Neighbour keeps feeding my child - WWYD?

[AwayWeb]

Bit of a weird one and I’m probably overthinking it but would appreciate outside views.

Our 6yo daughter often plays with the neighbour’s grandson - their garden backs onto ours and they go between the two. It’s all very casual. They’re similar ages and get on well, so I don’t mind the time they spend together.

The neighbour is the boy’s grandmother (his mum drops him off there most days after school) and while she seems nice, I don’t actually know her well. We wave, chat briefly over the fence, but we’ve never had a proper conversation or anything.

What’s bothering me is that nearly every time DD comes back from playing, she’s eaten a whole meal over there. Not just a snack - an actual meal. Things like sausage rolls, fish fingers, chips, even dessert. She came back yesterday saying she had trifle. TRIFLE. She’s 6. She doesn’t even know what trifle is at home.

We’re vegan as a family and although we’ve never made a big deal out of it, I think they know. DD has mentioned it and I’ve said things like “oh she won’t eat that, we don’t do meat”. But they clearly feed her meat anyway. I don’t want to be the overbearing food mum but I feel a bit… undermined?

DH says it’s harmless and to let it go. He thinks I’m being precious and that a few fish fingers won’t kill her. Which, fair. But I just feel a bit odd about it all. I never gave permission for them to feed her, and it’s happening regularly now. It feels like they’re doing us a favour we didn’t ask for, and I can’t tell if I’m being rude by not saying thank you or being walked over by not saying stop.

Would it be completely out of order to ask them not to feed her anymore? Or at least ask what they’re giving her? I’m not trying to start neighbour wars but it’s making me a bit anxious now.

WWYD?

I agree, OP is assuming that her 6 y.o informed the neighbour that they are a vegan family.

She hasn't had any conversation with this kind lady besides pleasantries.

She's happy for her 6 y.o to stay for hours including during meal times.

I think you are the inconsiderate person, OP.

The lady probably doesn't understand the vegan diet. My DM cooked my Dsis a vegan breakfast with scrambled egg. 😅

@FairKoala Wow! If that doesn't scream destroying your childs relationship with food by some kind of perverse aversion therapy, I don't know what does! I find that more disturbing than the original post to be honest!

I understand your concern: you are vegan, a principle is at stake. Our daughter had a school friend who could not join our daughter’s birthday party because it involved going to a Harry Potter film: they were Christians, HP was somehow in league with the devil. Playing with and eating with the neighbours will become a cherished memory from your child’s childhood, it will end anyway. Your child will ask how you could allow her, as a vegan, to eat in there. You will have an answer: you loved it, darling; we did not want to think we control your life; we did not want to put you off us/veganism. Or something else. Oh, the Harry Potter issue: we arranged a separate cinema visit for that girl, we made sure she was included in the fun

We moved to a new neighborhood and this was happening where a family with child similar age to mine were automatically including her in meals if my DD happened to be there at mealtimes. I approached the parents and said: "thankyou for feeding my child, but don't feel obliged to feed her - just send her home. Maybe just check with me if it's fine?" And it's worked well ever since. They just drop a text to ask. Sometimes I'm happy for her to eat there, other times I ask that they don't feed her, other times they just send her home and vice versa if could is at ours - I just ask 👍 Just have the conversation - you never know, maybe she's (grandma) is quietly seething that you're assuming she'll routinely feed your kid?!

This was my thought too. You say you don’t know the neighbours well, just a wave and hello, yet you let your six your old go into their house without you long enough to play and have full meals.

Have you ever been into their house? I’m struggling to understand how you can let your child go in there. If they are playing in the garden fair enough. If you hear them being called to go inside, then step in and say it’s home time. Or like others have said get to know the adults and have a conversation with them about the meals.

Not to derail the thread but I hate trifle. Cold custard and soggy sponge fingers that melt into mush? I really can't see the appeal. Mind you, haven't had it since I was a child and my mum was a terrible cook. What am I missing?

For a start you don't have to use sponge fingers that go mushy. A firm madeira type is best if you are buying but I usually make my own fatless sponge. It's a choice whether you have jelly or not. I do but not using it would keep the cake drier. Fruit is essential and can be fresh, frozen or tinned e.g. mandarin oranges. This is followed by thick custard and topped with whipped cream.

You can make any variations you like. My favourite is the Sainsbury's magazine Coronation trifle with blueberries. A simplified version is now my go-to celebration trifle.
Blueberry tiramisu trifle recipe | Sainsbury`s Magazine https://share.google/C8WKhHU0SM4eazU4G
I think this is although they've changed the name. I originally got it from the Sainsbury's magazine. It's quite fancy, not something you'd give random children for a weekday tea, but it can be simplified a lot.

Personally I don’t think it’s right that you force your views onto your child. Let her make up her own mind when she’s older. I think it’s great to be a vegan household but if she chooses to eat meat at school or when at friends you should allow her to… without being horrible once she starts school and starts attending parties you don’t want to be THAT parent making demands about it needing to be vegan butter etc… you also don’t want to make your DD fee different by taking a packed lunch when everyone else is having party food….
So I’d say as long as it’s all vegan at home, let her eat whatever while out, then once she’s old enough to know the difference herself she will be able to say ‘no thankyou I’m vegan!

Parents force their views on children all the time. Kids being brought up in a specific religion/no religion, eating meat, avoiding fast food, restricting screen time etc. All of these are parents forcing their views on children. Veganism, so long as the child's nutritional needs are met, it's no different.

@AwayWeb you were always going to get a pile on here. There is a lot of dislike for veganism on MN.

GPs are feeders! Completely different to when they were parents lol 😆

She's clearly just including your DD and being caring so the only way you can change it is talking to her.

Yes i thought this a bit odd too!

Id.not say anything to neighbour as it comes across a bit meh. The grandmother is providing free entertainment and food for your child with the best of intentions. To complain strikes me as off.
Id invite the other child to play at your house. Then you can control what is being eaten.
Failing that find out what time they grandmother gives the food to Ur child and bring them home just before that.
To complain is churlish.

I really want a homemade trifle right now. Nothing beats it.👍😊😊😊

Thanks. It's still not appealing, I have to say. Still has cold custard. My go-to dessert is homemade meringue with Nutella-type choc spread, toasted hazelnuts and clotted cream. Mmmm! Super easy too.

I can’t understand why you are letting your 6 year old going to a strangers house for hours at a time unsupervised!!! Are you mad?! The food is the least of the issues.

Sounds like she’s making the most of it rather than having to be forced to eat Vegan 🤣

I’d be furious! How dare they? You ask a child’s parent before you feed them! They may have an allergy that the child has either forgotten or is choosing not to share. I don’t think people would be saying it was no big deal if they were showering your child or giving her a haircut without your permission

If a neighbour I had barely spoken to allowed their 6 year old child to walk alone to my house and spend hours in it doing God knows what, I’d assume they weren’t overly bothered about their diet, tbh.

“How dare” a parent be so bloody lax about their child’s welfare, frankly? The child is 6!

I wouldn't let my 6 year old child go into a neighbour's house alone.

OP allows her child to go into the neighbours house that so I think it's fair for the neighbour to assume OP is happy about them eating there especially as they go there at meal times.

Well no I wouldn’t either! I don’t now at 10 even

The daughter and AwayWeb have both told the grandma they are all vegan

DD has mentioned it and I’ve said things like “oh she won’t eat that, we don’t do meat

The grandma knows what she is doing.

Would those who think it is nothing, would you feel the same if someone fed your child something you said they couldn’t and your child had an allergic reaction?

What aversion therapy?

OP hasn't said she has explicitly said they are Vegan. Your quote, in the context of being said over the fence might not have been fully understood to mean vegan - she never even used the word!

"Oh she won't eat that" could easily be taken as "my daughter won't like that", rather than she's not allowed it. Who knows what a hungry 6 year old says when she is offered hot fish fingers or sausage rolls as she is there when her friend is eating? I doubt she is stating that she can't eat it because she's vegan, but more likely says thank you and joins in.

I think if you've chosen to allow a very lax wandering back and forth, she stays as long as she likes type of playdate then this is inevitable. Personally at 5/6 I'd have chatted to the other parent and said "oh they like each other, if they're going to and fro let's swap numbers and then we can keep track of where they are, who is responsible, what time they need to leave or if today isn't a good day". I'd be worried about her imposing, are they at yours as much as theirs? Rather than being annoyed about the food, I'd be feeling bad that she's over there and you're not picking her up. I'd also have anxiety about a child that young being in a house with someone you don't know, don't have a dialogue with, you don't know who else is in that house, how safe it is, or if they're actually even in the house because nobody is keeping track. She could be missing all day and you'd assume she was next door but she might be anywhere. The grandmother might be ill and desperate for rest and your child is wandering round there every day.
I'd go with "thanks so much for giving her dinners, I've planned all our meals this week so please don't feed her and just send her home/I'll pick her up for her tea". And then I'd be managing the playdates way more proactively to ensure it's fair to parents/gps and to keep track of the kids and keep them safe.
If there was a child randomly at my house when we were eating, and their parent didn't explicitly say "they are vegan please dont feed them" then I'd give then whatever we were having. It'd be rude and a bit mean not to. Imagine her sitting next to her friend with no food whilst her playmate guzzles down sausage roll and trifle. I wouldn't cope!

Sounds as though they are just being kind. We have great neighbours we get along really well with we do know each other well long conversations sat out with kids playing for hours both of us are guilty of sharing food sheets ice creams the kids are happy and supervised so it's all good. Vegan as a family is obviously your choice and right but I think you will always struggle with others potentially not understanding. If it's really important to you them maybe a gentle chat or make sure she isn't there long enough. Also not my business but your child has a right to choose what she likes to eat and it sounds as though she has no options. I have a friend who's children do not have hardly any dairy meat it's all organic veg fruit no cakes unless home baked with no sugar the kids are 3 and 1.5 and I honestly feel sorry for them it's over the top and in my view could force them to do a 360 as adults. I have never fussed with my kids food they are all healthy and eat anything pretty much I hate fish but still offered it and cooked it they all love it.