When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

Is MCAS similar to auto immune diseases as I have not heard of that but I remember telling my rheumatologist that my legs ached less when I took a travel pill which was studgerone ( cirtrazine)

Has he tried Low Dose Naltroxene?

You can’t get it on NHS, but Dickson online pharmacy in Scotland will prescribe.

It calms inflammation

Yep tried that - actually increased incidences of suicidal ideation

Oh no. I’m so sorry.

Perrin technique?

Is your husband an alcoholic, or addicted to drugs or prescription drugs? I don't know why he would take Naltroxene.

Low dose naltrexone has been pioneered in the use in the battle against Long Covid. Lots of information out there on it.

Trials have shown it to be helpful for the fatigue experienced with long Covid but the side effects of nausea, vomiting and dizziness would put me off, frankly though not everyone has that much.

I have read the op's posts but don't think she has said what meds he is on atm.

I think steering clear of mind/brain altering drugs is a good idea as far as possible, improving nutrition helps tremendously. Regular blood tests will show deficiencies, eg B12 and folate.

However I am not medically qualified, that is just my opinion.

The patient himself must do some research and make his own mind up about what to try next. Poor soul must feel wretched, I feel for him.

Op is doing well but she and her children need to have regular short breaks, something to look forward to. If she doesn't care for herself, she won't be able to go on caring for him.

It's a shame it didn't work out for him. It takes some people years to find the right drug and sometimes the body matures with it and the symptoms lessen. I hope he finds what he needs and his life starts improving soon.

The kids are 9 & 11.

all this talk of 'third level' & 'flying the nest'

a tad premature don't you think??

This is where it all started. The kids are 9 & 11, 'in the next 5ishyears' they are not going to be living away from home. 🙄

she's already said what caused his illness COVID

EDIT TO ADD though you probably criss posted.

but it still derailed as the kids are only 9 & 11 they're nowhere near 'third level' or leaving home. Not even in 5 years.

The children are 14 and 16 @TourdeFrance2025

Why would you say that, the children are 9& 11. Over a decade away from leaving home

Yes my mistake. I just realised that she said they're IN years 9 & 11, not ARE 9 & 11, which makes NO sense re 'playdates only happening when she is around' , or other things implying they are much younger.

very strange...

He has been ill since e Covid - the children would have been play date age and you could still call friends coming round a play date. The OP is making a point about how the fabric of home life is altered by her husband’s illness. It is really not strange.

They are in school years 9 and 11

From the OP Our children our now year 9 and year 11

Not aged 9 and 11 - in school year 9 and 11.

Didn’t take care of his sick wife though?

I should imagine an unconscious person was being cared for in some sort or home? Wouldn’t you?

Your situation was entirely predictable, getting involved with a man 30 years older. I’m sure you had time to come to terms with what your future looked like.

It’s nothing like the OP’s situation. He had someone else taking care of his wife.

He was effectively just a single dad. There’s plenty of those out there.

This type of advice generally come from older Mothers, myself included. Both your children are getting close to comprehensive school age. (Your eldest is already there) I was once told how those years go by like lightening. I simply didn't believe it at the time...but it does. It is only with hindsight we realise this. But ask any mother of empt nesters and i am positivevthey will say exactly the same. In my opinion, the best advice here is to get in touch with the Carer's association, in order that you can find a way to get some respite. Your hubby may also be entitled to some kind of support. A paid companion of sorts. They will have all the info you need & is excellent suggestion. However, It is also very true that you must at least plan for your future financially. Life, as you know, can throw you some serious curve balls. This is also very sound advice. If you do these two things you are doing the best you can do. Because you clearly still love you hubby, you will get very annoyed by certain comments on this thread. Maybe close it down early if you can?

Yes, I acknowledged that at 8.49. My mistake, but it's all a bit odd if they're YEARS 9&11 talking about play dates & what not.

Yes, I acknowledged that at 8.49. My mistake, but it's all a bit odd if they're YEARS 9&11 talking about play dates & what not.

I saw. Pity you forgot to apologize.

Unless you'd like to remain stuck here, maybe we could presume since this has been going on for five years, that the playdates have happened in the past, rather than are happening right now.