Are certain sacrifices worth it for more siblings as adult?

[ChitterChatter1987]

If you are part of a close family unit with
2 or 3 siblings, but there was not lots of money or house space growing up, would you say trade offs such as holidays in UK instead of abroad, sharing bedrooms,more split of parents attention etc were worthwhile sacrifices for having the benefit of more siblings as adults?

Also if you have 3 or 4 children now but these things apply, are the sacrifices worth it or do you or they feel that they miss out not having certain privelidges that more money can bring, or having to share their parents or other siblings with each other more?

i have 3 adult kids.

I can honestly say that my attention was split pretty equally over time because there were no extenuating circumstances like one child having SN or behavioural issues.
They shared rooms at times when they were in primary but they preferred sharing then.
2 of my kids get along and the third does not get along with her other 2 siblings. I think that sibling dynamics as adults has a lot of luck involved. I’m one of four and we live in different countries to each other.

There’s obviously a balance between money and siblings. No adult is going to be salty about never visiting Disney World or not going to a private school but they are going to resent being hungry because there’s too many kids. Some of the massive families on TV end up with older kids being like an extra parent to the younger ones which is also massively unfair. Kids should do chores but also need to experience being their age too.

Thanks for all the interesting replies.....I wasn't suggesting sacrificing basic necessities is ever right in order to have more children.Obviously if there isn't enough food to go around then that's a massive problem!

I was more looking at those who grew up without the 'extras'....was having more extra curriculars, holidays etc due to cost worth it if it meant your parents had had more children.

Or do your children who have to make do with less extras really notice or mind, and do you feel guilty when they see others around them having more privelidges.

Im one of 3. Nice childhood. Think families small now with cost living. Ive 2 kids. Im close to sisters theres alot on here family fallouts so it can be difficult as we know. Im lucky.

I’m an only child, but I’ve studied my friends and families sibling relationships with interest over the years!
My conclusions are, that nearly always, if siblings don’t get on as adults, they are a group of 3.
A group of 4, generally seem to rub along okay.
More than 4, and there will be one or more who is totally non contact!

My best mate and DH are both from groups of 4, and are vocal about having no more than 2 kids apiece as they feel they’d been short changed holiday/attention/lifestyle wise as kids. DH in particular feels that his parents should have stopped at two and given everyone, including his parents a better standard of living.

So, in conclusion, if you’re wanting a big family for yourself OP, crack on. But don’t be kidding yourself that 30yrs from now they’ll be sat down at Christmas like the Waltons!

It’s more about the emotional environment of the family.

every family has families that are richer and poorer than them. Most kids notice this and largely accept it.

what they tend to struggle with is if there isn’t a parent (or older sibling) who is emotionally there for them.

lack of space and lack of time are big issues as well.

it’s not about clubs and sports and holidays. It’s about when one breaks his leg can you look after him or are you too busy with the others? When one gets an eating disorder as a teen do you notice and take them to the doctor and put in the effort to help them get better?

that’s the exhausting bits of parenting.

I'm one of 3 sisters. We are best friends. I couldn't imagine a life without siblings.

My ex-DP was one of 7! Their mum was very much baby-obsessed and didn't seem to realise that babies became children. The result was 7 kids (one with moderate SEN due to birth trauma) vying and acting out due to lack of attention and emotional care.
They were all near enough adults when I knew them, and I'd say each sibling only spoke regularly to 1/2 siblings

Interesting. My observations are that siblings tend not to get along when there are only 2.
My godmother hates her sister.
My 3 best friends all hate their sisters.
My sister's friend hates her sister.

Having a person is better then more things. It's an opportunity for a new relationship. Some take it, some don't. Seeing that being a sibling is the longest relationship we ever have in a lifetime, I would say it's worth more then anything. But then it's imposed on us, that's the tough part. That is just old me pondering. I've got to make two calls.

I’m from a group of 3 and we all get along very well , we get together a lot and go out together a lot either as a 3 or a 2 or as part of a bigger family group ( my husband / adult kids) . Whether you get on with your siblings as adults has nothing to do with how many of them there are it just depends on what type of people they are .

I have one sibling - can i swap him for a holiday? He is no support as an adult (I dread the idea of having to sort out my parents estate with him) and I would have much preferred to be an only child.

Unfortunately as a three year old I thought a sibling would be lovely and apparently begged for one. I thought a sibling would be like a best friend or cousin. Found out too late, they're not.

My dad was one of 10! Mostly they never speak to each other and the major fallings out when they do are ridiculous.

Having any kids is about the parents own wants.

Or if they're sisters??!

Ultimately it depends on the quality of the relationships and you can't predict that. I agree though that having parents who have time for you is very important. Mine didn't, although they were very loving and wanted the best for us. Kids need a space not to be "ok".

I think there are too many variations of sibling relationships to base a decision about how many children to have on the hope that they will be friends and for a support network in the future.
I have friends who are very close to their siblings and have been a constant source of support through difficult times as well as taking joy in each other's celebrations. My own experience is that my siblings and I were always very different people and were never close. Their poor choices in adult life had a very negative effect on our parents and my relationship with our parents (especially when I stopped agreeing to help bail them out). They have since settled down and I assumed that (especially as they live closer to our parents than I do) that when our parents became elderly and needed support they would do their bit. Our mother is now elderly and widdowed and my siblings expected me to deal with all the paperwork/practical arrangements when our father died as well as being responsible for mum's care. One of them is currently outraged because I have some time off over the Summer but will not agree to use it to provide them with free childcare.

Definitely 😂

Luckily I am one of 3 sisters and we get on great.

Yep, this was true for me and partly drove my desire for a large family.

I’m the oldest of 3. My brother (2 yrs younger) & I get on ok when we see each other but aren’t at all close. My sister (4 yrs younger) & I are very close, have got each other through all kinds of shit & go on holiday together.

As kids though, I simply found them both annoying & I’m fairly sure that if I’d had to share a room with my sister we wouldn’t get on nearly so well as adults.

It sounds like you are trying to justify your choice to have further children, knowing that will mean your existing children won't have the 'extras' that some other children have, and that you can currently provide. If you have another/more it may impact on your current children's experiences, but there will be plenty of other children that have similar childhoods to yours i.e. without foreign holidays, extra-curriculars etc., whether because of lower income or larger families.
You are entitled to prioritise having more children, if that's what you want, but don't pretend it's for the benefit of your existing children.

I'm not sure yet if we want more children, but just curious to hear others experiences incase we do.

It wouldn't be 'pretending'...it would be a genuine reason that would hopefully pay off.I was an only child of an only child, I had no other children in the family other than some cousins who lived far away and I barely saw, and I was very lonely at times as I spent alot of my non school time around older adults.

My two daughters only really have each other currently....they have no cousins very close in age, and limited cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc in general due to locations, estrangement or death.

They are very close but do have a rather intense relationship which can cause regular conflict.Whether more children would make things better or worse for them on that front who knows!

I know some say don't take sibling relationships into account as a reason to have multiple children but for many people who have more than one child one of the main reasons is often to give them a network of siblings to hopefully grow up and share life and memories and love with, although i know that outcome is not guaranteed, as some posts on here confirm, however others clearly show that posters who had multiple positive sibling relationships want to try and recreate that for their own children.

Think my childhood was like that - basics covered by extra few and parents stressed about money in background.

As a child - it just was really - sharing a room knowing limits money imposed. Not close to siblings since adulthood - many reasons one being parents attitude to that - suppose meant less impact when dad was ill though most of that was still on Mum but much less suport and interest in our kids.

Had same number myself but much less of an age gap - they are closer currently but they also had more bells and whistles than my childhood did.

From family seems to be in older age - late 60 that siblings start to be close and useful/socialised with - but other families are very different.

According to my parents older sibling and I were very close till youngest was born then it just stoppped - so I'd be wary about adding another child - it changed the dynamics between my older two but as they were so young there was less impact and more time to adjust.

My observations are that siblings tend not to get along when there are only 2.

Seen that in our family in generation above - seems to be too easy for wider family to compare and cause issues between them that last a lifetime.

I'm one of *6. As an adult, I'm very grateful to have so many siblings, but then we have mostly good relationships. We didn't have loads of money and there were significant problems at home, but on balance, I'd say it was worth it

I’m from a large family. I was constantly being told “we can’t afford it” regarding extracurricular activities and pretty much everything other than the basics. FWIW we were not poor, but with a bunch of kids, money was not allocated for anything considered optional extras. Yes, I still resent it.

The necessities were one thing, generally handled through survival of the fittest/biggest/whoever was the favourite won - the stuff that actually hurt was the things you couldn't do because no money/it's not fair on the boys/your sister never did it and she didn't make a fuss/don't be a brat, I never had that, you're spoiled and 'Is her mother going to come and pick everybody up and pay for them to go? No? Well, you're not going then'.

Coupled with the lack of interest once each kid stopped being a cute little baby and outright dislike once they developed their own mind and independent thoughts (with the usual reaction to so many children with different needs all at once being a swift thump when not intentionally adopting Divide and Conquer to keep them in fear line), all it created was a bunch of deeply damaged and dysfunctional adults, all of whom have certain 'quirks' founded upon the swirling mass of multiple needs never being met because of inadequate parenting and excessive reproduction.