When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

I couldn't leave, personally. And I would spend my life regretting it if I did.

Apologies, have read your responses but not all the thread so may have been asked previously. Have you had a carers assessment via the MH team? They should be offering this and it sometimes opens up support (but often not) so this might be worth looking at? Also would recommend therapy/support for yourself. Is he under a long covid team and do they offer any carer support groups?

The OP has said she’s moved to a country town. Surely even you have the imagination to realise that small country town could easily mean walking distance to all schools, amenities, clubs and good public transport (trains to nearby cities). Plus the mental health services in some areas are better than towns.

And as OP had said if your main breadwinner is suddenly mentally unwell it’s often a choice between staying in a 2 bed council flat in a dodgy area of a city or a decent home with space in a country town. Given that the OP has 2 kids and a partner who is at home all the time it’s an absolute no brainer. Can’t believe you couldn’t work that one out yourself TBH.

Is he doing stuff to help himself so energy management?
I say this as someone with long covid acceptance is key but so is also learning and recognising triggers so to try and reduce the crashes.
If he's disengaged from it and is waiting for the wand then it's not going to change.
It's a very long and slow road which isn't linear. There are some Facebook groups for carers of long covid sufferers which might give you a outlet.

I think this is one of the most considered posts on this thread, thanks @Mayve

Yes it would be very different if OP were a man and he was leaving OP. Very different responses. It would also be different if the illness was Cancer (god forbid). Any other illness or disability and it’s apparently absolutely fine to leave and the spouse has to think of themselves etc etc but cancer would seemingly be different. I say this from experience as my ex left me (and our DC) when my disability became much more severe. I already relied on him more than most, to help parent our DC but he ran away and abandoned us. That was 9 years ago and I will never forgive him for it.
Yes, different set up I know and I do realise that OP isn’t planning on leaving their DC with her DH. I’m just saying that I understand the feeling of abandonment and for me, led to complex PTSD.

OP, I have been (& still am) suicidal since I was a teen and I hate to have to say this I really do but I can pretty much guarantee as someone who knows exactly what that dark, dark place feels like - removing his reason for getting up every morning, is almost certainly going to send him over the edge.
Those of us who are suicidal long term are only ever 1/2 steps away from that edge…

I’m sorry. I really am but it’s the truth.

Also mental health services in rural areas? Not exactly cutting edge

l live in a big city. Dh phoned crisis team when l was suicidal just before Xmas. They sent a prescription which my own gp could have done. He phoned the next day ‘No we can’t admit you to a psychiatric ward as it’s LC and that’s neurological disease’ My gp tried but they still refused.

Even though l was in crisis, l didn’t speak to the support team until 14 th Jan. Then they discharged me after 2 sessions. Even though l was a mess.

Honestly no one gives a shit.

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation OP. I have no idea how you've survived so long without scheduled breaks.

Echoing other posters here who have suggested finding a way to have some rest. Even if that's 1 hour a week in a coffee shop so you always have something small to look forward to.

You are amazing.

Do you have any compassion? What a totally unhelpful and unnecessary comment.

Yes it would be very different if OP were a man and he was leaving OP. Very different responses.

Assuming you mean if OP were a man and leaving a wife... Well it would be about seven times more likely to happen, for a start. And yes, a forum composed mostly of women tends to centre them and isn't a paragon of blind and perfect justice. Why is it expected to be? Are male-centric forums expected to be?

Surprised at some of the nasty, rude comments . Your life can change in a split second .

Exactly! I was going to suggest paying for a blood test to find the triggers if it's food or something else.

Does he have trauma from it? The anxiety could be ongoing as part of the trauma.

EMDR could help,

Blood tests tend not to be very helpful with LC, although the DH should have had some routine tests via the GP to rule out anything treatable like thyroid issues
A diary and pacing can be helpful at the start of trying to recover. Many people swear by the Visible app, but it's best not to rely on that too much and instead learn to tune into how he feels.
We don't know how much of this the DH has already done. It sounds as though he fits a profile which seems quite common with Long COVID - a type A high achiever whose adrenaline was switched on far too much.

Retraining the nervous system into rest and repair is key to any sort of recovery, which may be a partial recovery and needs the development of acceptance.

I'm very sorry to hear how ill he is that must be incredibly hard for him and for all of you. It sounds like he's a great dad and he's doing everything he can, if he has long covid then mental health treatment isn't going to do much good with it being a physical and neurological illness. The NHS are useless with long covid, I have a family member affected, I know things must be tough financially but is there any way you could afford private treatment?

I don’t think anyone would disagree but this thread is for the OP to get compassionate support regarding her future. She sounds compassionate herself but is allowed to feel this way and consider her future.

There's definitely a mental health element with Long COVID in the sense that the nervous system will have gone haywire with the sympathetic nervous system (fight-flight-freeze) in overdrive at the expense of rest and restore. It becomes a vicious cycle with the stress response making symptoms worse.

Calming my nervous system has been a big part of mental and physical recovery although I'm still some way from being fully well.

All of this is only if any use to the DH and the OP if he's able and willing to engage with the techniques which might help him.

Psychiatric symptoms in long covid are generally caused by brain inflammation or other damage to the brain, not emotional trauma. It's a horrible illness. 😢

I've no advice about weather you should stay or go. The only thing I can say that I feel might help is that I'm chronically ill myself and a lot of people in some groups I'm in have long covid and a lot of them have had great success with a low histamine diet . Covid can trigger the mast cells and when they go wonky it can create havoc in the body. It might be worth looking into for your dh and see if it will help. It won't cure it but it can make a massive difference

I would class that as neurological not mental health as such, but either way I'm really glad your health has improved 💐

OP sounds intelligent, says the move was a good one and wasn’t asking for advice regarding it.

It's not 'the country'. It's a town in a rural area. It could be somewhere like Bury St Edmunds or Guildford or Hebden Bridge: places with lots going on for people of all ages, good transport links, hospitals and possibly better local services than available in overcrowded, overburdened London. Where do you expect OP and family to move to? Clearly London was too expensive once her DH was no longer able to work. She's not talking about an isolated farmhouse on the Welsh border, is she?

Seems you’re trawling posts to just knock and judge every poster this afternoon, maybe think about why you’re doing that.

Why do you think you know where is best for OP to
live? Are you privy to finances, exact location etc?

I know. I’m stuck in it😰

We don’t refer to it like that in theUK though. Its primary, secondary and further or higher education.