When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

Yeah, your ignorance is embarrassing.

What makes you such a fucking expert on LC?

Sensible move , the OP hasn’t said that she lives the back end of nowhere and also the children are in yrs 9/11 so well into teens

Personally I would much rather be married to a partner with a chronic illness than one as unpleasant ignorant and childish as this individual

Hehehe

I got full Pip first time and am NJS wheelchair and bath support.

Now that must REALLY piss you off

You do realise that your hurtful comments could cause me to spiral into a total funk. Sell the car I bought and paid for, for my mother. Insure, tax and fuel. Stop paying to keep her in the family house I grew up in and just decline to look after my immediate family?

See the difference?

You clearly aren't very bright. The husband of the OP has a neurological disease.

Am I ugly and live in a zoo as well?

Pffftt.....!

I'm exploding with anger at the mnemonics I don't actually understand or care to.

On a more general note. It’s people who have attitudes like @BillyBobbins1 who contribute to men not feeling they can talk about their emotions and in some cases result in them ending their lives. I realise that I would probably get a don’t care and some other facile response but I have supported many men in these situations and the damage that can be done with such dismissive attitudes is huge.

The male dilmemma is that women encourage men to share their feelings. But when wifey and children witness dad melting in tears, it's a massive, massive turn off.

Truth.

This thread is getting derailed - whether a certain poster is posting in good faith or not. I’m sorry for my part in engaging and will stop.

When you get married, you marry in sickness and in health. This is not his fault, it’s just one of those things but when you marry someone, you marry in the knowledge that one day something like this can happen.

These kind of uninformed platitudes really don't help anyone.

Women who are being treated for cancer have a far higher likelihood of being divorced by their husbands than men who have cancer being divorced by their wives. In one study 20% of female cancer patients were divorced by their spouses. That same study showed less than 3% of men were divorced by their spouses when they had cancer.

Women are conditioned to stay and do the caring. We don't have the same high expectations of men. Men say 'I can't deal with this' and walk away. Boris Johnson walked out on his wife when she was suffering from cancer.

And many men who do stay to look after a sick partner get more help than a woman in the same position because she's a woman and expected to help, but men are assumed to need extra help to cope.

I don’t care about what men do, men who leave their wives who are ill are also wrong in my book. It isn’t about gender. I get that sometimes it can get difficult and testing, which is precisely why I’m not likely to get married - I’m disabled and I don’t think it’s fair to burden someone with that responsibility as I age and end up resenting me, and it’s threads like this that helped me to make that decision.

They all think they can cope and get through anything until reality hits. For a lot of people, it isn’t about love, it’s about convenience at the time and they don’t consider anything beyond that.

@didntlikethisMay I ask how you went about calming your nervous system please?

All the avenues we can possibly think of have been and continue to be explored. DH is constantly searching and researching for ideas to help him try and get well. That has never been in doubt. We receive a fully comprehensive local mental health service, actually far better than the Big Smoke. But Long Covid isn’t straightforward. The number of times DH has said he wishes it were cancer or a heart condition- something visible, that people intrinsically understand and have compassion for. Psychosis / anxiety / CFS / depression are not really respected like that.

Get thee hence, Troll.

Has he been able to avoid reinfection with covid? Each infection can potentially worsen symptoms and reduce the chances of recovery, I know it's not easy to avoid though.

To those posters who have reached out and offered cogent and kind advice, I thank you.
There will be some big decision making but not immediately. We are nearly 5 years into this nightmare and my shoulders are broad.

To the others, well I hope you get the lives you deserve.

It's been through a range of techniques, mainly via the Suzy Bolt programme.
Things like breath work, meditation, yoga and Tai Chi Qi Gong.

She has a Facebook group if you want to find out more and there's lots of info on her website with a 2-week free trial of the RRR programme.

When I was at my worst I structured my whole day around her programme.

I've also found traditional Chinese acupuncture helpful.

I fully agree with your dh re having cancer being easier because it’s recognised. And you have treatments!!
LC, ME etc… are shit illnesses for that.

im sure that after 5 years your dh is aware but just in case (and also for anyone reading this), the issue with Covid is that it triggers a lot if other things.
I have ME and got much worse after catching Covid. I’m not sure it made ME worse as such. But it triggered POTS and MCAS which themselves made everything worse. So treating/managing those is what is slowly moving the needle for me.
it has allowed me to move from more or less bedbound to housebound. Which is a huge improvement for me. 3 years ago my aim was just to not deteriorate anymore…..

So anyway, two things that have been associated with worsened MH is vitamin B12 deficiency (don’t rely on tests done by your GP!) and MCAS.
Ive been lucky that I’ve never had MH issues but I’ve had/have the brain fog, memory issues, inability to think etc etc… it got much better treating MCAS and even just starting with an OTC anti histamine like cetirizine.

@didntlikethis i really like meditation but it’s worth knowing that it can be cintra indicated if Theres trauma for example. Both because it can be triggering and because it can trigger/worsen dissociation.

I personally found being that it triggered dissociation (which created a whole lot of other issues)