue with the dynamic of the home and your marriage which needs addressing. It sounds like you need more help, or breaks. I get that your DH works a lot and money is tight, but it is definitely something to put your heads together about and approach as a team to find solutions. Before you burn out!

I honestly think you could blow up your marriage by terminating and not telling him first.

The fact that you’d love a third but just can’t imagine how you’d cope could be a way of letting your DH know how much you’re struggling, and prompt creation of some concrete resolutions for these issues. Similarly he needs to sit up and pay attention to what you need in relation to this pregnancy.

All the best.

You sound like you know your mind and the weight of your husband pressuring you will be more than the weight of a termination.
FWIW going throwing BPAS doesn’t show on your medical records and they will tell you at the appointment that if you experience heavy bleeding or other complications you can present at a and e and tell them you’re having a miscarriage, mentioning it’s a termination isn’t necessary at all so this would be an option if you needed it.

Like you I recently had an unexpected pregnancy. Looking back I’m still not sure HOW because I’m so neurotic about contraception. It was a horrible shock as in an ideal world DH and I would have loved another baby but I’m not long post surgery and it just wouldn’t be safe and I have other children to consider. Thankfully I knew DH would be on the same page so I did let him know but equally I could have managed it physically on my own. If you’re going to keep it a secret from him though please make sure you have someone you can talk to - I didn’t expect to be as devastated as I was and I found myself really needing to have a good cry at someone.

I'd be in the same position as you OP with a partner who would not be on board with a termination, so id have no hesitation whatsoever of keeping it from him.

Well said. I had a termination when I was 18 for reasons that were absolutely right for me and I've never regretted it. I can honestly say my subsequent lovely life would not have been the same had I proceeded with the pregnancy, and the only time I think about it is when I read threads like this (and I still don't regret it).
I also get heartily sick and tired of reading opinions from people - particularly other women - telling women in this position how they should feel/think/act. To terminate a pregnancy, or not, is a deeply personal decision and dependent entirely on the circumstances and feelings of the woman involved, and is absolutely no-one else's business (even their partner's).

He doesn't have a right to know, actually. You may think that's the moral thing to do but he doesn't "have the right."