Neighbour keeps feeding my child - WWYD?

[AwayWeb]

Bit of a weird one and I’m probably overthinking it but would appreciate outside views.

Our 6yo daughter often plays with the neighbour’s grandson - their garden backs onto ours and they go between the two. It’s all very casual. They’re similar ages and get on well, so I don’t mind the time they spend together.

The neighbour is the boy’s grandmother (his mum drops him off there most days after school) and while she seems nice, I don’t actually know her well. We wave, chat briefly over the fence, but we’ve never had a proper conversation or anything.

What’s bothering me is that nearly every time DD comes back from playing, she’s eaten a whole meal over there. Not just a snack - an actual meal. Things like sausage rolls, fish fingers, chips, even dessert. She came back yesterday saying she had trifle. TRIFLE. She’s 6. She doesn’t even know what trifle is at home.

We’re vegan as a family and although we’ve never made a big deal out of it, I think they know. DD has mentioned it and I’ve said things like “oh she won’t eat that, we don’t do meat”. But they clearly feed her meat anyway. I don’t want to be the overbearing food mum but I feel a bit… undermined?

DH says it’s harmless and to let it go. He thinks I’m being precious and that a few fish fingers won’t kill her. Which, fair. But I just feel a bit odd about it all. I never gave permission for them to feed her, and it’s happening regularly now. It feels like they’re doing us a favour we didn’t ask for, and I can’t tell if I’m being rude by not saying thank you or being walked over by not saying stop.

Would it be completely out of order to ask them not to feed her anymore? Or at least ask what they’re giving her? I’m not trying to start neighbour wars but it’s making me a bit anxious now.

WWYD?

We live in a very 90s feel estate with lots of kids in and out of everyone's homes. We all offer snacks, ice lollies and meals. However, I have every parents phone number, even if I'm not close to them personally.

1. To ensure they know where their child is and to contact them in emergencies.
2. They can contact me to say "send John home his tea is ready".
3. I can text saying "I'm making spag bol can John have some or is he having tea at home".

You need to be more in contact with people who your DD is spending such time with. Even send her over with a note and your number on, saying to contact you if there's any issues, or you can message to say "Mary's tea is in the oven tell her to be home for 5pm". They aren't doing anything wrong. Oh and your DD is not vegan, you are. She is getting old enough to make her own decisions x

Yep! This is exactly my point with it.

Happy to leave a 6 year old with someone she openly admits is essentially a stranger, but complaining about the food menu 😂

This. Just make it clear that she's got tea waiting after she's played at theirs.

All I got from this was the TRIFLE , capitalised in shock and horror. She's 6! That's criminal that she hasn't had trifle before the age of 6. We have it every Christmas, kids included. I'm sure it's not made with sherry - just fruit, jelly, sponge and custard. Of course, it's not vegan but neither of a fish finger.

Tbh you do sound a bit controlling with food so I agree with your DH. Part of giving your child freedom to grow and explore is allowing her to taste different foods. I would have the neighbour's grandkid over a few times to, to reciprocate a bit. You could also say to them that you feel bad and please feel free to send her back home when it's time to eat.

Stop sending her over there?!
You know when dinner time is by now, surely to God.

‘Aibu that my next door neighbour keeps sending her kid over to play at meal times, I don’t have any choice but to feed her, and there’s never been a thank you, and it’s never reciprocated.’

I personally think vegan is too strict a diet for a growing child. I speak as a strict vegetarian of over 30 years. I agree with your DH - they’re kind enough to entertain her and feed her, I wouldn’t be upsetting them for the sake of a few mouthfuls of trifle.

Wow I wasn’t expecting so many replies - thank you everyone, I’m reading through and trying to take it all in (and yes ok, maybe the trifle bit was a bit much 😳).

Just to clear a few things up - I’m not sending her over there as in “go and get fed” 😂 it’s more she hears the boy in the garden, they shout to each other, then they’re off playing. I’m usually pottering in and out or making dinner so it’s not like I’ve left her unsupervised all day, I promise.

I don’t think she’s going hungry at home - she eats loads. It’s more that I think they just offer when he’s eating and she’s there, and she probably just says yes. She’s 6, I don’t expect her to do the whole “thanks but I have a moral dietary framework” chat mid-playdate.

To those asking - yes I think of her as vegan because we are and that’s how we cook and eat at home. But I do realise now that out in the world she’s going to come across all sorts of food. I’m not thrilled she’s eating meat but I’m also not trying to ruin her fun, hence the whole internal panic.

Think I will try and have a friendly word or at least ask if they have a set dinner time so I can bring her home beforehand. And maybe have the boy round here too - they’ve never actually played inside ours, now I think about it.

Thanks again, even for the trifle jokes 😂

My son has Coeliac and from a young age he knows to always ask me before eating something that’s not fruit/veg, or something in a package he knows he can have. It’s important to teach a child to self advocate, but it depends on what is or isn’t important to you.
If you want her to only eat vegan food then you need to teach her to say no. If you don’t want her eating junk then same. But if you can just accept that she’s being fed (I think it’s very kind of the grandma) then leave it. It depends on how you choose to parent.

I think youre overreacting a bit. When my kids have friends over i also offer them food without asking parents. I wouldnt give them meat if i knew someones vegan or i definitely dont offer pork to our muslim playdates, but i think eating at a playdate is quite normal. I have to stock the fridge for some of my sons friends because they wont stop eating all day..

If youre upset about the meat, then have a conversation with them and tell them not to feed her meat anymore. If it still continues, then you have a reason to be really upset.
Maybe they just dont know? Or dont take it seriously?

I went from vegetarian to vegan a few yesrs ago and also really reduced meat i cooked for my kids and husband. They would still have meat a couple times a week when eating out or on weekends when DH cooks. But both kids kept telling everyone that we are vegan now! Sometimes while eating a ham sandwich on a school excursion 🤦🏻‍♀️
Kids say the wildest things, so maybe she just didnt take it seriously.

I'm not quite following how you are very focused on vegan food and trifle, but not particularly precious about your 6 year old spending so much time in the house of someone you don't know and leaving timings of her visits so open.

I think you need to have a chat to the neighbour, exchange numbers, make sure you both know what time she is coming home for tea. Maybe invite the boy over occasionally. If you were going to mention the vegan thing I think it should have been from the beginning.

You lost me at trifle. What on earth is wrong with trifle? Apart from the vegan bit.

You are in charge of your child, but you can’t police what someone else feeds them, especially if it sounds like you’re being judgemental (which it does).

You’re lapping up the friendship for your DD and the free child care. Either stop her going or let the food slide.

But you are in charge of how long she spends there.

Just go and get her before dinner time? If you're supervising her from the garden then surely you can see if she goes inside the boys house. I wouldn't be leaving my 6 year old unsupervised in the casual unofficial care of a woman I barely know, tbh, so I'd be supervising.

However, the grandmother should absolutely not be feeding a 6 year old without clearing dietary requirements with the parents first. My 6 yo has food allergies and isn't totally reliable enough to check every single time if she's offered food. I would never feed anything to another child without checking it with a parent first.

I haven’t had trifle in ages. Might have to have some soon now!

What is so terrible about trifle? Its criminal shes never had trifle before at the age of six!

Vegan trifle is pretty grim to be fair, even homemade.

My parents were strictly vegan, I used to love going to friends houses for a tea play date especially when they had stews or meat offered, I was around 6/7 at the time and I never told my parents I’d eaten meat out of fear. It took me until I was 13/14 to kick back at them, they had no right to make that choice for me. By the time I was 18 I’d left home and rarely went back because I couldn’t be arsed with the lectures, they were vegan, I ate a variety of meat and they didn’t like my choices. That’s my experience of being brought up in a vegan household.

As others have said, don’t send your DD over if you’re unhappy with someone feeding her.

So you’re happy to let her entertain your child but no happy for her to choose what to feed her. Perhaps you should host the play date, then you can choose what they eat.

🤣 this!

I doubt they are trying to undermine you. You said "oh, she won't eat that, we don't do meat" could easily be interpreted as "she's a bit fussy" so they offer, she accepts and they just assume she's a better eater in other people's houses (lots of kids are). I would say they are just offering out of politeness while their gs is eating.

However, I would not be happy with the processed food they were feeding her. Fine on a occasional basis but not multiple times a week. I would suggest either asking them not to feed your dd as "she's not eating the dinner I cook as she's too full", asking them to send her home when they're eating as you will have her dinner ready around the same time, figuring out what times they feed the gs and calling your dd home or telling your dd to decline and come home when they are eating.

Either supervise your child more and then you will have more control over what she does, or let her be independent and be relaxed about the food. Either approach is fine (so long as the neighbour is ok with it) but you can’t have it both ways.

How has your 6 year old never had trifle? Does she not eat school dinners? Or have lunches at nursery? I mean certainly mine weren’t eating it at 12 months, but certainly by 6, they are allowed pudding on the occasions it’s part of a meal.

I do, however, think the offering of meals (not snacks) is overstepping. It drives me nuts when I slave over cooking a really nice family meal and my dc come back from somewhere having filled up on fish fingers or sandwiches. Even worse sometimes they tell the parents that I’m not making anything for lunch or dinner, and they weasel out of eating a lovely healthy meal by guilting someone into feeding them junk. 🙄

I would expect a neighbour to lean over the fence and ask. It’s very easy to do. Or send a child home if they are eating a meal. I suspect they are the sort who feed everyone so you will need to have a word. I’d honestly fall back on food allergies if you think they won’t listen and just say she has a limited diet due to allergies and she can’t just be eating anything anywhere and that her filling up on snacks there means she’s not eating her dinner at home. Ask them to send her home if she’s hungry. And repeat.

Can someone explain to me what’s wrong with trifle, I’m not getting it

If you think your six year old is old enough to be going unsupervised and uninvited into the house of people you barely know then I think she's probably ok to say "No thanks, I have to go home for my tea". I don't think she needs to get into a discussion around veganism, but knowing she's not allowed to eat dinner there is a reasonable expectation.

I wouldn’t be happy with this. For one thing, it sounds like she’s being given a lots of processed junk and sugar. Really presumptuous of the neighbour too.

You need to have a polite chat with the neighbour and agree your daughter is to be sent home at their mealtimes.