To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

@Step5678 "Is there anyone irl you could confide in and who would support you? A close friend or sister?" To add, I wouldn't do this. Anyone you tell could inadvertently slip up (without any malicious intent at all) or the relationship you have with them could change over the years and they might absolutely want to reveal it to your DH to cause trouble. I always say, a secret can only remain a secret if you tell absolutely no-one.

He should feel disappointed that he couldn't make her feel loved enough to feel confident that she would have his support.

He's in the wrong here.

OP is simply doing what she has to to maintain the family she has. She's a hero and he needs to step up.

Maybe she needs support to make him see that? Couples counselling in the future, maybe?

You don't have to justify anything to anyone.
You don't want a baby. Good enough reason.

His opinion doesn't count? This is terrible advice. What if a man said that about a woman?

Ah also, we are very lucky to be in a position where I could get away with not returning to work for another couple of years (we can survive on DH’s income) BUT it does mean cutbacks, ie we haven’t been on holiday since I stopped working, we have to be careful not to splurge on any many luxuries. It would be nice to be able to holiday once a year and not constantly having to think twice before stepping foot in M&S foodhall! It’s doable but I’d like to be bringing in a wage now.

Absolutely. That should be the key question. Why did she feel she had to even consider not telling him?

I think that you should tell him as soon as possible but if you really think that you want a termination you must say to him that you think that the best thing for your family is to have a termination.
If you think you may regret a termination even just a little bit then don't do it.

Having a secret vasectomy isn’t even remotely comparable to having g termination when as a couple you were already actively using precautions to prevent a pregnancy.

if the OP said they were actively trying for a baby having discussed it, but now she’s pregnant she wants to terminate but not tell him, that would be closer to your scenario. Depriving your partner of the opportunity to have a child because you know they’d leave you if you said you didn’t want children at all so you told them you wanted to try then did what you could to prevent it is an awful deception. Falling pregnant whilst on contraception with no discussions about having a third child is not even remotely in the same category.

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can’t imagine how hard this must be. If you decide to go ahead with the termination and not tell your husband, do you have a trusted friend that you can confide in, that could go to appointments with you, be there for moral support throughout and afterwards and you be confident they will never tell a soul? If you don’t, but want someone to go with you and talk to etc, I’m in the East Midlands - DM me if you’re anywhere near and I’ll be your support. I don’t know your husband or anyone you know, so you can be assured I wouldn’t tell him. It might be with trying to find someone online who lives in your area, or who could just be virtual support for you. You don’t even have to tell them your real name.

Good luck with it all. I do think it’s worth talking to your husband about stepping up. He needs to pull his weight. My STBXH is crap as both a husband and a father - but he was helpful in the early years! When I was on maternity leave I did the night wake ups as I could catch up on sleep during the day, at weekends he would get up in the morning to give me a lie in. When I went back to work, we kept the sane routine at the weekend as I coped better with disrupted sleep if I could get a solid few hours once he was up - but he did his fair share of wake ups midweek. He also did the nursery drop off and I did the pick up so that neither of us had a crazily long day. Your husband needs to do his share when he’s at home. He can’t help working away I’m sure - but he can make sure he steps up when he’s is at home.

Then you tell him you didn't even know you were pregnant (how could you be when you're on the pill?) and you appear to be having a miscarriage.
Best of luck OP - BPAS are excellent and very supportive. 🤗

I think you're very sensible and clear headed.

If DH will have an emotional reaction and not consider the practical aspects then you may have to be the adult here.

Yes I agree it is a massive deception and even if he never finds out this may affect you and how you feel in the marriage. I think he has a right to know. Good luck and look
after yourself it a very recent shock

He absolutely gets to 'not take it well'. Your body your choice doesn't give you carte blanche to deny anyone else emotion about it. Get it together.

When a man can carry a child for nine months and give birth to it, he can.

But, she should be able to tell him that she wants a termination and he should support her. Him not listening to her or supporting a termination when its her body is also a betrayal

It would be different, because the world is a different place for men and for women. In this situation, the person who is sleeping 8 hours a night (with 2 small kids!) definitely has no decision-making rights.

Luckily we are not in Gilead and the law does not require the OP to tell her DH or let him see her.medical records.

I agree but I think the deception of not telling her husband would eat away at the OP too. Difficult situation all round

It's either a bunch of dead cells or it's alive. Dead cells will naturally miscarry if it doesn't then it's alive by OPs choice.

@Tothink Do what you need to, don't tell him unless you plan on keeping it. If you bleed a lot it could be an unusually heavy bleed, they happen sometimes.

What's your point? The law doesn't require you to do a lot of things.

And that is why you don't have to mention it at all.

It's so early along you could just try the morning after pill?

Sorry I’m being silly, the only thing that matters with regards to lying in a relationship is that you don’t caught. Ignore me 🙄

When it comes to pregnancy, this is pretty much the rule of thumb though. If you said it’s 100% a man’s choice when it’s the woman who puts her life at risk by carrying the pregnancy and giving birth, that’s not even remotely comparable. If a man wants a vasectomy that is 100% his choice and no-one’s opinion but his own would count. No woman should force a man to have (or not have) a vasectomy, the same as no man should ever force a woman to have or not have a termination. And even then, the impact of those two things are completely different - one is reversible for example.

Comparison of a vasectomy to childbirth and being responsible for a child for the next 18 years or more is ridiculous