Are certain sacrifices worth it for more siblings as adult?

[ChitterChatter1987]

If you are part of a close family unit with
2 or 3 siblings, but there was not lots of money or house space growing up, would you say trade offs such as holidays in UK instead of abroad, sharing bedrooms,more split of parents attention etc were worthwhile sacrifices for having the benefit of more siblings as adults?

Also if you have 3 or 4 children now but these things apply, are the sacrifices worth it or do you or they feel that they miss out not having certain privelidges that more money can bring, or having to share their parents or other siblings with each other more?

Both my DH and I are from large families.

No massive family dramas, but we don’t particularly get on with all of our siblings, and it is extremely rare for all siblings from one family to be together.

It’s fine, but I don’t think it would have made any difference to our lives today having less siblings. There’s no great support network etc.

This was probably different when you all lived in the same town your whole lives.

I don't think l any of the things you list really make much difference to the quality of childhood. Happy holidays matter, it doesn't matter if they're camping in UK or seeing the world.

Engaged and supportive parents matter, but it doesn't matter if that's help with reading and planning interesting free days out, or ferrying DC to extra curricular activities.

I also don't think having siblings means you are necessarily close to them as adults. My Dad is one of 5 brothers. I wouldn't recognise any of them in the street. It's not that they don't get on, it's that they all moved away and live their own lives. I get on fine with my sister, but see her about three times a year and text once in a while.

I am one of 2 and we are close and get on well. My husband is one of 4 and has basically nothing to do with them. I don't think more siblings means a better or bigger support network as an adult.

Are siblings a huge part of people's lives as adults? There are some people who are close to a sibling, but most adults tend to build their own friendships and families of their own choosing.
Having multiple kids is for the parents own wants.

Actually, thinking about it some more, although none of us spend much time with our siblings as adults, in terms of "support network" they probably are more important than anyone else. Not on a daily, babysitting of help with DIY basis, or even a regular chat/offload, but no one else is going to help when my parents become frail, when DSis DS had cancer I was there like a shot, despite it being 200 miles away and when DH was diagnosed with cancer, DSis called regularly, despite us not really being in regular contact otherwise.

Although I don't see DSis very often because of geography and we don't male the time to chat often, we absolutely would be there for each other when the chips are down.

My mum has two siblings, she doesn't speak to from one Christmas to the next, but when her sister split from her husband, their brother flew back from Canada where he was living at the time, to offer support.

I think it probably depends more on sibling personalities and dynamics rather than number of siblings. Some siblings are very close as adults and think of each other as best friends whereas others have more casual relationships (or not much relationship at all) regardless of family size.

I’m good friends with one of my brothers (though I wouldn’t say we’re close, exactly), the other I exchange pleasantries with once a year on Christmas Day. I’d much rather have had nicer holidays and a pony than that awkward sod! We’re all just different people who wouldn’t have been drawn to each other in any other circumstances.

No. Bluntly, the lingering negative impact of our parents having had far more children than they could afford, either financially or emotionally, and an impoverished, overcrowded childhood as a result, has led to none of the five of us being close as adults. We get on perfectly well, but it’s very much a case of five people dealing differently with childhood damage and fleeing sibling relationships that remind them of that damage.

I’m the eldest of five and still dealing in therapy in middle age with the fact that my parents responded with anger to any indication I wasn’t ok and needed attention. My job was not to bother them. So I learned not to. When I was SA aged ten, I didn’t tell them.

Dh and I are probably unusual, in that we’re both one of 4, and get on well with all our siblings. However none of us lives close to any of the others, so we don’t/can’t see each other often. Maybe that’s why we all get on!

I’m one of four siblings, I was fortunate enough never to have to share a room with any of them, although I did let my younger sibling have my bigger room when I went to uni elsewhere. We also had occasional foreign holidays though generally camping! We were reasonably well-off. But honestly although it’s easy for me to say I genuinely think I’d much rather have my siblings even if it had meant no foreign holidays and sharing rooms.

I personally absolutely loved having siblings as a child (not saying we never squabbled lol but it was generally fun growing up with lots of kids in the house). And honestly I’ve never felt that my parents attention was split between us exactly, they were always able to give me the love and attention I needed and I’ve never felt “in competition” with my siblings for that. My parents have always stressed that they try to be fair to all of us, and make sure we have everything we need, but sometimes one of us will need more support in some way with something than another, so it doesn’t necessarily mean everything is exactly “equal” between us. And we understand that as siblings - we have “equality” but don’t get exactly equal input from our parents and never have.

We don’t live in the same bit of the U.K. but I am still very emotionally connected and close to my siblings, we meet up several times a year, sometimes for an extended period and I’m considering moving soon to be closer to them. I think in my 20s and to an extent in my 30s they took a slight backseat to friendships, but as we get older, have our own families, and our parents are ageing, I think it’s super valuable to have siblings who have known you all their lives and can share practical and emotional support with each other.

I agree with this! It’s about knowing you’ll always be there for each other, in a way you wouldn’t expect even from a good friendship if the chips were down. I absolutely know if I ended up homeless for example, my siblings would absolutely insist I lived with one of them til I got back on my feet. No matter how uncomfortable it might make them. And I’d do the same for them.

This is one of my worries about moving closer to my siblings 🤣

Growing up & early childhood was fun with many siblings, but my mum did it for herself so as a result we were all very emotionally neglected & traumatised as result. I do love them dearly though

Another aspect is in creating cousins for your own kids. That’s where the inverse-exponential effect of decreasing family sizes seems most stark. We never had particularly massive families in our families, but our parents had enough cousins that when we try to run the numbers we lose count (maybe a dozen each?), and we have six and eight apiece.

But our own kids will only have one. That’s an awful lot of socialisation, and a chance to know a lot of different types of kids, lost right there.

DDs only have each other and one cousin. None of them have ever had any problems making friends or on the social side of things.

Having watched my poor mum in the last 2 years and what she has had to put up with as one of 4, having had all the care of my dying gran dumped on her (and me), I will not be having a large family and see very little point in them.

@spoonbillstretford Ours are in the same position and have no problems either – but they don’t know any kids outside their age group, from different areas, even from outside the same social circumstances really. I’m not sure either of them has consciously met a baby, other than said cousin I suppose.

Is that a problem? Maybe. I’m inclined to get a bit worried about things that were totally routine just disappearing like that.

Holidays? What holidays? There wasn't enough money for food, clothes or furniture, never mind holidays.

Can't say I was a fan of sharing with my 14 year old brother, either (or 16, 18, 20 and 23 year old brother as the years dragged on). Don't think he was as keen on the reality of sharing with his little sister, either, but as the only alternative was staying in the other bedroom with two older brothers, one of whom would bully him constantly and the other would retreat into his corner in horror at the noise, i suppose rushing to fill the space left by the eldest when she escaped her childcare and housework duties that kicked in when she got home from school/later work aged 18 - by eloping with her first boyfriend - seemed to be the lesser evil.

5 kids crammed around a table for 4 and the youngest ones desperately shovelling down food as quickly as possible lest one of the bigger ones nicked the allocated chicken wing or half a chipolata on the grounds that he was older and deserved more food wasn't particularly conducive to healthy relationships with food, either.

The most positive bit was that because there wasn't enough seating to go around, I got to sit on the floor with the cats in front of the single fire in the house. They were better company, anyhow.

Not one of the five had more than 2 children and one didn't have any at all. Almost as though nobody found it a positive thing to grow up with lots of siblings. Only two had an ongoing relationship as adults as well; the constant scrabbling for existence, combined with lots of 'You can't have x/y/z because it wouldn't be fair on your..../your brother never got to do it and never complained, what makes you think you're so special?'.

I wouldn't swap my siblings for the world, we are close although we can disagree on stuff. But it's normal for me in that parents are very close to their siblings. We aren't English though so maybe it's a cultural thing.

agree with this! It’s about knowing you’ll always be there for each other, in a way you wouldn’t expect even from a good friendship if the chips were down. I absolutely know if I ended up homeless for example, my siblings would absolutely insist I lived with one of them til I got back on my feet. No matter how uncomfortable it might make them. And I’d do the same for them.

same

Having extra children to give your children siblings isn't a good reason. Have whatever number of children because that's what you want and have capacity for.. be it one child, three children, 17 children..

I know a lot of people, and out of all of those I know well, only one has what I'd call a proper close relationship with her sister. Some get along with their siblings, but many actively dislike them. I think more important than siblings are cousins, you have the family bond without the baggage.

I think this is a huge, huge aspect (not being English)

No. It's a terrible excuse made by parents that thought very little about reproducing that your multiple siblings somehow make up for lack of basic provision in your life.

Yes, that sort of thing. When DS was struggling at Uni and I was scared witless he'd do something "stupid", DSis, who lived closer than me but not close, took an afternoon off work to go check on him. I couldn't have asked anyone else I hadn't spoken to for weeks!

We're not involved in each other's lives in a daily (or even monthly) basis, but family is different.

My Dad got a scam email supposedly from his brother's son about being stranded and needing cash. He spotted the scam, but would have paid without hesitation if he'd really needed help.

Oh, god, the food gobbling. To this day I’m made deeply uneasy by shared plates or food sharing situations. At some level I’m still a panicky, powerless eight year old looking at how much everyone else is taking and wondering if I’m going to have enough. And having to eat in two relays because there weren’t enough chairs.

And I’m the only one of my siblings to have had a child, and I have only one by choice.