Neighbour keeps feeding my child - WWYD?

[AwayWeb]

Bit of a weird one and I’m probably overthinking it but would appreciate outside views.

Our 6yo daughter often plays with the neighbour’s grandson - their garden backs onto ours and they go between the two. It’s all very casual. They’re similar ages and get on well, so I don’t mind the time they spend together.

The neighbour is the boy’s grandmother (his mum drops him off there most days after school) and while she seems nice, I don’t actually know her well. We wave, chat briefly over the fence, but we’ve never had a proper conversation or anything.

What’s bothering me is that nearly every time DD comes back from playing, she’s eaten a whole meal over there. Not just a snack - an actual meal. Things like sausage rolls, fish fingers, chips, even dessert. She came back yesterday saying she had trifle. TRIFLE. She’s 6. She doesn’t even know what trifle is at home.

We’re vegan as a family and although we’ve never made a big deal out of it, I think they know. DD has mentioned it and I’ve said things like “oh she won’t eat that, we don’t do meat”. But they clearly feed her meat anyway. I don’t want to be the overbearing food mum but I feel a bit… undermined?

DH says it’s harmless and to let it go. He thinks I’m being precious and that a few fish fingers won’t kill her. Which, fair. But I just feel a bit odd about it all. I never gave permission for them to feed her, and it’s happening regularly now. It feels like they’re doing us a favour we didn’t ask for, and I can’t tell if I’m being rude by not saying thank you or being walked over by not saying stop.

Would it be completely out of order to ask them not to feed her anymore? Or at least ask what they’re giving her? I’m not trying to start neighbour wars but it’s making me a bit anxious now.

WWYD?

Have you given your daughter the option on whether she wants to be vegan OP? She obviously enjoys meat/dairy? Just wondering if maybe she’s saying yes as she knows she won’t get anything like that at home.

Mine isn't

Me too!! 😂

Grandmother's like to indulge in their grandchildren.
I make my own sausage rolls and trifle when I want them - you just can't beat homemade food!
The grandmother is clearly from a generation, unlike today's, where they will ensure there's plenty of food for unannounced guests.

If your daughter is old enough in your opinion to be out playing between friends' homes, then she is quite old enough to come back at certain times and to be able to politely decline offers of food she isn't supposed to be eating.

This is on you OP. She needs to be taught not to eat certain foods if she is on a strict diet. She needs to know that she can have the odd small treat from friends, but nothing bigger than say a packet of crisps.
If she doesn't understand then don't let her out

I think this is entirely on you. I have a 6 year old and I wouldn’t dream of letting them go and play at a house where I didn’t even know the adults, and certainly not for so long that they had a full on meal! That poor grandmother has been looking after your child for hours and is doing a lovely thing, perhaps she thinks you don’t feed her given you don’t seem to pay much attention to where she is?! I’m genuinely baffled that some people think this is normal or acceptable.

It sounds a lovely situation.

When my chidlren were young we lived in a small village, a number of children around, safe environment, I and the other families maybe 6 or 7 - all had the same attitude - and it was never decided or spoken about. It just evolved.
During summer holidays I never knew how many I would be feeding.
If a neighbours child was with us when I was serving a meal, they would get some food too. And I know other families would give food to my kids when the situation was reversed.
If there were a few kids over I would serve the visitors a small tea plate of food, maybe some garlic bread and sauce, or pasta.

When I was a child the environment was similar, visiting children would be given a small plate of chips or whatever, so they wouldn't feel left out.

Yes ok, fair play, I can see how it looks a bit mad in hindsight 😬 I think because it’s always felt so casual and the gardens back onto each other, it didn’t feel like a “she’s gone into someone else’s house” kind of situation… more like she’s next door playing and it blurs a bit. But I do know where she is and I’m around – I haven’t just let her vanish for hours, promise.

I’ve definitely taken on board what a lot of you are saying about needing to be more proactive – I think I’ve just been very British about it all and hoping hints would work rather than actually saying anything directly 🙃

As for the vegan thing – at home we eat vegan as a family because that’s how we cook and shop, but we’ve never said “you’re vegan, full stop”. I guess I did just assume she was following along, but this has made me realise she is her own person and clearly making her own choices when she’s out and about. Which is a bit of a parenting milestone I wasn’t ready for, lol.

Thanks again – this thread’s been a lot but actually really helpful.

You barely know the woman aside from the odd wave
and yet totally chilled with your young child spending hours over very regularly?

I don’t get what the issue with trifle is? We’re also a vegan family and I’d be far more bothered about the meat unless there’s allergies as well. I wouldn’t be frequently letting my child go over to an unknown person’s house - especially not if your child is not able to communicate things like dietary requirements etc. If you want to continue letting them play at their house then you should speak to the woman and get to know her/let her know you’ll be making DD meals at home so no need to cook for her.

may be adjust timings of when you serve her food
Because clearly she’s hungry when the neighbour is serving at that time

Also missed point of the thread (though I would just have a chat and get her back home at mealtimes) but I’ve been making trifle for my kids since they were tiny. It has just five ingredients and it’s one of the kids favourite things! It has cream, custard (both could be vegan!), Madeira cake, fresh raspberries and a bit of sugar. Nothing scary. Don’t add jelly. So fresh and delicious!

Just ask them to please send her home if they’re about to have a meal because although it’s very kind of them to feed her, you would rather she ate meals with her family.

Well they are giving her access to real food that you are clearly never going to give her.

I've just added trifle to my shopping list. Thanks OP.

But that’s not entirely true. She does eat meat.
Her family may be vegan. She may grow up and also choose to be vegan, but children shouldn’t be restricted (allergies/religious exceptions) and if the daughter chooses to eat a fish finger then that’s ok. Mum doesn’t need to eat meat or provide meat in her home, but in the wider world, the daughter should have the freedom to choose.

It also reads like mum still doesn’t get the larger red flag of her young child being in the care of people she doesn’t know. Anyone and anything could be happening in that house and you being loosely in the vicinity is not protecting your child.

I feel this thread might actually have been started by the trifle marketing board to make us all want (non-vegan, dairy loaded) trifle for tea.

Maybe invite them to play at your house and provide food yourself just an idea

I'd be a lot more worried about my young child regularly being in the care of someone I hardly know, rather than eating the odd homemade pudding to be honest.

Me neither! Out of all the many problematic aspects of this situation, the most horrifying one is undoubtedly the TRIFLE!! 😂

TRIFLE of all things 😱

Not sure why trifle is capitalized?? Is it that unusual these days?!

It's a trifle concerning but come on!

It’s a bit odd to offer an entire meal without checking with parents. May be kind but might also be anti-vegan… the old ‘poor child being abused by not eating animal product’ brigade so let’s fill her up with so called proper food. Through you’ll never know which it is unless you ask. I do think it strange your child spending so mu chi time with people you barely know or seemingly talk to though.

It's telling that your child wolfs down a meal offered by the neighbor really

The thread is over

When I was a kid my mum was always feeding the stray children we brought in with us. It was probably normal for the gran to do this with her own kids, so she probably assumes that’s how it is now. I generally feed children who turn up in my house, but kids DD or DS bring in to play normally live on the street so I know their parents.

Speak to them!! I agree with your DH to be honest, I’d be happy if someone was feeding my kids, but if it bothers you talk to them about it. This woman probably thinks she’s doing a nice thing and doing you a favour.