When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

I agree that the OP has obviously already shouldered a tremendous burden and I have nothing but sympathy for her, and their children.
My comment was directed at the poster who seemed to suggest this was a horrible situation for OP and her children but not for the poor guy who is actually suffering a hell not of his own making.

Just want to say how sorry I am for the situation you're in, as well as OP's.

Terrifying how a virus can have such devastating long-term consequences.

@Blottum do you generally jump in to judge people to feel superior or is it limited to online interactions so no one can tell your to your face that you are unpleasant and unhelpful?

And save the faux ‘just asking a question, hey ho’ - the passive aggression is not fooling anyone.

I'm so sorry 😢 My mum has Long Covid and I have ME which has similarities so I know how hard it is, I really hope things start to improve for you 💐

Does he show any shame or remorse for what he's putting everyone through?

It's not good enough to say I'm ill. I want to die. He's an adult with children. As a man, I'd feel I was on really thin ice turning my whole family's world upside down in such a negative way.

If he's really struggling and genuinely trying to recover that's obviously something. If he's actually broken or has reduced himself to a childish self-centred state, you should take positive action to get you and your kids away from him or talk about institutionalising him. Your kids lives are being shaped by this experience as is yours.

I agree you come first, with mental health you have to want to get better and it sounds like he doesnt, do you still want to be in this position in 5 years, he is totally allowed to have a breakdown and expect you to take the slack for 6 months but not for 5 years, he needs a jump start otherwise 5 years 10 years 15 years and then men leave, and you will have wasted your life...dont waste your life its too short and your life is more important than his and your childrens lives are more important than his

@JLou08 said upthread:
That said, I do think it's worth you considering that possibility if you split. Losing someone to suicide destroys people, will you be living the rest of your life with regret and sadness if that happens?

Losing someone to suicide doesn't have to destroy you. You'd be surprised by how many people you know who've had a suicide in their family and you wouldn't know.

My father killed himself and I had a difficult couple of years grieving but I have long been over it. So have my siblings. For my mother it was an end to a long and largely thankless marriage and although she said nothing specifically, almost certainly a huge relief. She grieved, but my father's death freed her to enjoy the last years of her life, which were sadly short because within a decade she was dead from one of the cancers which is regularly linked to chronic stress.

No one should be expected to stay in a draining, unrewarding relationship because the other party is in danger of killing themselves. The decision is entirely in the hands of the individual concerned and characterising suicide as nothing but destructive is flat-out wrong. Like everything else in life, it's complicated.

That's really unkind. He's seriously ill, it's not a choice. OP has said he does everything he can to be a good father when he's well enough

Would your DH be able to go to some kind of residential facility so that you and the children get respite without having the logistics/organising of going away?

Has your DH got a social worker? Or been assessed by the local authority so that he can access support and services?

DH needs to accept that although he might not find it easy or like meeting new people, but he may need to have professional carers or others to whom he is not familiar looking after him on a regular basis. Life is not easy for anyone in the situation you've described. His needs do not trump everyone else's.

I would think about whatever you need to get through the next few years then when the children are older/more independent I would review the situation.

Thinking the same I know st waiting for the o u should leave home is abusive etc crowd to weigh in
And before anyone shuts me down this is mm so definitely gonna be at least one

You are doing so much and it sounds like you're overwhelmed and exhausted - not a good place to be making a decision about your relationship. Is the PIP going on things that help you as a household handle his illness, like a cleaner? Simple exhaustion can have such a profound effect on our ability to cope.

Can you spare some time or budget to speak to a counsellor, just to sort out your own feelings and figure out with a compassionate listener what is really bothering you - so you can work out what to prioritise and what you're moving towards. Whether that be romantic independence which involves separation, or simply a bit more breathing space, for example. No judgement here either way - it's so hard for both of you, it would be weirder for it not to take a toll on your relationship.

I'm not emotionally involved. I'm asking practical questions. Not judging. I have no compassion for this man. I don't know him.

But I am a man and I was raised to be responsible and selfless as regards my family. This guy is a nail in the tyre of his own family. All the focus and energy is on him. Kids involved. I wanted to know if he was worthy of all of this or as seems the case, the lady involved is starting to ask questions.

We live in a completely feminised culture nowadays. Google "The devouring mother". Not everything can be solved by kissing it better. Perhaps the jolt is to tell him, this isn't going to continue as the "You Show" for much longer. Try harder.

Speaking as someone who has struggled with severe LC for two years, your post is a load of bollocks.

If ONLY it was a case of mind over matter. If ONLY. I must just try harder😡 But it isn’t. If it was no one would have if. I’m really glad you’re not my husband. Mine has stood by me through this nightmare disease.

What are you even trying to say?

It does sound tough for you what with the life you once knew turned completely upside down and all the financial and emotional stresses that come with that, but I have to say, there’s a part of me that thought your post came across a bit heartless.

When you get married, you marry in sickness and in health. This is not his fault, it’s just one of those things but when you marry someone, you marry in the knowledge that one day something like this can happen. It seems as though you’re saying that now he can’t provide the lifestyle you became accustomed to, you suddenly don’t love him as much anymore. You don’t seem to have much consideration for how his illness affects him.

If it was me that was ill and my husband said what you’ve just said to me, I’d tell him to leave. Nobody should feel resentment or a sense of obligation they don’t want, and neither is it fair for him to feel like a burden on somebody else.

If you want to stay together, you need to sit down together, maybe even with a counsellor and work through things, and maybe look at getting some outside support with the kids.

I’m not convinced your kids would ever thank you for it. If he’s still an engaged dad and they love him they might just feel like you abandoned him and caused him more distress. So I don’t think there’s an easy solution here and you’ll have to follow your heart on what’s best for you all.

I would maybe talk to him about contingency plans for his real low points and how you can protect the children from the sadness. Have your kids been out in contact with support groups/young carer groups etc so they can get support from people going through similar issues?

😡😡😡you have no fucking idea.

‘Childish state😂if only.

Tell me what a hard life is like.

I have no idea.

Obviously.

@BillyBobbins1 Jesus Christ. I have had Long Covid for 5 years now. You know fuck all.

'Fighting it' isn't possible and aggravates many of the symptoms. You are posting from such a position of ignorance it is embarrassing. At least don't comment on a condition you know nothing about, particularly one that other people who DO know about it. It's clear that several posters on here are very well aware of LC and are posting proper advice.

You’re not the one in a childish state, although I bet there are many, many children who have a greater understanding than the poster you are responding to.