Neighbour keeps feeding my child - WWYD?

[AwayWeb]

Bit of a weird one and I’m probably overthinking it but would appreciate outside views.

Our 6yo daughter often plays with the neighbour’s grandson - their garden backs onto ours and they go between the two. It’s all very casual. They’re similar ages and get on well, so I don’t mind the time they spend together.

The neighbour is the boy’s grandmother (his mum drops him off there most days after school) and while she seems nice, I don’t actually know her well. We wave, chat briefly over the fence, but we’ve never had a proper conversation or anything.

What’s bothering me is that nearly every time DD comes back from playing, she’s eaten a whole meal over there. Not just a snack - an actual meal. Things like sausage rolls, fish fingers, chips, even dessert. She came back yesterday saying she had trifle. TRIFLE. She’s 6. She doesn’t even know what trifle is at home.

We’re vegan as a family and although we’ve never made a big deal out of it, I think they know. DD has mentioned it and I’ve said things like “oh she won’t eat that, we don’t do meat”. But they clearly feed her meat anyway. I don’t want to be the overbearing food mum but I feel a bit… undermined?

DH says it’s harmless and to let it go. He thinks I’m being precious and that a few fish fingers won’t kill her. Which, fair. But I just feel a bit odd about it all. I never gave permission for them to feed her, and it’s happening regularly now. It feels like they’re doing us a favour we didn’t ask for, and I can’t tell if I’m being rude by not saying thank you or being walked over by not saying stop.

Would it be completely out of order to ask them not to feed her anymore? Or at least ask what they’re giving her? I’m not trying to start neighbour wars but it’s making me a bit anxious now.

WWYD?

You can't really do anything if she's dropping in to play and they are having meals while she's there. It would be rude of them not to offer her food - that's probably how they see it.

Maybe talk to your child, and invite the other child to yours to try some vegan food as well!

Surely the easiest thing to do is have an adult conversation about it? 🤔🙄

I bloody love trifle ! (Misses whole point of thread)

Gosh, no. That's not on. I wouldn't want my kids fed rubbish like sausage rolls and trifle, vegan or not. I think you're going to have to have a word with her. "Emily has her tea at 5pm. I'll have it ready for her. Could you send her back home then, please?"

Well you may be vegan but your child isn’t, clearly.

If you don’t want her eating there then you need to tell her to say no, she has food at home etc.

Are you upset that she is getting a meal when you have already cooked or are you upset that she is eating non vegan food?

They must eat at different times to you if your DD is getting a full meal, so why don't you ask them to send her home when they are about to eat?

Wwyd...I'd let her make up her own mind. She's vegan at home you can't force her to be vegan everywhere everyday. You'll have to let her choose at some point or she'll do it behind your back when older. Let her make up her own mind if she has a fantastic healthy varied vegan diet at home she'll come to it herself in time.

At 6 you obviously think she's old enough to be out at meal times so perhaps she's old enough to decide what she eats

I don't think it's fair to put this on the child and expect her to refuse if she's offered food. It should be between the adults.

Is your daughter vegan? Because none of the things you say they have fed her are vegan, so that would be my first issue if I was you. My second would be worrying that my child wasn't getting enough to eat at home if she is hungry to that degree when she's there. Is she there over mealtimes? Maybe the woman feels obligated to feed her if they are all eating, anyone would really. Also not sure why there is a need for outrage about a six year old eating trifle, unless it's the vegan thing, but just tell your daughter to say no thank you she'll be eating at home later.

I think the woman is being kind and obviously thinks she's doing you a favour, plus presumably your daughter is happily accepting the food when offered, but it's your child and you have every right to ask her not to feed her and to tell your daughter to come home when she's hungry.

If you really object then you need to have a conversation with your neighbour and choose your angle on whether it’s that your indignant that she is being fed non-vegan food or that she is being fed when you are already preparing a family meal.

Either way if your child is readily eating the foods then have a think about whether she is enjoying vegan food as much as you are.

In my generation lots of children will have had trifle ( homemade of course ! ) I have my late mother's trifle dish - the amount of Sundays / holidays / celebrations that dish was presented onto our dining room table with love.

Anyway - make sure you call / collect your child home well before lunch / tea or dinner, and keep her home until well after lunch / tea or dinner will have finished.

I think that your child is either old enough to be supervised on a play date by another adult and, therefore, you trust them to meet her needs appropriately (which includes feeding her) or else you don’t and she stays home.

What happens when the boy plays in your house or does that never happen?

There’s two things to this:

1)If they are feeding her because she is there at their me times then stop her going there at that time - it’s rude.

2. Your daughter is 6, she’s entirely old enough to say, no thank you when offered food and come home when dinner is set out in another house.

“Ask them to send her home” er no - go and get your kid before meal times. They’re doing a good thing for you, entertaining your kid, so either accept she might eat things you don’t agree with or ensure they’re not put in that position

With respect the food isn’t the issue here. You aren’t supervising your 6 year old. If she’s in their house long enough for her to eat a full meal and you not know, you don’t have any idea what’s happening.

you don’t know the family, you don’t know their values etc.

Just be careful is all I’m saying. You have no idea what she’s being exposed to, seeing , hearing etc.

(yes I work with a lot of safeguarding so can’t help but think of it)

I think this is all quite odd that your dd is out of your sight at 6 long enough to have a meal, over a meal time?, with what you describe as basically strangers. Would you even know if they drove off somewhere for example with her? At 6, can’t your dd say ‘I have to go home for dinner’?

Clearly your child isn’t - and doesn’t want to be - vegan - sounds like a you problem rather than a neighbour problem

If OP thinks her 6 year old is old enough to be spending time with an adult that OP doesn’t actually know very well then she is also old enough to know & communicate that she has tea at home.

I can understand the full meal aspect is annoying if you're cooking too.
However, we are all adults for far longer than we're children. Your DD is not your extension and you have a responsibility towards her not rights over her, so you have to work with her and how she feels. I see this now mine are teens and the dynamic really shifts.
While you can share your preferences with her, she will at friend's houses/parties/school see and experience other situations.
If this was an issue of allergies or cleanliness I would step in but could there be a compromise - you cook for both DC some times?

I think you’re overreacting about the trifle but obviously if you want her to be vegan and they’re feeding her meat you need to step in and put a stop to it.

As an adult this is up to you to deal with. You could ask the parent if they eat at a set time and ensure that your daughter is not there at this time or if it varies ask them to send her home before eating. Do you know if she is getting full portions or just a taste?

Am I the only person who thinks the OP is a cheeky one getting Grandma next door to look after her child and then complaining about what she's been fed??

I'm thinking try looking after your own child because you're basically taking the piss - vegan or not.

I feel sad for your trifle-less child.

Invite the neighbour round with her grandson. You can make a good lunch and thank her for giving your daughter meals. You can say that she’s vegan at home and see how the neighbour reacts. You’ll have to collect your dd earlier and cook for her.

I can't get past the OP's horror at TRIFLE