Neighbour keeps feeding my child - WWYD?

[AwayWeb]

Bit of a weird one and I’m probably overthinking it but would appreciate outside views.

Our 6yo daughter often plays with the neighbour’s grandson - their garden backs onto ours and they go between the two. It’s all very casual. They’re similar ages and get on well, so I don’t mind the time they spend together.

The neighbour is the boy’s grandmother (his mum drops him off there most days after school) and while she seems nice, I don’t actually know her well. We wave, chat briefly over the fence, but we’ve never had a proper conversation or anything.

What’s bothering me is that nearly every time DD comes back from playing, she’s eaten a whole meal over there. Not just a snack - an actual meal. Things like sausage rolls, fish fingers, chips, even dessert. She came back yesterday saying she had trifle. TRIFLE. She’s 6. She doesn’t even know what trifle is at home.

We’re vegan as a family and although we’ve never made a big deal out of it, I think they know. DD has mentioned it and I’ve said things like “oh she won’t eat that, we don’t do meat”. But they clearly feed her meat anyway. I don’t want to be the overbearing food mum but I feel a bit… undermined?

DH says it’s harmless and to let it go. He thinks I’m being precious and that a few fish fingers won’t kill her. Which, fair. But I just feel a bit odd about it all. I never gave permission for them to feed her, and it’s happening regularly now. It feels like they’re doing us a favour we didn’t ask for, and I can’t tell if I’m being rude by not saying thank you or being walked over by not saying stop.

Would it be completely out of order to ask them not to feed her anymore? Or at least ask what they’re giving her? I’m not trying to start neighbour wars but it’s making me a bit anxious now.

WWYD?

At 6 your daughter should know that she needs to ask you.

Sausage rolls and trifle are being touted as the devils food lol. In all seriousness though your child could have allergies and feeding someone else’s child without a conversation first seems like a bad idea. Just knock on the door and talk to her. You might have to explain what veganism is but at least you can make yourself clear and nip it in the bud.

Sounds like a mere trifle to me😆
I'd just have a word with an adult there and say thank you for feeding DD, but please could they send her back to ask me if it's ok to stay for lunch/tea first as we may have something planned. And say to DD that she must always ask you first. Also invite their boy to yours.

Trifle?!? Omg, call 999

Is she at the house at mealtimes. If so I can understand why the grandmother is feeding her. Can't you make sure she is not playing out when it's time to eat, and tell the grandmother to send her home when they are eating. It sounds as though she is very well meaning and kind to feed an extra child. Perhaps you could invite the grandson to eat with you
What is wrong with trifle for a 6 year old

Does your dd go to play around meal times? Maybe the grandmother is too kind to tell dd to go home and eat? Maybe dd says she’s hungry or would like to try trifle so the grandmother dishes some up?

I’m willing to bet that you’ve been laughed at your reaction to trifle but I have a child who has allergies and whipped cream or custard would make him sick.

I would talk to the grandmother about when meal and snack times are and ask her to send dd home when it’s meal or snack time for her grandson. Vegan diets aside, the costs could be adding up over time.

I think it’s fine to say to your neighbour “thanks ever so much for inviting her over all the time but can you kick her out when you serve dinner please otherwise she won’t eat the food I’ve prepared for this evening”.

I’ve said that to plenty a parent and had the same said to me.

My kids would always come home and ask if they were allowed to have meals with other kids they were playing out with. That way I could say no we were about to eat, or yes go for it. Can she not do that?

I'm pretty confused by this. I have my sons friends over and wouldn't dream of not feeding them if we are eating, it's pretty horrible and rude if I did.

Aswell as that, if they are at my house over a mealtime their mam will always message to ask if she needs to transfer me any money or bring food. Obviously she doesn't but she's just acknowledging the fact I'm feeding her child.

If you know you are feeding your child well 95% of the time there's no way you can complain about her receiving a free meal that's not to your liking.

This kind of thing will come up all the time as she gets older, she will eat in many different situations that you aren't in control of so you need to relax and let her have some trifle!

Yes, trifle isn't rubbish food, it's lovely. No wonder she likes going there.

I bet thats the most delicious food your child has eaten in the 6 years of her life so far! No wonder she loves visiting! 😆

When My Naughty Little Sister and Bad Harry ate all the trifle at the party, I was simultaneously horrified and impressed as a child.

Not being able to have trifle is a bloomin’ good reason not to be vegan (also misses point of thread).

I’m not really understanding this, why is your 6 year old in the house of someone you say you don’t really know?

Do they invite her over, does she take herself over? Is she asking for food or hovering around at tea time?

Send dd round with a vegan trifle to share?

I'm surprised you regularly allow your dd into a stranger's home long enough to eat a meal. No judgement, it sounds lovely and idyllic, but complete worlds away from where I grew up and still live. The neighborhood kids around here are feral and wander in and out of each other's houses. The man next door to me often has a tribe of them running around the house in the day, then at night I hear him getting off his face and threatening to batter people over the phone! The police and social services are always there. I would never let my children into a strangers home, but I guess my experience has been different.

Seriously though, stop letting your kid round their house without asking their permission, particularly around meal times. It’s actually quite rude on your side. They prob feed her because they feel rude that the boy is having his tea and to leave her out.

I think if you haven’t explicitly told them not to feed her then they probably think they are being nice, or even helpful. One of mine has multiple food allergies so I need to make anyone aware who is looking after her and always ask other parents about allergies. I probably wouldn’t think to check if someone was vegan though if I’m totally honest.

Same. Missing out on the deliciousness!

It sounds like she’s there at meal times ? And the neighbours are being polite in feeding her?

Have you actually had a conversation with the neighbour.

Kids are the worst for being in a home that isn’t their own and constantly asking for food even when not hungry. It’s just a new place, different stuff and a novelty.

For all you know the neighbour is annoyed at your daughter constantly asking for food but feels she can’t say no. Who knows!

The key to all the questions is to speak to her. Let her know that your daughter keeps coming home saying she’s eaten XYZ and as much as you appreciate it she doesn’t need to do that and would she like you to send round a little snack box filled with bits for her when she goes to play.

What’s wrong with trifle? (Clutches pearls) I don’t know what you’re annoyed about exactly the fact she’s getting fed or that it’s not vegan food . I think you should be grateful and suck it up. and if you are really upset by it go and chat to the lady . I don’t think she’s really done anything wrong

How much time is she spending over there that they get to feed her full meals? Perhaps tell her to come home at mealtimes, they will most likely be delighted. They are probably just being nice and not leaving her sitting there while the rest of the family eat but would only be too happy for her to leave.

I love the outrage over TRIFLE specifically 😆

Well you actually need to talk to them.

TB honest this sort of thing would be normal when I was a child. Round a friends house at tea time and you would get fed, even if it was just your next door neighbours. I would know if I could stay or if I needed to say no mums cooking me tea. So the gran has probably just assumed that it's ok especially if you haven't actually talked to her. She may not even know you are vegan at home, if your DD hasn't said anything.

God I'm vegan
I'd be livid at this
Yes they are undermining you

Why the OP hasn't even spoken to the women, she may have no idea.