Neighbour keeps feeding my child - WWYD?

[AwayWeb]

Bit of a weird one and I’m probably overthinking it but would appreciate outside views.

Our 6yo daughter often plays with the neighbour’s grandson - their garden backs onto ours and they go between the two. It’s all very casual. They’re similar ages and get on well, so I don’t mind the time they spend together.

The neighbour is the boy’s grandmother (his mum drops him off there most days after school) and while she seems nice, I don’t actually know her well. We wave, chat briefly over the fence, but we’ve never had a proper conversation or anything.

What’s bothering me is that nearly every time DD comes back from playing, she’s eaten a whole meal over there. Not just a snack - an actual meal. Things like sausage rolls, fish fingers, chips, even dessert. She came back yesterday saying she had trifle. TRIFLE. She’s 6. She doesn’t even know what trifle is at home.

We’re vegan as a family and although we’ve never made a big deal out of it, I think they know. DD has mentioned it and I’ve said things like “oh she won’t eat that, we don’t do meat”. But they clearly feed her meat anyway. I don’t want to be the overbearing food mum but I feel a bit… undermined?

DH says it’s harmless and to let it go. He thinks I’m being precious and that a few fish fingers won’t kill her. Which, fair. But I just feel a bit odd about it all. I never gave permission for them to feed her, and it’s happening regularly now. It feels like they’re doing us a favour we didn’t ask for, and I can’t tell if I’m being rude by not saying thank you or being walked over by not saying stop.

Would it be completely out of order to ask them not to feed her anymore? Or at least ask what they’re giving her? I’m not trying to start neighbour wars but it’s making me a bit anxious now.

WWYD?

I’m still reading through (so many of you have taken the time to reply, thank you!) and it’s definitely given me a lot to think about.

I think what I’m realising is that what started as “oh isn’t this nice and neighbourly” has kind of crept into something that feels a bit beyond my comfort zone. I didn’t see it as her being “in their care” before, more just over-the-fence play that drifted next door, but reading your replies, I can see why that’s not how it comes across. And yes, if it’s happening regularly and includes food, then it is a kind of informal care, and I’ve probably been a bit naive about that.

Re: the trifle (which I will apparently never live down 😂) – it’s not just about that one thing, it just surprised me in the moment because it was so far from what we eat at home. But I get it, it’s not the villain here.

Also lots of you have asked why we don’t have them over – tbh, no big reason other than routine and laziness. DD hears him out, runs off to play, and then they end up in their garden. I think I will try and turn it around now and invite them here a bit more, especially if it means I can actually supervise and offer something I’m comfortable with her eating. That way we can hopefully still keep things friendly without me feeling awkward about the whole food situation.

Really appreciate the different perspectives – even the tough love ones!

YABU to allow your daughter around to play when you've never spoken to the adults in the house. YABU for your daughter to have never had trifle!! So in summary, YABU.

You can say something - you can say you've bought shopping and she's not hungry for family dinner, so please send her home when they're eating.

I wouldn't bother going down the vegan route simply labour the point that food at home is going to waste.

Also your daughter is 6yrs old, not 2yrs. Tell her to stop eating there and to come home when they're eating.

Not sure how happy I’d be with my 6 year old spending so much time with a person who the extent to which I know them is a wave over the fence.

Be prepared that the boy might not actually be allowed to come into your house because he doesn't actually live next door and his parents don't know you - being minded by Granny including sometimes playing in their garden with a nearby child isn't going to be seen the same way as Granny letting him go off by himself into a neighbour's house to eat.

What time does neighbour serve dinner? And what time do you serve dinner? Maybe adjust as I say upthread because she’s very clearly peckish at the neighbours dinner timings!

Nor can l! Am l missing something here? What's so terrible about trifle?

I really want trifle now.

I’m glad that you have a good sense of humour OP.

It may be the case that the grandmother doesn’t understand what vegan means. Lots of people offer fish or chicken to veggies thinking that veggie means no red meat.

Your dd is 6. She probably eats what she’s given so may not know to question what food is unless you’ve specifically explained veganism. My son has an allergy and I’ve had to teach him to do this as it’s not always obvious.

I'm surprised you are happy letting your 6 year old into someone else's house who you dont even know except to exchange pleasantries with.

You sound so lovely and understanding, kids playing out the back while you potter and keep an eye is so much preferable to them sat on a screen .A quiet word might be the best way , like others have said , can you send him back for tea please, but thank you etc etc . Maybe drop them a vegan trifle off to thank them (joking ) ! It would be be a shame if they lost this friendship.

A trifle 🙀

Me too

but op doesn’t address this and is more focussed on trifle than the wider picture

I don’t understand. Is your DD vegan? Or is your household vegan but you’re happy for her to eat meat or at least other animal products at school, parties etc.? (It doesn’t sound like the latter). I think YABU not to have equipped your DD properly. In our family we don’t eat certain foods due to our religion, but DS has known since he was in nursery the names of the foods he doesn’t eat, and to ask and check whether something contains them. DS is now 6 and would be totally capable of saying ‘Does that have X in? Oh I’m sorry, I can’t eat that. Thank you anyway. I can eat something at home.’

Poor child. You are being precious and inflicting your ways on her and preventing her from socialising out into the rest of the world. The grandmother is only doing what a million mums and grans would have done time past. I know which I would prefer. Let her make memories with her little friend and enjoy the summer holidays without you imposing your choices on her.

well if she didn’t want to eat it then she wouldn’t. Just because you’re vegan she might not want to be. A friend of mine grew up vegetarian her mum is vegetarian she had never eaten meat until she turned 18. She tried a burger 1 day and decided it was nicer than a veggie burger and eaten meat since.

😂😂😂

Outrage over a 6 year old eating a trifle is peak MN. Ridiculous.

Is this a timing issue? Over meal times and not providing food to go for your child?

I agree. Maybe she's craving non vegan food

🤣 the horror!

especially if it means I can actually supervise and offer something I’m comfortable with her eating

This is the problem here. You're only pissed off cause your dd isn't playing to your rules.

Trifle ,fish fingers and sausage rolls ,what’s not to love

I think these are my thoughts too. Surely you want her back for dinner at XX time? I’d be making that clear. I don’t think it’s relevant that you’re vegan; I don’t think they care as much as you think about that; I suspect it’s more they either feel they should feed her or that it’s wholesome.
I would go and ask them why they’re feeding her by saying something like ‘she tells me she’s eaten - sorry that wasn’t my intention, I didn’t realise you were eating at 4!’ And see their reaction.. it might be the lady just likes feeding her.. in which case I think it sounds quite nice (but not every day) for your dd. I’d like a grandma next door who’d make me fish fingers once a week 😂 xx

OK. Being as we’ve all got trifle eyes and @AwayWeb seems to have a plan for dealing with the whole double-dinner thing to try.

I love a trifle but I have a friend who’s dairy intolerant - no, not one of ‘those’, she’ll happily pull the cream off a trifle and tuck into the rest. But you’ve got me thinking - vegan trifle, that could be a goer? So you get your non-gelatine jelly sachets, then you’d need something that would work for the sponge fingers part. All good so far. The cream - is there something plant based and good that can be whipped up?