Neighbour keeps feeding my child - WWYD?

[AwayWeb]

Bit of a weird one and I’m probably overthinking it but would appreciate outside views.

Our 6yo daughter often plays with the neighbour’s grandson - their garden backs onto ours and they go between the two. It’s all very casual. They’re similar ages and get on well, so I don’t mind the time they spend together.

The neighbour is the boy’s grandmother (his mum drops him off there most days after school) and while she seems nice, I don’t actually know her well. We wave, chat briefly over the fence, but we’ve never had a proper conversation or anything.

What’s bothering me is that nearly every time DD comes back from playing, she’s eaten a whole meal over there. Not just a snack - an actual meal. Things like sausage rolls, fish fingers, chips, even dessert. She came back yesterday saying she had trifle. TRIFLE. She’s 6. She doesn’t even know what trifle is at home.

We’re vegan as a family and although we’ve never made a big deal out of it, I think they know. DD has mentioned it and I’ve said things like “oh she won’t eat that, we don’t do meat”. But they clearly feed her meat anyway. I don’t want to be the overbearing food mum but I feel a bit… undermined?

DH says it’s harmless and to let it go. He thinks I’m being precious and that a few fish fingers won’t kill her. Which, fair. But I just feel a bit odd about it all. I never gave permission for them to feed her, and it’s happening regularly now. It feels like they’re doing us a favour we didn’t ask for, and I can’t tell if I’m being rude by not saying thank you or being walked over by not saying stop.

Would it be completely out of order to ask them not to feed her anymore? Or at least ask what they’re giving her? I’m not trying to start neighbour wars but it’s making me a bit anxious now.

WWYD?

When my DC were younger it i would always give food to any friends that were round playing and their parents would do the same with my dc. I would consider it weird and rude not to.

So your child has been over to the neighbours house numerous times where she is fed and you have not once had the boy over to yours? That is unreasonable in itself, let alone the weird comment about the trifle.

I think 'trifle' must be a typo for 'beer' surely?

Most trifle isn't vegan. I agree with the posters who say that the OP needs to be supervising her child more. OP needs to get to know the boy's granny better if his/her child is spending lots of time at granny's house.

So does the neighbours grandson play in your house too?

As PP’s have already said, seems really odd that you don’t know her well enough to discuss the food issue but are more than happy for your dc to spend so much time there.
You can’t have it both ways.

It really is as simple as knocking on her door and having a conversation. If you are feeling nervous you could even angle it as "You really dont have to feed her, I would hate for her to eat you out of house and home" or something.

I think the actual issue here is you imposing veganism on your child. It's not a decision a child should have made for them and I think it's actually borderline abusive if you are refusing her meat because of your beliefs.

For those surprised that she hadn't tried trifle, I wouldn't expect a vegan to have trifle, as it is usually made with gelatine, cream and milk. I'm not sure how palatable it would be if using vegan substitutions.

Due to several similarities, this thread reminded me of the very recent one where OP was complaining about the grandson entering her garden early in the morning to play - despite her DD being outside (without permission) and encouraging him.

That OP considered the grandparents and grandson at fault. If the same OP, I really think they should consider their DD's actions and lack of supervision/ clarity rather than trying to always put the blame on the grandparents.

You have tacitly agreed for them to feed her by not stopping it after the first time. The trifle tasting is on you and it sounds like she enjoys non-vegan food.

Dear god. Your child is only 6 and she ate TRIFLE. 😱

She has been missing out on this for at least 4 years. Poor kid.

Are they eating at very different times to you? I had this once with a play date DD went to, I turned up to collect her to bring her home for tea, to find them just clearing plates away! They must have had their main meal before 5pm. There had been no mention of having tea and it was only a 3 hour play date so nothing checked about any allergies. It was annoying as I’d already prepared food, but I thanked them, then made sure she was never there again over a mealtime. It messed up our meal timings, bedtime etc.

Some families are “feeders” and provide food for anywhere there at any time. Which is generous, but can have its annoying side too!

I'd also be very worried about any weight gain
If your cooking healthy meals at home ,you don't want her stuffed with chips and fatty foods
My kids all take after me ,and have a tendency to put weight on.
I personally would go round to the neighbours and ask them not to feed your daughter,but to send her home when they are about to eat .
You don't need to do anything other than that .
If they keep feeding her ,then you have a problem.

I really want a bowl if Trifle now

If I was the grandmother, your kid would be getting way more than trifle. I’m feeding kids in the house unless someone specifically tells me not to. Any kids coming to mine will be getting full on dinners and puddings with a quick ‘are you having dinner with us/does your mum know you’re here?’ Although this is pre/teens I’m talking about. And I’m not going to any lengths to investigate. That said, I wouldn’t have a 6yo old in my house or my 6yo out of the house without better comms.

If you can’t communicate with someone freely, your small kid shouldn’t be with them unsupervised. I think that’s a fair measure of who’s safe to be in charge of your child.

Your 6 year old is spending time in a house with someone you've never had a conversation with, and you're worried about trifle? Maybe find out who is looking after and feeding your kid?

Intrigued by the posters who think feeding your child vegan food is tantamount to child abuse. You could argue that imposing meat eating on your child is food p indoctrination as well.
Im not vegan.

Do they eat at a very different time to you?
For example you might eat as a family at 7pm after a workday but they might do a children's tea at 5pm, when your daughter is very much still playing after school?

If it wasn’t for the vegan element I’d have just not let her go over between 12-1 and 4-6. But it’s like they are make a point . I’d pop round with chocolates or similar and say “it’s very kind of you to feed her but she doesn’t eat meat and we are preparing meals she’s not eating so we are wasting food. If you are eating please just send her home.thanks”

Just cos you're a vegan doesn't mean the kid is

If you think she’s eating too much junk you can change playtimes or stop her going there at certain times. I’m intrigued by your trifle comment because all kids in our family knew what a trifle was. Appreciate you’re vegan but i did the same in terms of letting ours have what they want when they’re out and about.

Same here! it was such a treat when I was a child, the special Sunday pudding after a roast dinner and I used to help my mum to make it. I am almost vegetarian these days and have not had a roast dinner or trifle for years but I now thinking about making both! Not the point of the thread I know but I am easily distracted

Unless being of an age to advocate for themselves, is it usual to let a child with food allergies go on a 3 hour playdate without informing the host of allergies?

I understand you may not have anticipated a full meal before 5pm, but most children would have snacks as a playdate tends to make them especially ravenous.

😂😂

Honestly I’ve laughed, winced and had several moments of “hmm fair enough” reading through these replies. Genuinely, thank you again – it’s been very eye-opening (and I’m now lowkey scared of trifle… might just make a vegan one out of spite 😅).

I completely take the point about the communication side of things. We’ve never had a proper conversation with the grandmother beyond pleasantries, and I think that’s probably where the weirdness is coming from – I don’t know her and yet she’s feeding my child full-on meals. Which I do appreciate, I promise! It just feels like I lost the thread somewhere.

To answer a few questions – no, we’ve never had the boy round to ours. Partly because they’re usually in the garden and end up drifting into theirs and then it’s dinnertime and then DD comes home saying she’s full. And yes, they definitely eat earlier than us. We usually eat around 6.30 and it sounds like they do a kids’ tea straight after school.

I think you’re right, I need to speak to her properly and just say “thanks so much, but can you send her back before tea, I’ll have something ready for her.” I can frame it like I don’t want to waste food or overfeed her (which is true!). And then we can go from there.

I’ll also talk to DD and let her know it’s okay to say no and come home if food is being served – not to make her feel bad, but just so she knows it’s an option.

Anyway, thanks again – this has really helped me get some perspective (even the trifle chaos). 😅

Trifle is rubbish?!😂

You let your kid play in a garden with a child you barely know and grandparents that you have no comms with?

I think you have bigger parenting problems that a few fish fingies!!

OP, it is up to YOU to either ask the neighbour to send your child home when it's the neighbour's mealtimes, OR go there and collect her. I always told my kids it was rude to be at someone's house at mealtimes unless they were invited to stay for dinner.